Please Stop

It's all I ever seem to say anymore. To my mom, to my husband, to my kids, to Ed. It's like I'm getting bombarded on every side and I just can't take it anymore!

My mother is a big trigger for me. She always says the stupidest of things. Like for instance I drove a friend to the airport cause she lives out of town a little ways and so I said I'd keep her car for her while she was gone. And my mom was like "what were you thinking??" "You need to think next time". Hmm.. I was thinking that I am helping a friend out and that's kind of the bottom line for me. There's not much more to think about.

My kids .. well their just kids. But my oldest starts things with the other two that then they learn it and it just doesn't matter how many times you say please stop please stop they just go on and fight. I mean they have their good days where they play good and everything goes well and then there's days like today that I have to like separate then into different rooms and I'm clueless on the 'right' thing to do. Then of course my mom has to jump in and tell me how I should do it. Ya cause she did such a great job with me =)

My husband and I .. I mean we are having problems but for some reason I do have the hope that it's just this hole in the ground and we are slowly crawling out. Only problem is sometimes we're slipping back into the bottom but just keep trying to move forward. He has in own issues and I guess I make up excuses for him probably too many times but I think he's willing to change along with me. Only problem is there are times where it just seems he just doesn't want to quit saying things to me that are really hurtful and it hasn't changed even when I've expressed it to him. I usually lock myself in the bathroom now because that's the only place I can go ..

It was the other night he just would not stop. Bringing up Ed and my behaviors and its just like you don't think I know.. I'm living it. And I try to stay calm but then he'll usually say something that just hits hard and then I'm mad. And my mad is not good. So I will have to just leave. Then I usually can't go to sleep, I don't want to talk to anyone and just be alone. And that sucks to feel like that.

And then there's Ed. Gosh he's so convincing. Usually when something like these get me stressed Ed's usually the one saying see they don't care. I do. Look how long I've stood by your side. I'll never leave you can bet on that. And usually those days I'm so sad that it's like ya your right. Your the only the only thing that I can actually count on. And who cares what I'm doing to my body .. I mean no one else cares how they treat me why should I?! Eds going ya I know see!

When the days I think about without ed, I'm just scared. I look at my triggers and I'm not sure how to work thru them. Mainly because when someone that I care about treats me nasty .. well they don't have the right to do that. If anyone has that right It's Me! But I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be sad and anxious. I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to see my kids grow up and have a family .. to be apart as a whole family and be supportive of them.

So would everyone just please stop. Stop hurting me.. think what your saying and doing. (not so much for my kids cause haha they don't know any better right now lol) but just be supportive for once. If you don't want to be bothered with it.. well there's the damn door. I might be the one walking out the door ..