Will Power

So this won't be so great of a blog.. might be triggering I'm not sure.

When I think of will power, I think how I can stay with Ed. Not how I can refuse to seek Ed. And when I mess up it's really frustrating.

To say the least I'm really frustrated.

I've lived my life a certain way for years.. years and years and years.. and here now I can't live that way. I can't get over that. I don't know how to. I am not sure how to take something that was such a part of my life and the way I lived and just be okay with it not being that way anymore.

It just annoys me .. more and more .. all I can think about is that if Tom would have let things be the way things were everything wouldn't be going the way they are. I would be living my life the way I had and I wouldn't have all these problems that are coming up. And yes, could I be wrong, probably, but it just amazes me that as soon as I let him talk me into it everything started coming about. Left and Right.. Spinning my head around and around. I'm lost!

There are just times that I wish I was better. I mean I'm now well still in the normal weight range but nothing even close to what I want to be. And I don't know how to get back to that cause I can't act out like I had. I try to eat 'healthy' but that only lasts so long and only gets me so far. I just feel like it's a losing battle.

Thought I was stronger then this:/

Ed your pissing me off.. in more then one way!

So eventho I'm pretty sure I'll cont. to repeat myself. It's been really since July since I've been able to act out the way I want.

Which should be a good thing right?

Well my stupid mind takes it and twists it and says that it sucks because I didn't make the decision the decision was made for me and when it really comes down to it I would still be acting out if I could.

I really don't get it. That's the problem. I don't understand how one day I could go from being the way I was for 18 yrs to all of the sudden not being able to. And then to top it off, to gain as much weight as I have. Holy Shit! Seriously. I am not healthy and yet I'm gaining all this weight.. it's like COME ON ALREADY!!! GIVE ME A FRICKIN BREAK!

But that's not looking like it's going to happen anytime soon.

It's frustrating because I really should be happy that I can't act out right? I mean isn't that why I started this whole journey, was to become a better happier person with myself and not harm myself. Which instead all it's done is seem to make me more and more depressed and hating everything.

The part that is most frustrating is that I want to just turn back the clock. I want to go back to the way things were and how I was before I learned of my behavior. Before I spent money on Dr. and theraphy. I did at least feel happy then. Maybe it was just a disguse.. not sure but it definetly felt better then what I do now. Specially with all the medical problems. And for some reason I have convinced myself that if I wouldn't have gone down this road that everything in my body would have been fine and that I wouldn't be facing all that I am.

Well, tomorrow I go back to the 'eating low sodium diet'. Fun fun. I hate it. I just mainly hate the way it makes me feel afterwards. And the fact that I would be okay with certain foods (like drinking an ensure, but I can't do that.. too much sodium). I don't know.. if it's not one thing lately it's another.

Thanksgiving

What can I say. I frickin hate and love turkey all at the same time:) So I didn't stay true to my diet. I made my gravy, had my potatoes, and stuffing. .. didn't care about the low sodium. Now does that mean in the back of my head I wasn't planning on what I always had every other yr. which is to just go purge. Oh ya. That's what I wanted. Unfortunately, my body.. not so much. Which just frustrates and aggravates me even more. It was a nice Thanksgiving tho. It was just Tom, me and the boys. I was able to cook in my small kitchen without being bothered and got everything done at the same time to be able to sit down together and enjoy a nice lunch together. I guess I should take that more then I should the fact that I'm just gaining weight. So Christmas doesn't have me looking forward to it to say the truth. The only thing is that I know that I can't do what I did for Thanksgiving.

And it's not something I'm looking forward to anyways as it is, mainly because I have to go to my in-laws because everyone is going to be there. But I am planning on having my food that I'm supposed to have on my diet to take with to eat. I gotta be true this time, because I know that I can't purge anymore and it's useless trying. So ya.

It's frustrating after 18 yrs for some reason my body just won't let me purge. And it hurts to bad for me to push it too far. I try hard and I fail and that's aggravating. But when it comes down to it. When I stay to my meal plan I actually do better. I feel better and I lose weight. It's when I go off it thinking that I can just purge afterwards or if I starve myself that things don't turn out the way I would like. Well, at least not what I was used to. I guess I just wished I could be like 'normal'. Be one of those ppl that could just sit down and eat and feel okay about it. That it's not going to make me look disguising.  Guess there is a lot more that I have to deal with to accept who I am and be okay with who I am, even if that means others might not like it. It's who I am.

Now, Can I be wrong in my actions .. ya. And would I like someone to at least nicely say Trina.. come on:) .. and then I could at least be like I know.. ahh! But I don't want to be like treated because of one action that it was so horrible. Mainly because those who might be correcting me.. it's like hello. I know what you did.. where do you get off now acting like you never did that and that your somehow 'perfect'. That's like for my oldest per-say... I'm not even sure how he got so smart. It amazes me. I mean I know I was helping him when he was younger and teaching him to remember, but still.. he just amazes me. And when I get after him for his grades I tell him, you know I didn't get these grades when I was younger, and that I'm not trying to be mean but that I see what he has in him and that I know he can do it and I believe in him. I've always told him, that if he gets like a B.. yes a B:) but as long as he can prove that he tried, then I will gladly accept that. Even a C. (even though I don't think he should get C's. but ya.) In sports, if he played poorly.. I'm not going to lie, I'll tell him flat out he had a bad game. Not like I hadn't had those. But I'm not going to act like he did really good when he didn't. Okay I'm going off on a tangent here..:)

Anyways. With Ed. Thanksgiving sucked! But when it comes to what I felt yesterday sitting at the table with my husband and three boys and laughing .. it's starting to take a priority. Which is a BIG step for me. Can't say that it doesn't hurt that my boys love my cooking and they were happy we just stayed home and I cooked because "It tasted So good" .. that helped a bit lol.

It's taking me awhile.. and I figure it's going to take me a bit while longer. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I can accept being happy with what I have instead of constantly worrying about what food to eat and how much and what I'll look like .. blah blah blah.

One foot in front of the other right?

Family

So I'm having issues... Go figure right:)

When don't I seem to have issues hah

So mainly right at this moment.. I miss my family. I miss being able to come home and see everyone. And now I can't do it and that alone just bothers me. It's not like every time I have gone back it was one thing or another that bothered me, but it was just something about my family.

I am not sure how to explain it. Things are said and it hurts and bothers me.. even over the phone.. but at this point I'm feeling I need to be closer to them. That I shouldn't have moved away.

I thought it was going to be a good thing to have the distance but now I don't know.

Shit IDK anything anymore. Every decision seems to be the wrong one :?

So...

Well, lately I've just been sad. I've been upset that I can't really act out. I have nothing. I'm alone.

I've been wanting to cry for some time now. I mean I have cried but I really just wanted to cry my eyes out. The only thing was, I wanted my husband to like hold me and tell me that everything would be okay and it would be alright. That didn't happen. :/

I have to go get blood work done tomorrow and I'm thinking of canceling it .. I don't know what I want to do. I know I don't want to eat today but I will have to. Stupid medicine!

Then I have my Dr. appt. next week and I'll end up being honest. Mainly because I'm stupid and I just fess up lately. I don't deny things or lie. Also because I don't want ppl lying to me so then I figure if I don't lie they won't. (don't ask me why I figure that.. wouldn't be able to give a good answer).

My Dr. as far as I know doesn't know of my ED. The Dr. that sent me to him I did tell the first one and he sent everything but whether or not they really listened to me when I said I had Ed for the last 18 yrs. now that's another case. So, I might have to come out about it all and I'm really not in the mood to look at someone and tell them that I'm messed up. That I fucked up.. that I am a fuck up. Just don't need it right now. Or really ever.

So well whatever. I'm still having to eat. I'm still gaining weigh. I really just hate myself and I'm not sure what to do about that. Everyone tells me that I'm a horrible mom because I don't fight harder for my kids because I would die. And that just sucks. Just keep telling me I am failing yep.. that's helping.

Oh well.. :(

In a hole

That's how I feel.. stuck in a hole.

Yay.. I gained weight.. so happy.. blah blah blah!

Right now I am just constantly tired and I don't want to eat, but I end up having to. (stupid meds!) And it's not like their helping that much.. guess they are keeping me alive or something like that.

I still can't purge. Or rather I've finally done so and it was the hardest I had to work and it sucked and I just didn't like it. Made me really sad to be honest. Doesn't mean I still haven't tried.. but I just give up on it. Which also bothers me because I failed.

Just if I could do one thing right. I was doing one thing right and it got taken .. ripped right away from me. And again now I'm a failure. Guess it's just what I am. Is what it is.

So here I am now, trying to figure out the next step. Which way to go and I'm really just torn. The one way I can guarantee I'll gain more weight but there's a chance I could really be happy. I could feel like 'me' again. It's just that way scares me to death. The other direction well leaves me where I am. Constantly having to go to the Dr. and hating every moment of it. But with that I look in the mirror and feel good. (not now but then) So I don't know where I'll go. If I'll go anywhere.

Ak!

Well, .. hah.. well..

