Thursday COME FASTER!

So like I mentioned Thursday going on Vaca. Probably not a right choice when it comes to money, but how I feel right now I desperately need it! I just feel like getting away from life right now will help. Not just with Ed, but with my marriage and my kids. There's something about children when they laugh and smile about something so small that just warms your heart. It's just like going back to a time where I actually was happy and I need that. I'm being selfish but hey they will have fun too:)

I just can't find a reason right now to get myself on track. You would think having a family that you would fight harder. And the hypocrisy part is that if someone were to try to hurt my children I would KILL THEM!!!!!!! And yet isn't that what I'm doing, I'm hurting them and I just kind of don't care. Ed has me so convinced that I'm better this way then I would be that way. The stupid arguments in my head are just tearing me apart.  Because it's like your worth more, and then something happens and it's like well that's why you got treated the way you did, cuz that's what you are worth. Nice try thinking you were something your not.

Tom and I have actually been on good turmoil. Which as of the last year for sure is surprising. But I'm hesitant on it. I don't know if I believe any of it yet. I would like to but they do say that the past behaviors usually show the future behaviors. So, again it's hard. Like Ed keeps saying really your going to be that stupid again???? Your falling for it! Come on! Where the me part is almost desperately wanting it to be true that then I just start to cry. I feel like I'm going crazy.

My Ed has been my protector. The one that says don't cry, you can't show your weakness because they are just going to take more of it from you. They are going to see that and just shove the knife in a bit deeper so be strong and fight. Where the me of myself is a different person. It's a person that can see a homeless person and cry because I can't help them get a house. If I was just living on my own I think I would tell as many as possible to just come crash on my floor, but because I have my kids I hold back. I constantly give money to them, which Tom doesn't like because we really don't have money to hand out.. I just can't help it. If we can figure a way to go on vaca even for 5 days, I can def. give a $1 to someone standing on the side or go get them some food.

All I know right now is that every day I cry. I'm tired of crying. I can't even believe I have enough tears to cry that much! And stupid crying makes me exhausted so I end up taking these little naps all day long. Plus too, I fricken okay don't like to admit it specially considering all that has happened in the past year, but I tripped over the damn cat and lost my balance to hit the damn toilet  .. ya.. now I have a black eye. It's swollen and hurts and I can't, well won't go out of the house because it looks like I got punched. Which is absolutely embarrassing! So that hasn't helped with me eating at all either. Ed of course steps in and says just rest instead of having lunch or for that fact anything. Now I just hope that it'll be gone by vaca. Was to go see my father-in-law today but that's absolutely out of the question. I can not be seen like this!

Okay well, I'm going to end this already. I don't know how to get on the right track anymore, I'm wishing and praying that it'll come slap me in the face and I'll get out of this rut.