What a Weekend!

Well went home and at first I was excited to see everyone. Specially considering all but my two brothers knew about it. I was nervous to eat, because I had a feeling that they were going to be watching my every move. Which guess they did. But obviously I ate because I gained 6lbs. But no, of course that's not good enough.

When they confronted me about Ed they had some questions and I was like okay I can do this no problem. It really wasn't all that bad. But it would be like I was trying to word my questions in a way that a person who doesn't understand Ed would understand it. My one brother told me I look like shit and I just laughed and said a.. ya that doesn't help. Another brother was like just eat. Again that isn't that simple. It's like I can't get thru to them and they are just like you get to control your life you get to decide. Meaning decide whether or not to live or die.

I was surprised how supportive my mom was tho. Which was a bit unusual. My sister said that I went and purged a sandwich that I ate (which my mom had already asked me and I told her no) but no one was going to believe me until my mom said no she already told me. But it's like okay the bathroom is not only used for one thing in my life.. sometimes I actually use the toilet to go # 1 or 2. Specially considering how much I was eating there. What was kind of funny to me, she was like there was this book on Dr. Phil and I was like ya I know Jenni Schaefer. I'm like got the book .. read it. Trying to use the tools that she talks about. But then my mom still writes it down on a note. So, Idk if she believed me or was just making sure just in case. Oh well not sometimes I'm worried about:)

Then it sucked because the second night my sister got into it with me. She's very pushy about me going into treatment .. and it's just not going to happen. She's telling me things are not working obviously with my team. Well, that's my decision to make. I kind of figure that if I do look like 'shit' it's because I'm working thru all my emotions. Oh and when I told my family that I'm working thru things, I had some of them say just get over it. Move on. Cuz you are the ones with the degrees or know anything about Ed. Got it. But back to my sister and my convo. I started to get like heated up and so when I do that now I just have to remove myself from the situation. It's been whats best for me. It's not saying I can't come back to the convo later or the next day, just it has to end right there and now cause I can't go forward. Well she got pissed and left. My sister-in-law went after her and after awhile I went outside. I apologized that I had to remove myself and that if I said anything that hurt her but it's me.

This is what I find hypocritical. After I thought that things were smooth I asked for a hug and she said she wouldn't give me a hug cause she's not fake like that. I was to say the least shocked. I asked to hug my sister because I loved her. Not to say that it was fake, but I guess whatever. I like how it was okay for her to say that she wouldn't give me a hug, but I can't decide to leave a situation that I felt was about to get out of hand !? Guess your choices are more important and what not then mine are for myself.

Now I'm just wondering how I am going to let all this effect me. Or where my relationship with my family will continue. How much I am willing to trust it again.