I made it about 2 months not purging. And really not by choice. Ed was constantly there. Specially in the harder times. The worst part was that is if I could have I would have purged way before then, but I just couldn't do it. Not sure why, I've never had that problem before but things have changed. And to further go into that they still are different. I can't purge like I had and it's so frustrating.

So, tomorrow I'll go back onto my diet .. again. I just wished I could be like 'normal'. That it wouldn't matter what I ate or didn't eat and that it wouldn't affect my body so much either. That would be a nice change.

I get really pissy too with the whole food situation. It just makes me mad that again I lost control. I have no control over anything it feels. And once I get some control some way or another it gets ripped away from me. Which then just makes me feel like I failed in another way.

And I'm sick of ppl saying that I'm a like 'downer'. I shouldn't say ppl, I know who has and what not, but to say that I'm all dark and what not.. well sorry that I'm not going to play off that my world is wonderful. I can't stand when someone is such a hypocrite that they can complain about situations they are in but once I complain about mine I'm depressed and blah blah. Well, ya maybe I am, I don't know I haven't been diagnosed with that but seriously who are you to judge me??!! Just over that! I can be pissy if I frickin want to!!

Welp, tomorrow is going to be a fight. I know what's going to be going thru my head and what I truely need to do. It's hard to have that constant arguement throughout the day. I get tired and just plain exhausted from it. I want for it to be over.

At this point I look at ppl and I envy them. Not necessarily on their body but just that they seem happy with themselves no matter what shape size hair color short tall, they have something within them that I desperately am seeking.

Maybe some day?!

Out of Contol

So the past couple months have been crazy for me. One health wise.. not sure how much Ed has to deal with it but it's obvious that you would think he had something to do with it. And then just two the fact that I've had to change everything all around that it's making me go crazy!

It's been .. lemme count.. 44 days since I purged. Should be shouting from the mountain tops right??! It doesn't feel good tho.. not for me. I can't purge. I have no control over it. And I guess that's what frustrates me more then anything. I don't have the chose, I'm not the one making the chose, instead once again like most things it's been made for me and I'm just to oblige.

And to be okay with that.. well I'm not. I hate it.. I desperately hate it!

Then on top of it just to have ppl constantly ask about how I'm feeling and what I've found out from the doctors .. blah blah blah. I just don't care right now. Like stop asking!!! You didn't freakin care before why do you act like you do now??

Well, anyways, one thing that has been taking from me is what I can and well should not eat. Here when I was trying to do 'good' on my terms of eating well most of that food, I can't eat. Or shouldn't eat anyways, due to my medical reasoning. And the food that I'm allowed to eat just takes gross that I end up eating candy:) haha. Go figure, I limited my candy intake when I was trying to eat healthier, and now that I have to eat low sodium.. well what candy I eat doesn't have sodium so bottems up. Better then half the sh*t that I try to eat.

And it doesn't help that when I do try to stick to the plan of eating what I'm supposed to to keep all my levels or really get my levels to a place the doctors want I end up gaining more weight. And have more problems.. So why would I want to do that???

Idk I'm just pissie right now. Big time!

What I hate the most is that when I took on this responsibility to try and overcome Ed, I wanted it on my terms. I wanted to feel like I accomplished it. I did it. But now once again, just like it seems like everything else, some one some how or another is telling me and I'm forced into doing it their way. Just tired of not being able to have an opinion that is actually taken serious.

If that makes sense for some of you.. I know others will completely understand.

What a Month!

Well this month has been crazy for me.

After I got home from S.D. and dealing with all that what I considering to be nonsense. I ended up bloating out. Or so I thought I was bloating. Long story shortish:P was I ended up developing ascites and they didn't know why. They prescribed me water pills and put me on a low sodium diet. The hardest part was that I had no choice in giving up Ed. I couldn't purge for my life. It hurt more then anything emotionally and mentally and physically to even try. And I just continued to put on weight. Finally last week my primary told me to go to the hospital to see a doctor he knew that somewhat specialized in this all so he gave that doctor all my info. and long and behold I was there for 5 days. I got my abdomen drained of fluid twice equaling a total of 8 Liters. And you would then think that I wouldn't have a belly right.. no I still look like I"m 6 months pregnant. I had a biopsy done on my liver which the results were I have autoimmune hepatitis. I guess it's something I would have had all my life but now just later on in life it's becoming apparent. What it basically is, I have my good cells not being able to tell the difference of the good and bad coming in to my body so it just attacks everything. So I'm home, but I have to somewhat take things easy. I will get up getting edema in my legs and ankles if I'm on them too long and then I'm on a low sodium and high protein diet.

School started for the kids this week, which really didn't help things at all either. I got released from the hospital on Sunday to turn around to get them off to school on Monday. Kyler has been a pain because he's just hard to work with when it comes to homework, and they just started:(

Then to make matters worse both vehicles need repair work done on them and here we really don't have the money. Specially when we get the bill in to from the hospital.

ahh..

Well, when it comes to Ed. He's still there. Right now it's a bit easier because I actually have a reason for being 'fat'. But it's not like I can't hear him. I have this gut wrenching feeling that what I was, the way I was, the way I liked it.. well it's gone forever. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But it will take months for me to actually recover from this or at least that it's moderated, that's when things will actually become difficult. Til then. I'm hoping Sept brings on better news!

What Else ??

So I'm going to have to go to the doctors and I really don't want to but there's kind of no choice now. And I don't want to go to the one that I had been seeing just because they seem a bit .. umm.. well I'm used to the doctors back home that actually seem to care about your well being instead of just having another patient. Then it sucks because I have to explain everything all over again. It's so much fun.. tell ya to have them look at you and be like a okay .. sure.

Well here's the issue. The other morning I decided because I had been restricting that I would have an ensure. I had been awake since 3 a.m. and so a quarter to 5 a.m. I thought drink an ensure and go to bed then you wouldn't even know you had it you could pretend it was a dream. But at least I would have something in me. That's what I did, only problem is I got really sick. I felt like crap the whole day really. Then later on .. mid afternoon I went to the bathroom and noticed in the mirror that my stomach was like huge looking like I was 3 or 4 months pregnant. So I panic thinking omg. I had Tom pick up a pregnancy test just in case and it was negative so that was good but then it was like why is my stomach so far out !? Tom thought I was bloated because I just had my period. Well the next day we go to the store and get some over the counter meds and he thought I should get laxatives as well. I tell you I have never in my life taken a laxative and I don't understand how ppl can. It .. just that is not right. But I guess purging some ppl see it the same way.

The bloating didn't go away and it wasn't until the next day that I felt a harder spot and it was sensitive. I was putting away groceries and hit the counter top and I was just like omgosh ouch! So when Tom got home I showed him and he wanted to take me to the doctors, but I had other plans that I just couldn't go. (didn't want to go and praying that it would just go away) But now it hasn't and I'm going to have to go in. Tom thinks its a hernia. I really hope that it's not. Ed is freaking out I'm freaking out. I'm not sure how I'm going to live or if ..

Just sucks because if it is a hernia, I mean it could be many reasons of stress but it also could be because of Ed. The problem for me is that I wanted the option for once. I wanted to decide and not have someone tell me what to do, how to do it, why to do it. I wanted it! But it's looking like once again all the power is taken from me and it just makes me more upset then before.

I would like to say it's not fair, but I know how most ppl consider the 'it's not fair' phrase and actually judge right away going well we had this or that. It's more of them saying suck it up already.

When it came to my brothers and sister the other night I guess maybe I should have said what happened if you were just told right now you don't have a job, Deal With It! I'm sure they wouldn't of liked that.

Well, it is what it is. I can't do anything right now about it. Try to get into the doctors and go from there. Hopefully it is just an overreaction. That's what I'm praying for. As for now it's just going to be having ensures because that's all I can handle.

What a Weekend!

Well went home and at first I was excited to see everyone. Specially considering all but my two brothers knew about it. I was nervous to eat, because I had a feeling that they were going to be watching my every move. Which guess they did. But obviously I ate because I gained 6lbs. But no, of course that's not good enough.

When they confronted me about Ed they had some questions and I was like okay I can do this no problem. It really wasn't all that bad. But it would be like I was trying to word my questions in a way that a person who doesn't understand Ed would understand it. My one brother told me I look like shit and I just laughed and said a.. ya that doesn't help. Another brother was like just eat. Again that isn't that simple. It's like I can't get thru to them and they are just like you get to control your life you get to decide. Meaning decide whether or not to live or die.

