4th of July

(just so anyone who would read this knows I actually did try to post it yesterday morning but the damn computer wouldn't scroll down or up so I could hit publish and I just said f*ck it:) )

I would add a pic but I'm on my sons computer:) haha...

The 4th is one of my favorite days.. Not so much this time around tho :/

Over the last year I've gone thru so much. Some of you know some of you don't. I've had a lot of trials that here I thought I only dealt with with my mother..

Growing up my mom said and hurt me a lot. I always hated her for it, still kinda do, but I also have some way or reason over came it all. (well not all, but at least I know how to handle her now.. the distance might have been a help as well) anyways..

Today is almost sad for me. I've been sad for awhile now. I cry a lot. I don't mind crying either, well I usually do it by myself so I don't mind to cry I don't find it weak or being a baby. But like I said I cry a lot by myself. Now when I'm in an argument or fight no way in hell do you get to see tears .. just not gonna happen. I keep going off on a tangent here because there is so much in my head I can't get it all out and this computer SUCKS!:) HAHAHA

But this day 9 yrs ago I stood on a hillside with my husband. We were only dating at that time, but I had never been to a firework show before. And it was the most beautiful calming thing I had ever seen before in my life. I fell in love with him that night. It's kinda hard to describe how I felt, but it was at that moment that I fell for him.

After this last year today is sad because I don't know what I need to do. I get hurt not only by my doings but by others, and I don't know if I need to walk away from them as well or if just getting thru Ed will get me into a better place with these ppl.

All I know is 1. I do want my marriage to work. I do want the love and respect that I think should be given. 2. I don't want to die this way. And 3. Once you get into my life.. truly get into my life, it's REALLY hard for me to let you go. I believe into trying every which way to work it.

So pray for me today. I know I'm going to cry. Funny how I feel so weak and whatnot but yet I still have the energy and the tears to come.

Happy 4th tho. I hope you all enjoy it!