So I'm in a good mood, but yet I'm pretty sure that's because I'm tired. Mainly because when I'm tired I'm a little loopy that I just don't give a damn.
I haven't gotten to understand my Ed. Well I mean Ed to everyone it is Ed, but just a different Ed at the same time, or at least I think so ?!?! I say this because mine LOVES to buy food, to cook food, to imagine what it looks like but then will refuse myself to eat it. It's like the whole saying a kid in the candy store. Which is pretty funny considering I will allow myself to eat candy. I mean heaven forbid I have some chicken, but candy .. your good!
My biggest problem is shopping. I don't know if it's because I really don't go to the mall or to a other store other then groceries. Or if it is just because Ed takes me there. I have no clue. But when I buy food or it's ridiculous. I have so much food and well sometimes it gets eaten other times I'm just throwing it away and then I'm mad at myself for buying it. Plus, when I'm trying to fight Ed I buy the food that I think will be more of my safety foods, which then are more expensive, and long and behold I end up throwing that out because I go back to the way I am. It just sucks
The reason why I'm talking about this all right now is because I just .. well last week I just signed up for this delivery of food. One I was taking a nap but then I heard the guy talking to Tom about food and I was like OH, and then it's all this food that is freshly made the day before, so then I freak and buy buy buy!!!! It takes a day for it to come and it's in the nighttime (hint why I'm tired) but I'm putting things away and I'm like just happy, yet I know I won't touch it. And why? Like if I'm not going to eat anyways why do I keep buying food.. just frustrated. And why can't I just eat some and be okay?! I took a bit of the kids breakfast yesterday and then had to spit it out. Not because I didn't like the taste but because I didn't want it in me. It's becoming crazy that I don't like either!
On another subject.
Today, as of now if it works out.. I get to meet another person that has been fighting. This will be my first time meeting someone that also has Ed or had Ed rather. My thoughts are really positive too. I just have a feeling like to smile and not for it to be fake. Now I do worry about the conversations:) haha, only because usually they've dealt with Ed and it'll be in a busy place that it's not a place I would like to discuss it so haha. But I'm really looking forward to it. It's like a next step for me. Because I haven't gone to group meetings other then online and I haven't gone into treatment, that maybe this says something .. Idk.. guess we'll see.
Another positive in 6 days I'm on VACA:) WOOHOO!!!!! I really hope that the time away and being or at least trying to relax will help me come to grips. Hoping!
Well done for now:)
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