In a hole

That's how I feel.. stuck in a hole.

Yay.. I gained weight.. so happy.. blah blah blah!

Right now I am just constantly tired and I don't want to eat, but I end up having to. (stupid meds!) And it's not like their helping that much.. guess they are keeping me alive or something like that.

I still can't purge. Or rather I've finally done so and it was the hardest I had to work and it sucked and I just didn't like it. Made me really sad to be honest. Doesn't mean I still haven't tried.. but I just give up on it. Which also bothers me because I failed.

Just if I could do one thing right. I was doing one thing right and it got taken .. ripped right away from me. And again now I'm a failure. Guess it's just what I am. Is what it is.

So here I am now, trying to figure out the next step. Which way to go and I'm really just torn. The one way I can guarantee I'll gain more weight but there's a chance I could really be happy. I could feel like 'me' again. It's just that way scares me to death. The other direction well leaves me where I am. Constantly having to go to the Dr. and hating every moment of it. But with that I look in the mirror and feel good. (not now but then) So I don't know where I'll go. If I'll go anywhere.