Thanksgiving

What can I say. I frickin hate and love turkey all at the same time:) So I didn't stay true to my diet. I made my gravy, had my potatoes, and stuffing. .. didn't care about the low sodium. Now does that mean in the back of my head I wasn't planning on what I always had every other yr. which is to just go purge. Oh ya. That's what I wanted. Unfortunately, my body.. not so much. Which just frustrates and aggravates me even more. It was a nice Thanksgiving tho. It was just Tom, me and the boys. I was able to cook in my small kitchen without being bothered and got everything done at the same time to be able to sit down together and enjoy a nice lunch together. I guess I should take that more then I should the fact that I'm just gaining weight. So Christmas doesn't have me looking forward to it to say the truth. The only thing is that I know that I can't do what I did for Thanksgiving.

And it's not something I'm looking forward to anyways as it is, mainly because I have to go to my in-laws because everyone is going to be there. But I am planning on having my food that I'm supposed to have on my diet to take with to eat. I gotta be true this time, because I know that I can't purge anymore and it's useless trying. So ya.

It's frustrating after 18 yrs for some reason my body just won't let me purge. And it hurts to bad for me to push it too far. I try hard and I fail and that's aggravating. But when it comes down to it. When I stay to my meal plan I actually do better. I feel better and I lose weight. It's when I go off it thinking that I can just purge afterwards or if I starve myself that things don't turn out the way I would like. Well, at least not what I was used to. I guess I just wished I could be like 'normal'. Be one of those ppl that could just sit down and eat and feel okay about it. That it's not going to make me look disguising.  Guess there is a lot more that I have to deal with to accept who I am and be okay with who I am, even if that means others might not like it. It's who I am.

Now, Can I be wrong in my actions .. ya. And would I like someone to at least nicely say Trina.. come on:) .. and then I could at least be like I know.. ahh! But I don't want to be like treated because of one action that it was so horrible. Mainly because those who might be correcting me.. it's like hello. I know what you did.. where do you get off now acting like you never did that and that your somehow 'perfect'. That's like for my oldest per-say... I'm not even sure how he got so smart. It amazes me. I mean I know I was helping him when he was younger and teaching him to remember, but still.. he just amazes me. And when I get after him for his grades I tell him, you know I didn't get these grades when I was younger, and that I'm not trying to be mean but that I see what he has in him and that I know he can do it and I believe in him. I've always told him, that if he gets like a B.. yes a B:) but as long as he can prove that he tried, then I will gladly accept that. Even a C. (even though I don't think he should get C's. but ya.) In sports, if he played poorly.. I'm not going to lie, I'll tell him flat out he had a bad game. Not like I hadn't had those. But I'm not going to act like he did really good when he didn't. Okay I'm going off on a tangent here..:)

Anyways. With Ed. Thanksgiving sucked! But when it comes to what I felt yesterday sitting at the table with my husband and three boys and laughing .. it's starting to take a priority. Which is a BIG step for me. Can't say that it doesn't hurt that my boys love my cooking and they were happy we just stayed home and I cooked because "It tasted So good" .. that helped a bit lol.

It's taking me awhile.. and I figure it's going to take me a bit while longer. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I can accept being happy with what I have instead of constantly worrying about what food to eat and how much and what I'll look like .. blah blah blah.

One foot in front of the other right?