Still here

I find it funny how ppl think that an eating disorder means that you are trying to be skinny. 

I guess maybe for some it is. For me, it's the only thing that I seem to control. It's the only thing that I know that I can feel strong about and be able to have that voice in. 

Now, does that mean I don't want to be skinny. No not necessarily. I mean I definitely don't want to be fat. That does scare me, but I also believe in the beginning it started because it was the ONLY thing that I could control. Because really I never was fat nor was I skinny. But I still always purged. It didn't matter. And there were times that I would allow myself to eat. That's why I say that it's so much More then just being 'skinny'.  

When I did start I know I was looking for a way to look better, but it changed fast on my outlook. It's really kinda hard to explain. I wasn't looking to be like a model or something like that, I was just looking to make sure that I didn't become over weight. 

Now, I know deep down that I should gain weight but I actually like who I am at this point.. which then makes it hard.  Eventho I said I was taking a break, I think that's not really true. It's not like I'm not thinking about things. I'm constantly thinking of food and what I should eat and blah blah blah. I've actually gained weight. (which I'm hoping is just because I got my period and just the stress of everything going on) 


I now realized that as soon as I chose to fight Ed back almost a yr ago, just about it'll be another 3 days and it'll be exactly a yr that I've done anything about it. Well, since then, I realized that it's with me. I'm constantly thinking about it. Where as before I just went thru things blind. Just walked. 


Only problem now is that I really HATE food! It's taken such control over me and I can't stand that. It pisses me off. I mean I should have to worry about something else, not food. 


I guess what I'm trying to get at for the most part, is that it's really not about the eating and making sure that we are as tinny as possible. Or whatever it is. It's more about the comfort and control of something. When everything else is ripped away and the Only thing is knowing that you put what goes in or out of your mouth.. that's what it is. 


I think that's why I like to shop. Well not actually like at the mall (cuz there's too many ppl that would have opinions ya know?!) But instead I do it over the internet. And I love it because I see something I like.. that me.. I like. I don't have to ask for opinions I just know that I love it. Now does that make it mean that it would look good on me.. no necessarily .. but I like it and that's all that matters. Instead of being out in public and having someone go ahh.. sure. 

I think that's why I'm home bound. I'm usually by myself and I get to learn how to love myself. I'm proud of me. And I love me. Sucks going out and having someone tell you your not who you think you are. That's when Ed steps in. 


Okay now I'm going all over the place:) 


I know I'm going to start to fight again, put it that way. I know it. I feel it. And I'm scared! I have so many emotions and feelings going thru me that I ... I don't know how to address them. I'm kinda mad because I wished that long long LONG time ago I never would have chosen this route. I have so much going on. Not just with me but with my husband and with the kids and just the hurt. I'm tired of it all!


Well, fuck! haha. We'll see ..