Triggers

Learning my triggers are hard. When I first came onto EDA everyone was talking about triggers. Like that was a new word for me. I felt a bit ignorant that I didn't know. (and just so we know I actually don't mind the word ignorant I don't find it negative hah).

So, the protocol was no numbers, don't mention food, a .. what else.. oh the behaviors that you might have acted out on. I'm sure there's more but I was like a.. okay. Now you could personally message and say whatever your weight was or what not. That never bothered me. I don't know why. And it really still doesn't. I'm not in a competition with others on what they way, or at least my Ed isn't. Which I guess is a good thing!? My Ed is in a competition with myself. Always has been.

I will say that when I see a pregnant person, I always wished I looked as cute as they do. I always just got mainly round like a tire. Christ with my oldest my professor came up in front of the entire class to say oh Ms. Foley I can finally tell your pregnant. I was 8 months along. Like I don't know how you couldn't tell I couldn't even see my feet at that time. But hey thanks for just thinking I looked fat the whole time.. nice. And I just have to laugh about it now.

And with calories, I don't know how you ppl do it. I try and I suck. That takes so much time and effort and I estimate just so then I have an idea but I'm pretty sure I'm off. And the ppl that can have seriously just a bit of cals a day, the amount of cals I have I'm like blown away because I think it's not much but then I look at them and I'm going holy cow (no pun intended) but how in the world are you still operating?!? It just shocks me as well as it doesn't many others.

I can sit down with people and have them eat a 'normal' meal, it won't bother me. Mainly because my kids eat like horses and they.. well it goes right threw them. Not sure how that works for them, wished it would for me. But I can go out to eat and not worry. I'll just get something and pretty much snack on it here and there and I'm not worried about what others say about it or not. I am a picky eater, always had been. My friends growing up were surprised when in 8th grade it was my first time eating a cheeseburger. They couldn't believe it. But they grew to know that I wouldn't eat certain things. I was very limited on what I would or would not eat. At that point too it really didn't have anything to do with Ed, it was just more of what I liked and didn't like. Sometimes that's why it's so hard now to eat, because I try to make a schedule but I only like certain things.

Alright the whole point of my triggers. I found one last night. I have for the last 3 days had a hard time when it comes around 7 to 8 with Ed thoughts. So last night I get my snack and I held off until about 7:45, figuring that it would calm me down and I would be fine and go to bed shortly after Brayd left. I eat my snack and shortly after Tom makes food. It was like for over an hour and half I'm arguing in my head and it really wouldn't have triggered me if he didn't come sit down right next to me. So then it was like that's a sign do it. So I ate more just go purge. No purpose at all.

Except it puts me in a spiral.. so today is gone. But I did make a promise to myself that tomorrow I will start again. That I have to. I'll give today but tomorrow it's starts over. I figure that's the only way I can push myself thru things. Might not make sense to some, but it does to me.

You know everyone has a different recovery, and I do desperately hope that this works for me. So ..

Well so what I learned, is that next time, I have to sit there and work myself thru it. I have to look back on what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. And that I have the strength to go thru it. It might take awhile for me to understand my triggers, but in a way it is nice to finally recognize them so then I know how to handle it. Or eventually learn how to overcome it.

Eventho I gave it, I am optimistic of the outcome of it. That there is a positive in this negative. And if anyone knows me .. I'm not an optimistic person:) haha. So change is happening. Slowly but surely.