What Else ??

So I'm going to have to go to the doctors and I really don't want to but there's kind of no choice now. And I don't want to go to the one that I had been seeing just because they seem a bit .. umm.. well I'm used to the doctors back home that actually seem to care about your well being instead of just having another patient. Then it sucks because I have to explain everything all over again. It's so much fun.. tell ya to have them look at you and be like a okay .. sure.

Well here's the issue. The other morning I decided because I had been restricting that I would have an ensure. I had been awake since 3 a.m. and so a quarter to 5 a.m. I thought drink an ensure and go to bed then you wouldn't even know you had it you could pretend it was a dream. But at least I would have something in me. That's what I did, only problem is I got really sick. I felt like crap the whole day really. Then later on .. mid afternoon I went to the bathroom and noticed in the mirror that my stomach was like huge looking like I was 3 or 4 months pregnant. So I panic thinking omg. I had Tom pick up a pregnancy test just in case and it was negative so that was good but then it was like why is my stomach so far out !? Tom thought I was bloated because I just had my period. Well the next day we go to the store and get some over the counter meds and he thought I should get laxatives as well. I tell you I have never in my life taken a laxative and I don't understand how ppl can. It .. just that is not right. But I guess purging some ppl see it the same way.

The bloating didn't go away and it wasn't until the next day that I felt a harder spot and it was sensitive. I was putting away groceries and hit the counter top and I was just like omgosh ouch! So when Tom got home I showed him and he wanted to take me to the doctors, but I had other plans that I just couldn't go. (didn't want to go and praying that it would just go away) But now it hasn't and I'm going to have to go in. Tom thinks its a hernia. I really hope that it's not. Ed is freaking out I'm freaking out. I'm not sure how I'm going to live or if ..

Just sucks because if it is a hernia, I mean it could be many reasons of stress but it also could be because of Ed. The problem for me is that I wanted the option for once. I wanted to decide and not have someone tell me what to do, how to do it, why to do it. I wanted it! But it's looking like once again all the power is taken from me and it just makes me more upset then before.

I would like to say it's not fair, but I know how most ppl consider the 'it's not fair' phrase and actually judge right away going well we had this or that. It's more of them saying suck it up already.

When it came to my brothers and sister the other night I guess maybe I should have said what happened if you were just told right now you don't have a job, Deal With It! I'm sure they wouldn't of liked that.

Well, it is what it is. I can't do anything right now about it. Try to get into the doctors and go from there. Hopefully it is just an overreaction. That's what I'm praying for. As for now it's just going to be having ensures because that's all I can handle.