I was surprised how supportive my mom was tho. Which was a bit unusual. My sister said that I went and purged a sandwich that I ate (which my mom had already asked me and I told her no) but no one was going to believe me until my mom said no she already told me. But it's like okay the bathroom is not only used for one thing in my life.. sometimes I actually use the toilet to go # 1 or 2. Specially considering how much I was eating there. What was kind of funny to me, she was like there was this book on Dr. Phil and I was like ya I know Jenni Schaefer. I'm like got the book .. read it. Trying to use the tools that she talks about. But then my mom still writes it down on a note. So, Idk if she believed me or was just making sure just in case. Oh well not sometimes I'm worried about:)

Then it sucked because the second night my sister got into it with me. She's very pushy about me going into treatment .. and it's just not going to happen. She's telling me things are not working obviously with my team. Well, that's my decision to make. I kind of figure that if I do look like 'shit' it's because I'm working thru all my emotions. Oh and when I told my family that I'm working thru things, I had some of them say just get over it. Move on. Cuz you are the ones with the degrees or know anything about Ed. Got it. But back to my sister and my convo. I started to get like heated up and so when I do that now I just have to remove myself from the situation. It's been whats best for me. It's not saying I can't come back to the convo later or the next day, just it has to end right there and now cause I can't go forward. Well she got pissed and left. My sister-in-law went after her and after awhile I went outside. I apologized that I had to remove myself and that if I said anything that hurt her but it's me.

This is what I find hypocritical. After I thought that things were smooth I asked for a hug and she said she wouldn't give me a hug cause she's not fake like that. I was to say the least shocked. I asked to hug my sister because I loved her. Not to say that it was fake, but I guess whatever. I like how it was okay for her to say that she wouldn't give me a hug, but I can't decide to leave a situation that I felt was about to get out of hand !? Guess your choices are more important and what not then mine are for myself.

Now I'm just wondering how I am going to let all this effect me. Or where my relationship with my family will continue. How much I am willing to trust it again.

quirks

So I'm slowly learning to love myself because of my weirdness. And I'm actually getting proud of them.

For one.. is listening to music and that my boys .. ya boys are singing:) they like to play the piano. Eventho they won't listen to me on teaching them .. they just bang on the keys. I figure whatever your only 4 and 7 .. just have fun for now. I figure too that they like to sing more then anything so ya. The other part that I love about them is when I'll play music I'll have it turned blaring and we'll just dance like idiots!:) Just whatever we want to do. Frickin Zae the one day started to do the robot.. it was hilarious!!!! I just love making them feel comfortable in their skin and who they are.

My quirks are the one thing that have always held me back. That have kept me with ed. No one seems to ever see me for ME. I might say the wrong thing at the wrong time, but never on purpose. This is not what I wanted for my life. Just hard now because it's become my life. I want to change it. I know that I can change it. And maybe it's wrong of me to think that I need less of something else so that I can concentrate on fixing me. When I say fixing I mean getting healthy and being good with that.

I still don't understand how ppl can eat food without having a thought of it. Just why is it after I eat a strawberry (for an example) I'll immediately start to kinda panic. And ppl can sit down like Tom and eat a whole cheeseburger and fries with no worries. Really wished I could turn back time to be that type of person.

But back to my quirks is .. well I'm different. And I'm supposed to be different. I'm not supposed to be like you, or what you think I should be. My mind tells me who and what I am.. I really hope that believing this will help me thru things. 

Vaca Time

So to be honest .. well now that I'm back I'm disappointed. We ran around it seemed nearly every day until the last day was actually one of my favorite times. Just to be able to sit out in the sun and relax. Plus too it didn't help sleeping at night with Tom. That guy is a pain in the ass to sleep with. If it's not snoring I'm getting hit in the face with an elbow. So annoying!

But the kids had so much fun that you can't complain too much :) They were so excited and just had a good time. Zaelur was hilarious on how excited he was about everything. Including going on roller coasters.  He did have to hold onto me but standing in line he was just like OH YA. And afterwards he'd do the same. It was cute!

But here comes the neg. I was hoping that I would eat. And I did.. at times. But going and running really more allowed me to not eat. Plus to the food that they offer is just disgusting. They really need to come up with something better. Also, it upsets me because Tom knows I don't like hamburger and I don't like Pizza .. which is like what he can live off of.. yuck! But it's like what we have to look for to eat because he wants it. Sometimes I think I want a bite, yet as soon as I do I want to just vomit.

So heres the bigger deal. I leave in two days. And I know I'm going back more for the family, yet I also know that they are going to be watching me and my habits .. maybe calling me out maybe not. It's just frustrating to think of it tho. I keep trying to tell myself it's not til Friday don't stress about it now, and yet I can't help it.

The other problem I am having is that .. well I don't know if it is from hitting my head the other week or if it's because of Ed, but recently at night when I awake I can't see. Like at all. It's all black. And when I say black I mean black. I can't see figures or anything. I know I should go to the doctors but I really don't have the money and I'm just hoping it'll go away. The only thing is that my grandmother did go blind so I'm not sure if it's something that is running down the line or if it's just because of the hit on my head. I know I know.. stupid that I shouldn't just go to the doctors and find out .. which when I come back if that is the case I will go. Just right now I don't want to see a damn doctor. I don't like them. I didn't like them in South Dakota and I hate them even more here in Nevada! They truly suck!

It's just weird tho, because if I get up to go to the bathroom and as long as I turn on the light my vision comes back just fine. So I don't know if it's because of my black eye and the fact that I stayed inside for the last week, and then went out into the sun for 4 days that it caused this and my eye is just now adjusting, I mean it did do it the second day in Ca. but I figured it was just .. well not I didn't figure anything I didn't know what was going on. Just hopefully I'm stressing about nothing.

Well, wish me luck this weekend!!! I def. need some prayers!

YAY!:)

Beach here comes my ass:) haha!!

I did pack foods that I was comfortable eating cause I really .. I can't describe it. I don't want to be questioned and I don't want to feel like I need to go purge it either. So I'm glad that I woke up this morning at 5 and maybe a .. no a lot tired I thought of taking the good foods. Now the test is if I actually eat them. :(  Only because I know the only things that are going to be close to eating are going to be like fast food and oh hell no! And the thing is too is that fast food has truly nothing to do with my Ed, it's just plain and simple that I don't like it. Nor have I ever. It tastes nasty!

Anyways, positive thoughts today:) Beach day. Although with a black eye it kinda sucks but hey move forward hah! I can not wait to be on vaca and hopefully just smile for once in a long time that isn't forced or because I am laughing but because I am actually just happy to have that moment. Which now makes me cry. God I'm such a cry baby. :P But seeing my kids laugh and smile cause they are having a great time just makes me feel like I am giving them something that I never had. And it's really rude to say that but it is also the truth. Most of my memories are with my friends.. which are not all bad or anything like that but just different if you get what I mean.

Well, I better finish packing up here and trying to repair this eye so that hopefully I don't get so many looks ?!?!? Please at least. Damn thing needs to heal!! But I'm looking forward to this weekend and just laying in the sun and just hearing laughing and hopefully no fighting, crap there it goes again with negative.. never ends! Flippin Ed! Always finds a reason or why.

Okay. Wish me luck on having a good vaca:) And shoot good with Ed. I don't like saying that really.. a.. but.. said it .. it's done. Um.. anyways. Done lol

Decisions

I'm almost at the point where I want someone to take over for me. I'm obviously not capable of making the correct ones. It's just like as soon as I make a decision something back fires on me and then I'm in more a distraught mind set then I was before and I can't let it go.

So, not only is my eye black and blue .. incredibly so. And I'm refusing to go outside to have someone see me. Who gets in a fight with a toilet.. Me that's who. I'm apparently horrible at it too! haha. Well, I have been getting headaches after I do something, like clean and then I'll have to lay down and I've just been trying to get as much rest, putting ice and heat on my eye hoping that by Thursday it doesn't look so bad. I really don't need to draw ANY attention to myself. But so what I was getting at was I found out the other day that my whole family is gathering and then yesterday my brother calls to tell me he'll fly us up to be there. Obviously Tom would not be apart of the conversation that my family would have together, but even then Tom can't make it because of work. And then too I was just confused. I don't want hand outs and I appreciate the fact that he would offer this and I want to go home at the same time. But nothing is set in stone either so I have no idea what's going on. I just feel guilty, but I want to see my family. It could be the last time I see my dad.

Well, I cried and talked with Tom, then thought you know I'm going to call my mom. She did say she would like to see me but that she really didn't think that anything from this meeting was going to settle anything and that there probably would be another .. to just wait for that. She made me feel more comfortable with the choice I made that I would not go back and just either be on speaker phone or skype to be apart of the convo. Then I call my brother and he's like pretty much saying no I need to come. Talked with my sister and she did say I could skype but that she thought I should be there as well. Now that just puts everything up in the air.

I'm not sure if something will happen like it did last summer and I get into an argument and right now without Tom being there I don't know if I could handle that. I really am an emotion wreck right now. (might be an understatement hah)

I know if I went back I would get to see Brayd, but he'll also be home soon .. it would only be another couple days. And then I just think about being home and getting thoughts out, walking around with no one around and just feeling free again.

Oh and then to top things off, ahh.. my mother-in-law stops by last night and Tom opens the door. I had no where to go. We had been talking about me going and so I'm sitting there going OH SH*T. I mean really no one buys this story of the toilet, and trust me if I had a different story it would come out. It's gotta be the stupidest thing that I could do to give myself a black eye. I mean seriously. It sounds like a lie to me.. only problem is it's not:( So then I have to explain to her what happened and then she's like well I came over to see if you wanted to go over to her other sons house to see the baby. And I just said I would love to but I really don't want to be seen like this. So now I wonder what stories I'll here next on how I probably got hit by Tom and that I deserved that too. Just not in the mood anymore. OOo.. tho:) heheh. My devious side hahaha. While she was here I threw in some dags about how I'm done with the drama I don't need ppl talking behind my back and saying things that just are not true. Ah and there was one more line I said but I can't think of it off hand anymore. I will as soon as I'm done here of course but ya I just was happy that I took that opportunity to call her out.

