UpDate

So would I like to come on and say that I chose to start it up again.. Ya not happening. Sorry.

I know a few ppl are well worried, maybe a bit disappointed for my decision, but I get to own my decision. Maybe Ed made it for me more then I made it for me, but I get to own it.

I have felt overwhelmed, and lately I feel a bit less stressed. I don't feel so angry. That doesn't change what has happened tho. I don't really want to go in deep about it, I want to reach out, but then I don't. I don't want to hurt someone that I love.

The worst part right now is that I absolutely HATE food. It doesn't taste good at all. I'll have a bite of something and it's like omg that taste like sh*t.

I did do something somewhat positive yesterday. We went to the mall and shopped (for me.. of course.. that's the make up time:) .. I'm not refusing buying myself things tho haha) But we went to a restaurant and I asked to just somewhat share a meal. So I had about a quarter of a hamburger with a couple fries  and guess what =) Didn't purge when we got home. So my body got something.

Is that weird that I think like that? It's like I feel like if it was child and my parents letting me stay up another 30 minutes. That's how I play it in my head though. Anytime that I do purge and if it's hard it's like then become a battle that then Ed NEEDS to Win. And that it's like a tug away but hey Ed is going to win, don't be foolish. One way or another, Ed wins.

I'm starting to think that it's Me that wants to win, not Ed. Eventho it's Ed's voice it's Me that wants to win. It's the one that says I am Good enough, I am Strong enough, I am Something worthwhile. I'm something .. I'm not garbage I have feelings and you know it's okay for me to feel the way that I feel. I get to own it, and SHUT UP and let me be ME! I'm not perfect, and yet I'm perfect.

I'm perfect because God gave me what he gave me. Just problem excepting me because others do not. Or basically tell me that I am nothing. It's hard to fight with everyone. It gets to be overwhelming. Heartbreaking. Hurtful. Obviously we all know I'm sad:) Desperately wanting to be happy.. soo.. ahh..

Well, My favorite hateful saying. It is what it is. Gotta 'man up' and deal with it. Just hope that God has a greater plan for me then what I'm seeing.