My Lover

Hello Ed, 

My lover, My supporter, My everything. The only one who I know I can lean on. 


That's how I feel. Specially now! 


Why is it the ones that you feel like you could fall on always do something or push you away. The ones that you thought that would stand by you just fall down telling you that YOUR THE PROBLEM. 


Maybe I am the problem!? 


IDK anymore! All I can think anymore is that I am the common factor in the equation. Everything that seems to be upsetting, well I'm the cause of it. I know this sounds like a pity party for me and that's truly not what I'm looking for. I'm just saying that maybe I'm the problem. And that's hard to 'try' to understand. Specially when your trying to convince yourself and Ed that your worth it. 


Ed takes every mistake and says that I should have done it this way or that way and why did you do that.. your stupid! If you would have only done this. 


And to fight Ed, GOD DAMN IT'S HARD!!!!!! For anyone who doesn't know it's so trying .. it's a constant argument. Eventho I have taken a 'break' It sure doesn't feel like it. I still think about it. I still don't sleep. I still look at food the way that I had learned over the past year. I am fearing summer because I have less energy then last year. Then I have to weigh myself which there again just makes me more anxious. 


Biggest problem is .. Ed has always been my BIGGEST supporter. Might not be the Right supporter, but he's always been the one inside of me saying that I am something. It seems everyone else finds something wrong with me. And when they find that 'what is wrong with me' they used and abuse it. Then I come out screaming and scratching. Or maybe Ed does. Idk. Just wished for something that I thought I should have. 


Guess I need to learn to handle with the cards that I was dealt. Unfortunately my hand sucks like hell!