Okay, well, I will know by tomorrow what I'm going to do. If I do go home pray for me:) My kids will love it.. I know that much which just makes the decision even harder. They get to see all the cousins and then they just love being in the small town playing. They get to run wherever and they no that:p And then on Thursday we go out to Cali. I am hoping I won't have to cut that short, which I might if I have to fly out on Monday. Gosh .. just so much going thru my head! I hate it! Til next time.

Music

There's this song by Gotye -Somebody that I used To know. And for the beginning part I just love the song and just the sound. But listening to the words I put it into a whole different perspective. And I get if you watch the video its a boy and girl thing:) But I think of it as me and Ed. Or even some of my relationships. With that I mean friends and ppl that I dated.

The thing is I love listening to music. Specially lately. It helps me feel relieved or just calm. It helps me to get things out. (obviously listening to music now hah) There's just something about it tho that gets me to a place that makes me feel like everything will be okay, some day.

So I found out yesterday that the rest of my siblings are having a discussion dealing with my parents. Like what to do with everything after they are gone. Yes I am out of state and I wouldn't be able to make it there for it, but.. um.. hello, still their daughter! I don't even know anything really about it. All I know is my mom said they were having a 'pow wow' about their finances. I did say that I didn't think that was a good idea. That's just to me. I know my father is about to turn 80 but to discuss him as if he were to be already gone, I just personally don't like it. And why am I not involved in it at all?!?!

Well, actually I can pretty much answer that. I'm the baby. I know nothing! What could I add to anything. And maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Honestly, it's probably a good thing I'm not up there because I would say that I don't think it's our position to be involved and to let them make their own decisions. But I guess that's just me. I'm more worried about the time that I will not have with them then the finances after the part. I've already told my mother the other thing that I want from her or that she owns is the Christmas House collection that she has:) I said I didn't need money or anything like that. I wasn't going to argue with my brothers and sisters over anything (minus the houses haha.. just kidding as long as I get some :) ) And then last night I told her that I wanted to make sure that the house stayed in our family, which two of my brothers have already talked about. I just really don't want the house to be gone and our of our family..

So. Ya. All I know right now is I am the only one out of the 6 that has no idea on what is going on with this so called meeting of the family. And if there is one thing I've learned my mom is going to get pissed and my dad is going to go walking off laughing at them. So I just don't understand it. But hey what do I know, I'm the baby.

Thursday COME FASTER!

So like I mentioned Thursday going on Vaca. Probably not a right choice when it comes to money, but how I feel right now I desperately need it! I just feel like getting away from life right now will help. Not just with Ed, but with my marriage and my kids. There's something about children when they laugh and smile about something so small that just warms your heart. It's just like going back to a time where I actually was happy and I need that. I'm being selfish but hey they will have fun too:)

I just can't find a reason right now to get myself on track. You would think having a family that you would fight harder. And the hypocrisy part is that if someone were to try to hurt my children I would KILL THEM!!!!!!! And yet isn't that what I'm doing, I'm hurting them and I just kind of don't care. Ed has me so convinced that I'm better this way then I would be that way. The stupid arguments in my head are just tearing me apart.  Because it's like your worth more, and then something happens and it's like well that's why you got treated the way you did, cuz that's what you are worth. Nice try thinking you were something your not.

Tom and I have actually been on good turmoil. Which as of the last year for sure is surprising. But I'm hesitant on it. I don't know if I believe any of it yet. I would like to but they do say that the past behaviors usually show the future behaviors. So, again it's hard. Like Ed keeps saying really your going to be that stupid again???? Your falling for it! Come on! Where the me part is almost desperately wanting it to be true that then I just start to cry. I feel like I'm going crazy.

My Ed has been my protector. The one that says don't cry, you can't show your weakness because they are just going to take more of it from you. They are going to see that and just shove the knife in a bit deeper so be strong and fight. Where the me of myself is a different person. It's a person that can see a homeless person and cry because I can't help them get a house. If I was just living on my own I think I would tell as many as possible to just come crash on my floor, but because I have my kids I hold back. I constantly give money to them, which Tom doesn't like because we really don't have money to hand out.. I just can't help it. If we can figure a way to go on vaca even for 5 days, I can def. give a $1 to someone standing on the side or go get them some food.

All I know right now is that every day I cry. I'm tired of crying. I can't even believe I have enough tears to cry that much! And stupid crying makes me exhausted so I end up taking these little naps all day long. Plus too, I fricken okay don't like to admit it specially considering all that has happened in the past year, but I tripped over the damn cat and lost my balance to hit the damn toilet  .. ya.. now I have a black eye. It's swollen and hurts and I can't, well won't go out of the house because it looks like I got punched. Which is absolutely embarrassing! So that hasn't helped with me eating at all either. Ed of course steps in and says just rest instead of having lunch or for that fact anything. Now I just hope that it'll be gone by vaca. Was to go see my father-in-law today but that's absolutely out of the question. I can not be seen like this!

Okay well, I'm going to end this already. I don't know how to get on the right track anymore, I'm wishing and praying that it'll come slap me in the face and I'll get out of this rut.

IDK A FRICKIN TITLE:)

So I'm in a good mood, but yet I'm pretty sure that's because I'm tired. Mainly because when I'm tired I'm a little loopy that I just don't give a damn.

I haven't gotten to understand my Ed. Well I mean Ed to everyone it is Ed, but just a different Ed at the same time, or at least I think so ?!?! I say this because mine LOVES to buy food, to cook food, to imagine what it looks like but then will refuse myself to eat it. It's like the whole saying a kid in the candy store. Which is pretty funny considering I will allow myself to eat candy. I mean heaven forbid I have some chicken, but candy .. your good!

My biggest problem is shopping. I don't know if it's because I really don't go to the mall or to a other store other then groceries. Or if it is just because Ed takes me there. I have no clue. But when I buy food or it's ridiculous. I have so much food and well sometimes it gets eaten other times I'm just throwing it away and then I'm mad at myself for buying it. Plus, when I'm trying to fight Ed I buy the food that I think will be more of my safety foods, which then are more expensive, and long and behold I end up throwing that out because I go back to the way I am. It just sucks

The reason why I'm talking about this all right now is because I just .. well last week I just signed up for this delivery of food. One I was taking a nap but then I heard the guy talking to Tom about food and I was like OH, and then it's all this food that is freshly made the day before, so then I freak and buy buy buy!!!! It takes a day for it to come and it's in the nighttime (hint why I'm tired) but I'm putting things away and I'm like just happy, yet I know I won't touch it. And why? Like if I'm not going to eat anyways why do I keep buying food.. just frustrated. And why can't I just eat some and be okay?! I took a bit of the kids breakfast yesterday and then had to spit it out. Not because I didn't like the taste but because I didn't want it in me. It's becoming crazy that I don't like either!

On another subject.

Today, as of now if it works out.. I get to meet another person that has been fighting. This will be my first time meeting someone that also has Ed or had Ed rather. My thoughts are really positive too. I just have a feeling like to smile and not for it to be fake. Now I do worry about the conversations:) haha, only because usually they've dealt with Ed and it'll be in a busy place that it's not a place I would like to discuss it so haha. But I'm really looking forward to it. It's like a next step for me. Because I haven't gone to group meetings other then online and I haven't gone into treatment, that maybe this says something .. Idk.. guess we'll see.

Another positive in 6 days I'm on VACA:) WOOHOO!!!!! I really hope that the time away and being or at least trying to relax will help me come to grips. Hoping!

Well done for now:)

Here I go again, Hello Ed

So I feel like I'm in the HUGE depression. All I want to do is cry and scream at ppl.

The 4th of July was just a busy day, but it wasn't just that. I was fine in the morning and going to my brother and sister in laws. Wasn't so thrilled about eating, but that's just how I'm getting now. But then I get to find out that my mother in law is saying shit about me. It was like WTF?!?!?!?!? I was pissed. To hear some of the things that both of my b-i-l and s-i-l were telling me that my m-i-l was saying was like huh.. its only coming from one place. Tom. Of course he denies it and saying she's just making up shit. Which on one hand their were things that was said that I know better because it wouldn't make sense, but other things ... ya it definitely came from him.

And it's just like why, just when I figured out to handle my mom for the most part.. and that's only taken me 31 years of my life, I'm also then dealing with Tom and figuring out our marriage and what to do .. now I have to have this as well. I'm like ready to just run away to some place, Idk, live in a box by myself.

