Out of Contol

So the past couple months have been crazy for me. One health wise.. not sure how much Ed has to deal with it but it's obvious that you would think he had something to do with it. And then just two the fact that I've had to change everything all around that it's making me go crazy!

It's been .. lemme count.. 44 days since I purged. Should be shouting from the mountain tops right??! It doesn't feel good tho.. not for me. I can't purge. I have no control over it. And I guess that's what frustrates me more then anything. I don't have the chose, I'm not the one making the chose, instead once again like most things it's been made for me and I'm just to oblige.

And to be okay with that.. well I'm not. I hate it.. I desperately hate it!

Then on top of it just to have ppl constantly ask about how I'm feeling and what I've found out from the doctors .. blah blah blah. I just don't care right now. Like stop asking!!! You didn't freakin care before why do you act like you do now??

Well, anyways, one thing that has been taking from me is what I can and well should not eat. Here when I was trying to do 'good' on my terms of eating well most of that food, I can't eat. Or shouldn't eat anyways, due to my medical reasoning. And the food that I'm allowed to eat just takes gross that I end up eating candy:) haha. Go figure, I limited my candy intake when I was trying to eat healthier, and now that I have to eat low sodium.. well what candy I eat doesn't have sodium so bottems up. Better then half the sh*t that I try to eat.

And it doesn't help that when I do try to stick to the plan of eating what I'm supposed to to keep all my levels or really get my levels to a place the doctors want I end up gaining more weight. And have more problems.. So why would I want to do that???

Idk I'm just pissie right now. Big time!

What I hate the most is that when I took on this responsibility to try and overcome Ed, I wanted it on my terms. I wanted to feel like I accomplished it. I did it. But now once again, just like it seems like everything else, some one some how or another is telling me and I'm forced into doing it their way. Just tired of not being able to have an opinion that is actually taken serious.

If that makes sense for some of you.. I know others will completely understand.