Decisions

I'm almost at the point where I want someone to take over for me. I'm obviously not capable of making the correct ones. It's just like as soon as I make a decision something back fires on me and then I'm in more a distraught mind set then I was before and I can't let it go.

So, not only is my eye black and blue .. incredibly so. And I'm refusing to go outside to have someone see me. Who gets in a fight with a toilet.. Me that's who. I'm apparently horrible at it too! haha. Well, I have been getting headaches after I do something, like clean and then I'll have to lay down and I've just been trying to get as much rest, putting ice and heat on my eye hoping that by Thursday it doesn't look so bad. I really don't need to draw ANY attention to myself. But so what I was getting at was I found out the other day that my whole family is gathering and then yesterday my brother calls to tell me he'll fly us up to be there. Obviously Tom would not be apart of the conversation that my family would have together, but even then Tom can't make it because of work. And then too I was just confused. I don't want hand outs and I appreciate the fact that he would offer this and I want to go home at the same time. But nothing is set in stone either so I have no idea what's going on. I just feel guilty, but I want to see my family. It could be the last time I see my dad.

Well, I cried and talked with Tom, then thought you know I'm going to call my mom. She did say she would like to see me but that she really didn't think that anything from this meeting was going to settle anything and that there probably would be another .. to just wait for that. She made me feel more comfortable with the choice I made that I would not go back and just either be on speaker phone or skype to be apart of the convo. Then I call my brother and he's like pretty much saying no I need to come. Talked with my sister and she did say I could skype but that she thought I should be there as well. Now that just puts everything up in the air.

I'm not sure if something will happen like it did last summer and I get into an argument and right now without Tom being there I don't know if I could handle that. I really am an emotion wreck right now. (might be an understatement hah)

I know if I went back I would get to see Brayd, but he'll also be home soon .. it would only be another couple days. And then I just think about being home and getting thoughts out, walking around with no one around and just feeling free again.

Oh and then to top things off, ahh.. my mother-in-law stops by last night and Tom opens the door. I had no where to go. We had been talking about me going and so I'm sitting there going OH SH*T. I mean really no one buys this story of the toilet, and trust me if I had a different story it would come out. It's gotta be the stupidest thing that I could do to give myself a black eye. I mean seriously. It sounds like a lie to me.. only problem is it's not:( So then I have to explain to her what happened and then she's like well I came over to see if you wanted to go over to her other sons house to see the baby. And I just said I would love to but I really don't want to be seen like this. So now I wonder what stories I'll here next on how I probably got hit by Tom and that I deserved that too. Just not in the mood anymore. OOo.. tho:) heheh. My devious side hahaha. While she was here I threw in some dags about how I'm done with the drama I don't need ppl talking behind my back and saying things that just are not true. Ah and there was one more line I said but I can't think of it off hand anymore. I will as soon as I'm done here of course but ya I just was happy that I took that opportunity to call her out.

Okay, well, I will know by tomorrow what I'm going to do. If I do go home pray for me:) My kids will love it.. I know that much which just makes the decision even harder. They get to see all the cousins and then they just love being in the small town playing. They get to run wherever and they no that:p And then on Thursday we go out to Cali. I am hoping I won't have to cut that short, which I might if I have to fly out on Monday. Gosh .. just so much going thru my head! I hate it! Til next time.