I just don't get my m-i-l.. I have dealt with this crap of her saying some things for quite some time. Most of it tho has just always been really pity bullshit that upset me but not to this point. The things she is saying is complete lies. And thank god that both my b-i-l and s-i-l were saying that they knew it was Tom running to her and what not. His brother even said he was going to talk to Tom and his mom about it because it needed to stop. I really appreciate that! Really I do, but at the same time it's like it should be my husband standing up for me. Specially considering I told him about 4 years ago about things that were said to me when they were at my house.

Oh and get this my m-i-l comes over yesterday, in which I told Tom I was refusing to be around her right now because I was worried that my mouth would get the best of me and it was just better that I would act like I had to go upstairs for some reason. Well, he didn't answer the door, and not only one time did she come but twice and both times tried to open my door. It's like .. no.. you just don't go about opening ppls door. At least it's not okay with me anyways. I would never do that.

Well all it did was make me spiral, I hardly ate when we did eat, and even then I made sure to come back to the house so I could purge it. Since then it's been downhill. :(

Positive thing .. which has NOTHING to do with my eating.. well ah.. it will crap.. anyways not thinking about that right now. Positive thing, Going to DisneyLand:)  I can't wait to sit on the beach and by the pool and to actually *fingers crossed* *knock on wood* have a relaxing nice time .. so that I can come home and maybe not be in the complete hole that I feel I'm stuck in.But I will have to eat out there and that might be frustrating, I'm hoping that I can get Ed out of my head for at least moments .. hoping.. might be stupid but still hoping.

4th of July

(just so anyone who would read this knows I actually did try to post it yesterday morning but the damn computer wouldn't scroll down or up so I could hit publish and I just said f*ck it:) )

I would add a pic but I'm on my sons computer:) haha...

The 4th is one of my favorite days.. Not so much this time around tho :/

Over the last year I've gone thru so much. Some of you know some of you don't. I've had a lot of trials that here I thought I only dealt with with my mother..

Growing up my mom said and hurt me a lot. I always hated her for it, still kinda do, but I also have some way or reason over came it all. (well not all, but at least I know how to handle her now.. the distance might have been a help as well) anyways..

Today is almost sad for me. I've been sad for awhile now. I cry a lot. I don't mind crying either, well I usually do it by myself so I don't mind to cry I don't find it weak or being a baby. But like I said I cry a lot by myself. Now when I'm in an argument or fight no way in hell do you get to see tears .. just not gonna happen. I keep going off on a tangent here because there is so much in my head I can't get it all out and this computer SUCKS!:) HAHAHA

But this day 9 yrs ago I stood on a hillside with my husband. We were only dating at that time, but I had never been to a firework show before. And it was the most beautiful calming thing I had ever seen before in my life. I fell in love with him that night. It's kinda hard to describe how I felt, but it was at that moment that I fell for him.

After this last year today is sad because I don't know what I need to do. I get hurt not only by my doings but by others, and I don't know if I need to walk away from them as well or if just getting thru Ed will get me into a better place with these ppl.

All I know is 1. I do want my marriage to work. I do want the love and respect that I think should be given. 2. I don't want to die this way. And 3. Once you get into my life.. truly get into my life, it's REALLY hard for me to let you go. I believe into trying every which way to work it.

So pray for me today. I know I'm going to cry. Funny how I feel so weak and whatnot but yet I still have the energy and the tears to come.

Happy 4th tho. I hope you all enjoy it!

Happiness

Why can't I find it? Why can't I just be happy with what I have in life?

It's honestly hard to see others that go threw hardship and come out stronger then ever and are happy. And it's not like that I wish hardship on them, it's more of like they had it harder then I did.. do. But here I am. Stuck in a spot that I can't figure out if I care to get out of.

I just cry all the time. I'm so upset all the time. I don't like it. I hate it to be truthful. I want to be a mother that my kids like and I think if I'm doing anything is making their life worse. And maybe that's why I don't care if I leave this world. At least the good thing is that because of my religion I won't ever actually take my own life, but I guess I am taking my own life, just in a different type of way.

It's hard to look back and think when I had the boys. How great it felt when they were born, how I thought I would never let anything bad happen to them, but now .. it's not that I wouldn't want to not let anything bad happen, but in a way I am. I'm the bad. It's not like that I abuse them or anything, I just am taking away their happiness. Or at least that's how I feel. I am just so sad.

I know that I'm the only one that is to fight for me, I just wished there was one person that would fight for me and it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. To walk away from that is becoming more real but it doesn't make it any easier. And eventho I might end up being able to take care of the kids more, I do wonder how closer I will grow with ed. Considering that's all I'll have.

Hah, a bit of an off subject. When I do think of happiness this is one of my somewhat recent moments. Last summer I went back home. And to try to help my mom and just kind of be the daughter that she always said I wasn't. I made sure to cook dinners for the what.. 30 of us in total:) One day most of the fam was out and it was just my sister-in-law and then all the kids with us both, so let me think that's 11 of them. I do like to cook so I will say that. So I grilled up hamburgers and hot dogs, and some chicken. Nothing big or anything, but my parents grill is a lot different then mine. Anyways. After it cooled down my mom had come home and so I was asking her a question about it because I was trying to clean it up for the next time it was used. She went off on me about cooking up all this stuff. Which didn't make much sense considering 1. I bought the food. 2. I cooked it. and 3. I'm cleaning up .. not expecting her to do anything. Well, I got pissed. And usually when I say pissed it's actually I'm sad and hurt. So I slammed the door went and grabbed a beer and went out into the tall grass to sit in the sun.

Now, when I say tall grass I mean tall. Tom came looking for me and I could see him but I wouldn't say anything. I sat there and cried and drank my beer. But here's the kicker. For once I felt calm and just relaxed and happy. Sitting in the dirt/grass in the summer heat. I actually felt .. well the like 'just be'. I almost can't find the words for how wonderful it felt. Eventho I was crying. I want one of those moments again. Maybe without the crying haha. But I just want to Just Be. Just to take in the silence .. hear the birds, feel the breeze going thru, looking at the clouds.

Oh I'm going to have to try again. I'll probably wait til Monday because that's how I roll:) haha.. I have to make myself laugh every once in awhile. It's just scary to think of doing it again. But I'll pick myself up and try try again.

Sprial

This is how it always starts for me.

So I start with this One trigger.. maybe more Idk for sure on that. But it definitely starts with one thing that then it gives me the excuse to say that I give up.. essentially. I wanted to start a whole new again this past Thursday.. that didn't happen. Now it's Sunday and I'm still going to give into Ed.

Now for some reason Mondays are usually easier to go into it with. I don't know if it's because I think of Mondays as a new week and new beginning or what. But I can start off on Mondays really well. Only problem is getting thru today and being okay with getting thru today.

Well, anyways. I kinda liked last week with eating and doing good. It kinda creeps me out tho as well. It's a weird thing to think that I can eat and be okay and feel good. I mean I used to feel just fine before anyways so it never bothered me, where as of now I can feel the difference when I do or don't.

Tom kinda thinks I need to go to treatment and I tried to explain why I can't. And I know it sounds like Ed is talking there .. which maybe he is a bit.. but I look at things that as long as I start really seeing things and looking and realizing what is happening will help. As long as I'm honest with myself then I can overcome this. Idk. Maybe I'm wrong. *shrug*

So tomorrow is a .. well another start .. again. I have lots of them. But at least I keep coming back. I might give up for a bit or something but I will never give in. I'll slowly fight.

Triggers

Learning my triggers are hard. When I first came onto EDA everyone was talking about triggers. Like that was a new word for me. I felt a bit ignorant that I didn't know. (and just so we know I actually don't mind the word ignorant I don't find it negative hah).

So, the protocol was no numbers, don't mention food, a .. what else.. oh the behaviors that you might have acted out on. I'm sure there's more but I was like a.. okay. Now you could personally message and say whatever your weight was or what not. That never bothered me. I don't know why. And it really still doesn't. I'm not in a competition with others on what they way, or at least my Ed isn't. Which I guess is a good thing!? My Ed is in a competition with myself. Always has been.

I will say that when I see a pregnant person, I always wished I looked as cute as they do. I always just got mainly round like a tire. Christ with my oldest my professor came up in front of the entire class to say oh Ms. Foley I can finally tell your pregnant. I was 8 months along. Like I don't know how you couldn't tell I couldn't even see my feet at that time. But hey thanks for just thinking I looked fat the whole time.. nice. And I just have to laugh about it now.

And with calories, I don't know how you ppl do it. I try and I suck. That takes so much time and effort and I estimate just so then I have an idea but I'm pretty sure I'm off. And the ppl that can have seriously just a bit of cals a day, the amount of cals I have I'm like blown away because I think it's not much but then I look at them and I'm going holy cow (no pun intended) but how in the world are you still operating?!? It just shocks me as well as it doesn't many others.

I can sit down with people and have them eat a 'normal' meal, it won't bother me. Mainly because my kids eat like horses and they.. well it goes right threw them. Not sure how that works for them, wished it would for me. But I can go out to eat and not worry. I'll just get something and pretty much snack on it here and there and I'm not worried about what others say about it or not. I am a picky eater, always had been. My friends growing up were surprised when in 8th grade it was my first time eating a cheeseburger. They couldn't believe it. But they grew to know that I wouldn't eat certain things. I was very limited on what I would or would not eat. At that point too it really didn't have anything to do with Ed, it was just more of what I liked and didn't like. Sometimes that's why it's so hard now to eat, because I try to make a schedule but I only like certain things.

