Will Power

So this won't be so great of a blog.. might be triggering I'm not sure.

When I think of will power, I think how I can stay with Ed. Not how I can refuse to seek Ed. And when I mess up it's really frustrating.

To say the least I'm really frustrated.

I've lived my life a certain way for years.. years and years and years.. and here now I can't live that way. I can't get over that. I don't know how to. I am not sure how to take something that was such a part of my life and the way I lived and just be okay with it not being that way anymore.

It just annoys me .. more and more .. all I can think about is that if Tom would have let things be the way things were everything wouldn't be going the way they are. I would be living my life the way I had and I wouldn't have all these problems that are coming up. And yes, could I be wrong, probably, but it just amazes me that as soon as I let him talk me into it everything started coming about. Left and Right.. Spinning my head around and around. I'm lost!

There are just times that I wish I was better. I mean I'm now well still in the normal weight range but nothing even close to what I want to be. And I don't know how to get back to that cause I can't act out like I had. I try to eat 'healthy' but that only lasts so long and only gets me so far. I just feel like it's a losing battle.

Thought I was stronger then this:/