So...

Well, lately I've just been sad. I've been upset that I can't really act out. I have nothing. I'm alone.

I've been wanting to cry for some time now. I mean I have cried but I really just wanted to cry my eyes out. The only thing was, I wanted my husband to like hold me and tell me that everything would be okay and it would be alright. That didn't happen. :/

I have to go get blood work done tomorrow and I'm thinking of canceling it .. I don't know what I want to do. I know I don't want to eat today but I will have to. Stupid medicine!

Then I have my Dr. appt. next week and I'll end up being honest. Mainly because I'm stupid and I just fess up lately. I don't deny things or lie. Also because I don't want ppl lying to me so then I figure if I don't lie they won't. (don't ask me why I figure that.. wouldn't be able to give a good answer).

My Dr. as far as I know doesn't know of my ED. The Dr. that sent me to him I did tell the first one and he sent everything but whether or not they really listened to me when I said I had Ed for the last 18 yrs. now that's another case. So, I might have to come out about it all and I'm really not in the mood to look at someone and tell them that I'm messed up. That I fucked up.. that I am a fuck up. Just don't need it right now. Or really ever.

So well whatever. I'm still having to eat. I'm still gaining weigh. I really just hate myself and I'm not sure what to do about that. Everyone tells me that I'm a horrible mom because I don't fight harder for my kids because I would die. And that just sucks. Just keep telling me I am failing yep.. that's helping.

Oh well.. :(