Alright the whole point of my triggers. I found one last night. I have for the last 3 days had a hard time when it comes around 7 to 8 with Ed thoughts. So last night I get my snack and I held off until about 7:45, figuring that it would calm me down and I would be fine and go to bed shortly after Brayd left. I eat my snack and shortly after Tom makes food. It was like for over an hour and half I'm arguing in my head and it really wouldn't have triggered me if he didn't come sit down right next to me. So then it was like that's a sign do it. So I ate more just go purge. No purpose at all.

Except it puts me in a spiral.. so today is gone. But I did make a promise to myself that tomorrow I will start again. That I have to. I'll give today but tomorrow it's starts over. I figure that's the only way I can push myself thru things. Might not make sense to some, but it does to me.

You know everyone has a different recovery, and I do desperately hope that this works for me. So ..

Well so what I learned, is that next time, I have to sit there and work myself thru it. I have to look back on what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. And that I have the strength to go thru it. It might take awhile for me to understand my triggers, but in a way it is nice to finally recognize them so then I know how to handle it. Or eventually learn how to overcome it.

Eventho I gave it, I am optimistic of the outcome of it. That there is a positive in this negative. And if anyone knows me .. I'm not an optimistic person:) haha. So change is happening. Slowly but surely. 

It's my day 3

Well I did decide that I would try to do things 'right' again. I would get my schedule and eat meals and snacks. I can't say that I eat everything that I put down but I have 2 days under my belt and I'm going to try moment moment for today. I'm not even thinking about dinner, just breakfast and snack might not happen.

I have such a weird appetite, that's it's like I can't just have anything and even then some of the meals I get so full on before I'm even half way done so then I usually just put it in the fridge to eat it for my snack. I figure it's better the nothing right now.

Monday night sucked too .. sleeping I mean. I couldn't relax at all and I had drank so much water I was up like every 1/2 hr going to the bathroom. Last night was a lot better, except around 8 p.m. I had the Ed urges of just go purge. So I am a bit worried that today is going to be hard, but we'll see. Just gotta keep one foot in front of the other.

What bothers me the most is that by mid-day I feel so frickin huge. I'm really hoping that it's just because of how much water I've already drank and that I'm just retaining it. I don't know. It's just a scary feeling.

I think the hardest parts for me is at night because during the day I can have really anything I want. But we have family dinners and so I do eat what the kids and Tom will, I just keep it very Very limited.

Well we'll see how things continue to go. Right now I'm just happy that I took the break that I did. I needed to get my head to stop constantly with this battle. Eventho I still thought about it, it was a different thinking. Kind of felt like I took a vacation, knowing when I came home I still had housework and the normal day things. So I believe it was what I needed. 

Camping

This weekend was .. well interesting to say the least.

I am really weak feeling. I don't know if its because of Ed of because I'm coming down with something. I just feel really sick constantly.

I did eat, only problem is twice I involuntary threw up twice. The only thing I can come up with was both times it was a cheeseburger and I also had onions with it. And both times I barely ate any of it but it wasn't even like 30 minutes later that I was puking.

Really find it weird that I'm okay making myself throw up, but when I can't control it it pisses me off and makes me feel even more sick.

I ended up both times just crashing. In the middle of the day just sleeping for hours like it was just crazy. But I guess at least I did get some food inside of me. Some. Most that I've had in quite awhile.

One sandwich I ate, well I didn't eat the whole thing, but I was snacking on it for about 3 hours. Each bite I would take I would want to just vomit so then I would stop. Yet I was starving. So then I would lay down to wake up to take another bite. I hate thinking of things like that. Like why can't I just sit down and have a fricking sandwich.. is it really that bit of a deal!? Apparently but it still pisses me off.

 The worst part right now is that my eyes are yellow. Obviously I know if I just did things 'right' that things wouldn't be so bad at least. It's just getting over myself to get to that point. I was hoping that this weekend would help, yet it really hasn't a whole lot. It has to the point that I'm actually considering eating more. Probably not a whole lot more, but just more.

Like tonight I ate some crackers, only probably is again got sick and puked.

Tom thinks I need to go to the doctors, but I'm pretty much over that. I don't like to give chances. (well I shouldn't say that because someone I know has gotten way TOO many chances, which is another story in its own) but I don't like going to another person to say look at me I'm fucked up. Just not okay with it I guess.

But I guess .. we'll see how this week goes. See how much I'm willing to fight. I really don't know right now tho.

Maybe ?!?!

Well, I'm not guaranteeing anything. And to be completely honest I'm scared half to death!

So we are going camping this weekend. Last year when we went was just in the beginning of my fight against Ed, so I was really tense the whole time and really worried about everything I ate. Even purged a couple times (which was really uncomfortable and I didn't like it at all). But I have this plan. I don't know if it'll work or not but I guess there's only one way to find out.

Okay so, I've decided that I will eat something while camping. Probably not a whole lot, but I will at least eat where as of lately I haven't. And then I'm well thinking/hoping/almost not thinking about it:) but that when I get home I'll continue with it.

I don't know .. obviously I don't know it hasn't happened hah. I just can't think that far ahead I guess. Cuz I'm worried that I'll freak myself out and then I can't or won't do it. Really it's won't because Ed will be too thick. 

I didn't stop seeing my doctor and therapist. Mainly because of money. Also, it wasn't seeming to change anything. I like to blog, but journaling really hasn't done much for me. Not sure if that's just because I'm not using it in the way that I should. I write down the way I feel but it still is there it doesn't change how I feel it just puts it down in words. 


Alright then, wish me luck. Here I go again. Well not til Thursday:)

Still here

I find it funny how ppl think that an eating disorder means that you are trying to be skinny. 

I guess maybe for some it is. For me, it's the only thing that I seem to control. It's the only thing that I know that I can feel strong about and be able to have that voice in. 

Now, does that mean I don't want to be skinny. No not necessarily. I mean I definitely don't want to be fat. That does scare me, but I also believe in the beginning it started because it was the ONLY thing that I could control. Because really I never was fat nor was I skinny. But I still always purged. It didn't matter. And there were times that I would allow myself to eat. That's why I say that it's so much More then just being 'skinny'.  

When I did start I know I was looking for a way to look better, but it changed fast on my outlook. It's really kinda hard to explain. I wasn't looking to be like a model or something like that, I was just looking to make sure that I didn't become over weight. 

Now, I know deep down that I should gain weight but I actually like who I am at this point.. which then makes it hard.  Eventho I said I was taking a break, I think that's not really true. It's not like I'm not thinking about things. I'm constantly thinking of food and what I should eat and blah blah blah. I've actually gained weight. (which I'm hoping is just because I got my period and just the stress of everything going on) 


I now realized that as soon as I chose to fight Ed back almost a yr ago, just about it'll be another 3 days and it'll be exactly a yr that I've done anything about it. Well, since then, I realized that it's with me. I'm constantly thinking about it. Where as before I just went thru things blind. Just walked. 


Only problem now is that I really HATE food! It's taken such control over me and I can't stand that. It pisses me off. I mean I should have to worry about something else, not food. 


I guess what I'm trying to get at for the most part, is that it's really not about the eating and making sure that we are as tinny as possible. Or whatever it is. It's more about the comfort and control of something. When everything else is ripped away and the Only thing is knowing that you put what goes in or out of your mouth.. that's what it is. 


I think that's why I like to shop. Well not actually like at the mall (cuz there's too many ppl that would have opinions ya know?!) But instead I do it over the internet. And I love it because I see something I like.. that me.. I like. I don't have to ask for opinions I just know that I love it. Now does that make it mean that it would look good on me.. no necessarily .. but I like it and that's all that matters. Instead of being out in public and having someone go ahh.. sure. 

I think that's why I'm home bound. I'm usually by myself and I get to learn how to love myself. I'm proud of me. And I love me. Sucks going out and having someone tell you your not who you think you are. That's when Ed steps in. 


Okay now I'm going all over the place:) 


I know I'm going to start to fight again, put it that way. I know it. I feel it. And I'm scared! I have so many emotions and feelings going thru me that I ... I don't know how to address them. I'm kinda mad because I wished that long long LONG time ago I never would have chosen this route. I have so much going on. Not just with me but with my husband and with the kids and just the hurt. I'm tired of it all!


Well, fuck! haha. We'll see ..

My Lover

Hello Ed, 

My lover, My supporter, My everything. The only one who I know I can lean on. 


That's how I feel. Specially now! 


Why is it the ones that you feel like you could fall on always do something or push you away. The ones that you thought that would stand by you just fall down telling you that YOUR THE PROBLEM. 


Maybe I am the problem!? 


IDK anymore! All I can think anymore is that I am the common factor in the equation. Everything that seems to be upsetting, well I'm the cause of it. I know this sounds like a pity party for me and that's truly not what I'm looking for. I'm just saying that maybe I'm the problem. And that's hard to 'try' to understand. Specially when your trying to convince yourself and Ed that your worth it. 


