And What Now?

I hate this place.

But how can I keep up with changing it .. I'm not sure. I don't like changing. I just wished something could magically erase it. Chances of that.. haha.. not going to happen. I just have a problem with WHY..

WHY do ppl have to continue to hurt me. Why do I continue to let them. Just why?? WHY? Please stop! I can't do it anymore. :(

And it sucks more because the ones that say that I'm actually a good person.. I mean it's nice to hear but it's not enough. It's not the person that should be saying it. It's not that one that I NEED. The ones that I know I probably will never get. And then that makes me feel like crap.

ON another note..





Night is my favorite time.



And there is reasons for them.. lots actually. One for the part that the kids and Tom are sleeping and I get to be just me.. in my own way. I get to breath and just be. I get to be crazy myself. And love myself. Only time that I get to do that. Otherwise everyone has something to say.



But Tonight just keeps getting better. The "And What Now?" .. well it's more then Ed.. it's what how and why to change. If no one else seems to care why should I?? It's hard to change when everyone seems to always say oh FUCK YOU I deserve it first!

I mean I know I don't deserve the right to have everything 'my way' but Christ .. COME ON!! I'm killing myself and you just don't care. You might cry when you bury me but who wouldn't .. for Christ Sakes.. for Christ Sakes .. when .. what do I have to do .. when..

And When do I get to say and what not.. ya I don't care. I care for ME! Isn't that the whole thing of dealing with Ed.. at least that's what I've been told. I need to start taking care of ME. But how can I take care of me if everyone else doesn't give a fucking shit!! How can I change???

I'm just tired too.. but I just wished someone would stand up for me because right now I am to weak. I just want someone to STAND UP FOR ME! TO SAY I'M WORTH IT.. =(

I'm trying but every time that someone says something or does something I tend to go right back .. and I'm hating that right now. I'm so desiring LIFE.. I want it.. I need it. I desperately want it!