Caring for Me

I don't know how to care for me. I don't know how to love me. How can I love me if I always feel like I'm constantly getting pushed down and judged for everything that I do wrong?? How do you expect me to say it's okay. That I am still good. No it doesn't feel that way.


And I don't know how to fight. I mean .. I know obviously know how to punch. But like to fight and stick up for myself that part I don't know how to. Against Ed or to anyone for that fact. I say words but it doesn't mean anything to me. I can get into a heated argument and say some mean things but it's usually Ed talking because when it's done and said it's ME that hurts.

There's this picture I have (can't find it to post it) but I was probably around 3 or 4 and I look at her and think she's going to have a wonderful life. I'm jealous of her. She's going to be everything that I'm not.

It's like when you look at a child and they are smiling and having a ball and I feel so much joy for them. Wishing them the best of life.

I love my boys .. they do drive me crazy but they also like to be crazy with me and have fun. I do believe That's what I need in life.



I'm just tired of always being the one that has a problem.. that can't seem to find a way out. Why instead of telling me it's my fault .. why can't you just help and be there? But I can't see that coming. Cause it's my fault.