Ed takes every mistake and says that I should have done it this way or that way and why did you do that.. your stupid! If you would have only done this. 


And to fight Ed, GOD DAMN IT'S HARD!!!!!! For anyone who doesn't know it's so trying .. it's a constant argument. Eventho I have taken a 'break' It sure doesn't feel like it. I still think about it. I still don't sleep. I still look at food the way that I had learned over the past year. I am fearing summer because I have less energy then last year. Then I have to weigh myself which there again just makes me more anxious. 


Biggest problem is .. Ed has always been my BIGGEST supporter. Might not be the Right supporter, but he's always been the one inside of me saying that I am something. It seems everyone else finds something wrong with me. And when they find that 'what is wrong with me' they used and abuse it. Then I come out screaming and scratching. Or maybe Ed does. Idk. Just wished for something that I thought I should have. 


Guess I need to learn to handle with the cards that I was dealt. Unfortunately my hand sucks like hell!

UpDate

So would I like to come on and say that I chose to start it up again.. Ya not happening. Sorry.

I know a few ppl are well worried, maybe a bit disappointed for my decision, but I get to own my decision. Maybe Ed made it for me more then I made it for me, but I get to own it.

I have felt overwhelmed, and lately I feel a bit less stressed. I don't feel so angry. That doesn't change what has happened tho. I don't really want to go in deep about it, I want to reach out, but then I don't. I don't want to hurt someone that I love.

The worst part right now is that I absolutely HATE food. It doesn't taste good at all. I'll have a bite of something and it's like omg that taste like sh*t.

I did do something somewhat positive yesterday. We went to the mall and shopped (for me.. of course.. that's the make up time:) .. I'm not refusing buying myself things tho haha) But we went to a restaurant and I asked to just somewhat share a meal. So I had about a quarter of a hamburger with a couple fries  and guess what =) Didn't purge when we got home. So my body got something.

Is that weird that I think like that? It's like I feel like if it was child and my parents letting me stay up another 30 minutes. That's how I play it in my head though. Anytime that I do purge and if it's hard it's like then become a battle that then Ed NEEDS to Win. And that it's like a tug away but hey Ed is going to win, don't be foolish. One way or another, Ed wins.

I'm starting to think that it's Me that wants to win, not Ed. Eventho it's Ed's voice it's Me that wants to win. It's the one that says I am Good enough, I am Strong enough, I am Something worthwhile. I'm something .. I'm not garbage I have feelings and you know it's okay for me to feel the way that I feel. I get to own it, and SHUT UP and let me be ME! I'm not perfect, and yet I'm perfect.

I'm perfect because God gave me what he gave me. Just problem excepting me because others do not. Or basically tell me that I am nothing. It's hard to fight with everyone. It gets to be overwhelming. Heartbreaking. Hurtful. Obviously we all know I'm sad:) Desperately wanting to be happy.. soo.. ahh..

Well, My favorite hateful saying. It is what it is. Gotta 'man up' and deal with it. Just hope that God has a greater plan for me then what I'm seeing.

Friends

So I do feel ashamed that I 'gave up'. I haven't given up completely but I just need a break. One friend wrote me this quote:

The semi-colon ( ; ) has a beautiful meaning behind it. It is used when a person could've ended a sentence and decided to continue it instead. Make sure, in your recovery you pick up the torch again. Don't give up.


That gave me hope for some reason. It was like I have someone that understands that I fucked up .. am fucking up but that there's still that chance for the life that I dream of.

It might not make sense to everyone, but it means A LOT  to me! I just need this moment. I felt like I was slowly taking it and well ya. Now I just Need it .. for me. Like I said it might like make sense to others.

I'm surprised at how much Tom is actually supporting it. Like not cheering about it:) haha.. but just is like if this is what you need then take it and we'll move forward. That really meant a lot.

And I hate that others are concerned or upset with my decision. Like I said before I'm a failure.. and no offense to any of you (REALLY!) I feel horrible. I feel like I'm a let down. That I can't get anything right. I can't do anything..  I SUCK! What can I say?!

But I like that Sarah sent me that quote. Because I haven't completely 'GIVEN UP'. I am just taking a break. I just need my moment. It's been exhausting with emotions and then family that I just need a moment.

Now, can I say when I'll start again to fight.. I have no idea. But I know that this isn't what I want for my life or my children. That much I know. So in due time my choices will be told.. until then I'm just living. 

Just Plain Frustrated

So Eventho I'm really not trying to do anything. I'm just trying to breath.. it's not working. Even according to Tom when I told him that others were liked worried or upset with me that I said I was taking my break, he even said that I really am not. That I'm still thinking about it and going thru the process. He basically or at least what I got was go down the road that I need to take. Guess that's how I would have done anyways without someone telling me. 

But now to get to my issues. First, my internet is down. How I have no idea. Luckily enough they made these frickin phones that you can connect to the damn commuter to be able to have internet. Lucky me. 

Last night Tom's mother called. So she asked me to take her to the airport tomorrow. (Not today but tomorrow). And it's not like it's THAT much of a problem it's just a problem because we talked about these a couple weeks ago and why would you not have said something then. But whatever I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. BUT.. then she goes into her whole we need to buy a house thing. How cheap it is and it's useless to be renting and blah blah blah. 

Well to me .. I .. well 1. We can't afford to do it. Ever since we attempted to buy a house and ended up not getting it because of the fucking economy and banks (it truly had NOTHING to do with us and our offer.. I know this because they sold it after foreclosure 25k less then what we offered.. so it's just a bit fishy) Okay so then 2. We have a great landlord. 3. We have great friends just around the corner that can and will do anything to help out. 4. Oh did I say we don't have the money:) haha.. But so, Tom's mom always is like "Buy a House.. You Really Need to Buy" "Specially Now". 

Why am I pissed. Well, I have now told him 3 times before last night that he needed to tell her to .. well basically SHUT UP! He said he didn't know how and I said well be sarcastically funny. Meaning saying haha well you put up the money and we'll buy it:) Not that I would expect her to or anything like that, but thought maybe then she would finally SHUT UP. 

Okay so he's on the phone with her and I'm getting frustrated. I asked him 2 separate times to leave the room. I sat there and told him to tell her to stop just stop and he wouldn't. So I'm like leave before I freak. So he leaves to only come back in the room where I'm going WTF !?!?!?! Not once but twice. To then go back into the bathroom after I gave him this look of death. And then it's it. I'm pissed. And when I say pissed I mean PISSED!!!! So I have to pass the bathroom to go out into the garage and I scream.. YOU FUCKING PAY FOR THE DAMN HOUSE WE'LL FUCKING BUY IT! She heard something .. what I don't know. Tom said that she did ask what that was all about and I honestly can't trust what my husb says or doesn't say.

I'm just tried of it. I mean christ .. if we could afford to do it.. specially now, we would do it. But even then, that's been here sold goal if for us to buy a house. For good lords sake she wanted us to buy a frickin 600k house when we first moved here and I'm pregnant.. like really??? Come on! I'm trying to be reasonable. 

What got me tho, he didn't say anything. What I fear right now is that I am so upset that tonight if she shows up at the game and even thinks twice about saying anything about it.. well I'm not shutting my mouth this time. After so many times of asking my husband to stand up for me and he continues to just sit back and be all Mr. Nice Nice.. (wished he was more like that with me.. considering his mom and dad did what they have done to him, and the fact that I've stood right next to him for about 9 yrs now.. about the same amount of time he got from his mother.. what a GREAT:) Mom.. she's just wonderful huh.. get the sarcasm) Anyways.. can't tell I'm bitchy can ya. Well, all I know is I will say something. I already told him I'm over it .. he'll get about 10 seconds to respond and if he doesn't we'll my mouth won't stay shut. And that's not really a good thing. Specially considering my blood is already boiling. 

Then there's tomorrow. Sh*t .. not sure why I'm putting the * there considering I've been cussing all over:) But oh well haha. Anywho, tomorrow if she says anything on the way to the airport about it, I'm fricking stuck in a god damn car with her where I know I'll want to reach across and strangle her! I get that I probably have an anger issues.. oh well. What ever anyways..

Giving up

It's what I think I need right now. Might not be right. The only thing I know is that before I had started this journey I managed my life. And since then all I can do is think constantly of food and what intake I have.

The worst part of this journey for me was dealing with my pain. Mainly because others were just saying like 'suck it up' 'it happens to a lot of ppl 'get over it'. Well, I can't get over it at this point. It hurts and then anger comes out of me and I don't like that anymore. I don't like being angry. I want to laugh again.

It's stupid that with Ed I was laughing but I was. Things were just better then and I want that again. I'm tired of the fight. I'm tired of being tired...

I wished for something more. But hey I guess if there's one apparent thing I'm good for is failure. hah.

I think I'll come back and try again. It's just right now I need to walk away. (Only from my fight .. just so we understand things) The ppl that I meet I love to death! But I just need to get my energy again. I need to get that passion again.

