Happiness

Why can't I find it? Why can't I just be happy with what I have in life?

It's honestly hard to see others that go threw hardship and come out stronger then ever and are happy. And it's not like that I wish hardship on them, it's more of like they had it harder then I did.. do. But here I am. Stuck in a spot that I can't figure out if I care to get out of.

I just cry all the time. I'm so upset all the time. I don't like it. I hate it to be truthful. I want to be a mother that my kids like and I think if I'm doing anything is making their life worse. And maybe that's why I don't care if I leave this world. At least the good thing is that because of my religion I won't ever actually take my own life, but I guess I am taking my own life, just in a different type of way.

It's hard to look back and think when I had the boys. How great it felt when they were born, how I thought I would never let anything bad happen to them, but now .. it's not that I wouldn't want to not let anything bad happen, but in a way I am. I'm the bad. It's not like that I abuse them or anything, I just am taking away their happiness. Or at least that's how I feel. I am just so sad.

I know that I'm the only one that is to fight for me, I just wished there was one person that would fight for me and it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. To walk away from that is becoming more real but it doesn't make it any easier. And eventho I might end up being able to take care of the kids more, I do wonder how closer I will grow with ed. Considering that's all I'll have.

Hah, a bit of an off subject. When I do think of happiness this is one of my somewhat recent moments. Last summer I went back home. And to try to help my mom and just kind of be the daughter that she always said I wasn't. I made sure to cook dinners for the what.. 30 of us in total:) One day most of the fam was out and it was just my sister-in-law and then all the kids with us both, so let me think that's 11 of them. I do like to cook so I will say that. So I grilled up hamburgers and hot dogs, and some chicken. Nothing big or anything, but my parents grill is a lot different then mine. Anyways. After it cooled down my mom had come home and so I was asking her a question about it because I was trying to clean it up for the next time it was used. She went off on me about cooking up all this stuff. Which didn't make much sense considering 1. I bought the food. 2. I cooked it. and 3. I'm cleaning up .. not expecting her to do anything. Well, I got pissed. And usually when I say pissed it's actually I'm sad and hurt. So I slammed the door went and grabbed a beer and went out into the tall grass to sit in the sun.

Now, when I say tall grass I mean tall. Tom came looking for me and I could see him but I wouldn't say anything. I sat there and cried and drank my beer. But here's the kicker. For once I felt calm and just relaxed and happy. Sitting in the dirt/grass in the summer heat. I actually felt .. well the like 'just be'. I almost can't find the words for how wonderful it felt. Eventho I was crying. I want one of those moments again. Maybe without the crying haha. But I just want to Just Be. Just to take in the silence .. hear the birds, feel the breeze going thru, looking at the clouds.

Oh I'm going to have to try again. I'll probably wait til Monday because that's how I roll:) haha.. I have to make myself laugh every once in awhile. It's just scary to think of doing it again. But I'll pick myself up and try try again.