Ak!

Well, .. hah.. well..

I made it about 2 months not purging. And really not by choice. Ed was constantly there. Specially in the harder times. The worst part was that is if I could have I would have purged way before then, but I just couldn't do it. Not sure why, I've never had that problem before but things have changed. And to further go into that they still are different. I can't purge like I had and it's so frustrating.

So, tomorrow I'll go back onto my diet .. again. I just wished I could be like 'normal'. That it wouldn't matter what I ate or didn't eat and that it wouldn't affect my body so much either. That would be a nice change.

I get really pissy too with the whole food situation. It just makes me mad that again I lost control. I have no control over anything it feels. And once I get some control some way or another it gets ripped away from me. Which then just makes me feel like I failed in another way.

And I'm sick of ppl saying that I'm a like 'downer'. I shouldn't say ppl, I know who has and what not, but to say that I'm all dark and what not.. well sorry that I'm not going to play off that my world is wonderful. I can't stand when someone is such a hypocrite that they can complain about situations they are in but once I complain about mine I'm depressed and blah blah. Well, ya maybe I am, I don't know I haven't been diagnosed with that but seriously who are you to judge me??!! Just over that! I can be pissy if I frickin want to!!

Welp, tomorrow is going to be a fight. I know what's going to be going thru my head and what I truely need to do. It's hard to have that constant arguement throughout the day. I get tired and just plain exhausted from it. I want for it to be over.

At this point I look at ppl and I envy them. Not necessarily on their body but just that they seem happy with themselves no matter what shape size hair color short tall, they have something within them that I desperately am seeking.

Maybe some day?!