So I've stopped taking my thyroid meds, cuz before I honestly felt better. (which is weird) And I am stopping seeing my t and doctor. One mainly because of money. I can't continue to take away money when it needs to go to other places for my family. I just can't do that anymore right now. My doctor .. well I'm starting to think she's a fruit cake hah. And the doctor that my t wanted me to see lives clear across town which is like an hour there hour back. Plus to go to someone new right now.. just not ready to say oh I do this and then smile because I'm uncomfortable saying it. Feeling like an ass.

Well, I'll still blog every once in awhile. Mainly because it might still help. Hopefully I can get to the end result that I truly want. Til then.

Will I Ever Get Things Right?!

So I get that there's this NO RIGHT WAY TO FIGHT ED.. I get that. But it's just not Ed. It's my life and how I'm living it. 

It's that I try and stick up for my kids and then when I probably should have I don't because I got told how fucked up I did it in the first place. 

For anyone that truly knows me, I am an athlete .. or haha I was. :) But I knew you never leave anyone behind. But Braydens baseball coach pissed me off. 1. Is because we have to pay for him to go out for sports, in which the City says that everyone is to get equal playing. 2. A.. biased here but he's one if not the best player on the team. So why is the coach keep having him sit out. I didn't realize it but the same 4 kids were sitting out. 

Oh but I just went up and said that I needed to grab Brayden. And when they asked why I just said well we need to go. I was trying to make it seem like we had to be somewhere by that time. But once the coach gave me this dirty look and shook his head and walked off.. nope that's when I go off. And what's funny is I thought I was going off, but Brayden said oh I couldn't even tell you were upset. So in which that makes me believe that I handled myself correctly. 

Only problem, it's not my life. It was Braydens. And now .. I mean I hate myself for it. I'm pissed at myself for it. I was trying to stand up for him and I did do it wrong. I know that. I should have just shut up and nothing. 

Then two days later, at another game (in which one mother thanked me for saying something because her kid was one of the 4 sitting out and then now he was playing hah). But this guy comes up yelling at my husband because his kid only batted once. It was just like this huge weird thing. And when the guy was upset .. I really didn't care I just kinda laughed because it wasn't me this time haha. But as soon as he turned to Tom and gave him words .. oh yep now you got me. Which I did conduct myself very well this time. I just said you are not going to talk to my husband like that.. we have nothing to do with the coach just helping with the books. THATS IT

Well, then what.. I was in trouble by my husband because 'he can handle himself'. Nice.. thanks. Whatever I guess. 

But yesterday at the grocery store and .. okay.. I play my trips to stores usually because I don't like a lot of ppl so I know when to go and when to try and stay away. But 9 in the morning is usually a good time to go. Not yesterday.. It was packed and I don't like ppl .. too many anyways it makes me go just insane.  So instead of having Zae (my 4 yr old) walk next to me, like I usually do because I tell him your 4 now you can walk. And there's no possible way of me getting him in the cart I can hardly pick him up to then even say to put him in .. I don't have the strength. 

Well, he's going from the front of the cart to when we'd stop to the back by me. Not in anyone's way. Him and I are joking back in forth we're smiling just making the best outta it. (wished I had a diagram for this but I don't.) This lady who had I would said around a 2 yr old has to say out loud but not look at me directly how BAD BOY I have. All I could think is WTF are we doing to you for you to have an opinion of anything.

The part that pisses me off the most is that he heard it. So when we got home he was sad. I tried my best to tell him she doesn't matter all that matters is what mommy thinks and mommy thought you were good. The whole time this child is looking down sadly at the floor. I finally had to say look at me. Mommy thought you were good, we had fun and we laughed.. that's all that matters. That other person she doesn't matter. 

And if you don't like that he's on the front of the cart and your trying to teach your child something.. by all means do, but you don't do it at some else cost. Specially considering he wasn't do anything that needed to be drawn out. There's a difference.. or at least in my opinion. I guess you'd rather have him running around the cart in your way and blah blah. I could criticize you for being rude and standing in front of the milk for 5 minutes while everyone was waiting. 

But I didn't say anything to her. And I wished I would have. Specially after my son waved to her kid. That's how I've told my kids, if your going to stare then you better wave and say hi. I should have stuck up for him more and I failed. 

I guess that shouldn't be surprising. 

OMGOD I'M SO FUCKING PISSED!

Okay so, to start with the down low. I first just wanting to come on to just say where I was at. And then I wanted to listen to music because it calms me. It makes me breathe and relax, when other times I would explode. Come to find out.. and I don't even know how because I haven't been on my computer in the past couple days, that my play list is just Gone. Just gone. Not only am I pissed off at the way the day went.. in that one moment when I needed something. The songs I wanted to listen to .. the one thing that would calm and make me tired.. instead I'm pissed and ready to go and it's umm. 12:14 a.m. I have a whole day before me tomorrow and now all I want to do is stay away. Which in turns hurts me and creates a bad moment. And to help things.. 1 --- WHY DO PPL KEEP CHANGING THINGS????? This frickin blogger was just fine. IT was easy to go thru and now you change it and it took me like 5 minutes to figure out how to get to this page. Which really.. after I'm already heating.. NOT A GOOD THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you get that!?!?!??!?!? Fuckers! 2... I ask Tom to help me. Which he's was sleeping, but yet he does the same ol thing... I'm up .. ya I'll help .. only to keep is happy frickin ASS in bed! Fucker! Just pisses me off!!!! Can you tell?!:) I'm just tired!!! I really am. I just .. I can't feel like I keep being there for ppl that really don't give a flapping ass about me. It's like whatever, but hey I'll take you up and blah blah. I get to be told all the time how I shouldn't of reacted this way or that way. And there are definitely times that I wished I wouldn't of acted the way I did. The problem is .. no one gets me. No one says, ya I understand. Instead it's like ya but.. BUT. BUT can't you just ONCE .. just ONCE say I have you. I got you! I'm just going to laugh or smile because I might not have done the same thing but it's .. it just is. Now what are you thinking of doing or not doing?! I don't always need ppl to sit there and tell me What I should or should not do. Sometimes I just bitch to bitch. If you don't like it .. well then tell me and I'll make sure I don't. Otherwise I need that outlet so I don't act like a frickin fool!! But if I talk with you then please.. just please don't.. stop .. I don't need it. I don't know how to .. Guess the way that others might see me is I just suck.. so I don't know how to. One thing that gets me most, is my anger, it really isn't anger. It's hurt and sadness .. You all know that I have cats, and I think of myself sometimes of having their eyes. That drappy look. Or at least thats what I call it. But the look of just is if I'm wrong again? Me tho, I have this fight in me. I'd like to believe it's because I'm Irish:) But how that comes into play.. IDK hehe. But I won't back down. I will go .. with everything I have. And I don't seem to EVER do it right. I am always wrong. I just think tho that I am defending myself in someway or another. I'm fighting for me. Or I'm fighting for my family. Tom has pissed me off. The ones that know what I had to go thru back in Nov. And even more when I stick up for him, and then for him to be upset because he's 'Man' and can stick up for himself. WELL.. DO IT. But I for one will not be associated with someone who allows them to be treated that way. IDK.. ?!?! But I just don't like that association. It's like it's all happening again. And apparently I am just being a whinny bitch. So .. what .. what can I say .. these are my feelings and I get to own them. Feel what you want. It probably would affect me if you told me but I will stand by that these ARE my feelings. I get to own that.

?

So last night Brayden had his second baseball game.

Trying to keep all the points of it out, well I mean he played 2 innings and sat out for the last 2. Which he did for the same first game. I have to pay $$$$ for him to even be in the sport. Well guess what if you were going to tell me that I would pay and he was going to sit on the bench then I would have just said Forget It!

But Ed.. this is where my Ed does things .. says things.. He's not going to just sit by and do nothing. So I basically go grab Brayden. Well I asked him if he wanted to G to the O (Go) and he said yes. And the thing about it is I'm totally sport type of person that you Never leave your team. But I was pissed at the coach. Not just because Brayden was 'sitting' out but because it's the same kids and someone needed to put him in his place.

The supposed 'men' down here think that they control everything. And I'm prurty sure my Ed isn't going to let you control fucking anything!!!

Now am I proud of it. NO=/ Now I have to make things better for Brayden. I screwed things up for him and that wasn't my intent. He thankfully isn't upset but I am.

I don't know what to do anymore. I react with emotions to then be told to not react with emotions to then go to therapy to be told I need to get these emotions out. Fucking lost!

And then my mom was like have you done your anger management class? Yes I did. You really think 1 flipping class is going to get my emotions out enough that I'm not MAD????? And how do you not even see why I'm pissed? She has no clue. No responsibility right? I mean I'm a grown adult now so she's not responsibly for the crap she put me thru.

All I can do is shake my head.

Then she asked if I had been drinking. If I could have bitched slapped her I would have! Thanks again for just thinking shit of me. Thanks again for putting me into that hole that I was stuck in for my life. I get it. I know .. I fucking get it. You apparently don't like me and .. fine .. I get it..

I just don't know why I care anymore