As soon as I start to feel that I can like stand on my own two feet and legs to make it something always pushes my face back into the ground in which I turn to Ed.
Today I had my doctors appt. Which I wasn't thrilled about either. It was a simple just blood work done. But I sat in the frickin room for an hour. And it has been that way in the past but today I had to bring my youngest so it was really annoying.
I finally came out of the room and was like I am going to have to leave. The doctor I guess has a meeting.. find that's okay I get that things happen but don't leave me there either. YOu could have called or something.. something other then leaving me there.
Plus too I should back up and say that I had gained weight which .. that's never good in my eyes. Unfortunately =(
So finally the nurse comes in and she's like if you would have just said it was blood work you wouldn't have to see the doctor blah blah blah..
Um.. Really?? Cause when you were asking me questions I told you that was the purpose of my visit. But apparently you don't listen. Agh!!!
Then as I'm leaving she asks me if I'm fasting. Are you fucking kidding me already?? You don't ask someone that already is dealing with weight if their fasting.. specially since I gained weight.. nice one thanks.. thanks ..
SO ya then I had the control but I allowed Ed to control.
It was hard enough seeing that I had gained weight but then to have someone ask if I wasn't eating and it's like shit apparently I suck at this too.
It's just real frustrating!
And I really don't blame the nurse.. it is on me .. it just sucks. It just sucks!
For those who don't understand .. it is really hard to gain weight. I know that they say it's a form of control.. I haven't yet grasp that. My weight it everything. It makes me a better person some how. And I'm scared to death to gain more because I feel like I will lose everything.
I have convinced myself that I will lose everything. And I will be alone. Sad and alone. With Ed he has gotten me my husband.. my friends.. my family.. without Ed I'll be just 'me' .. alone. By myself. =(
That is all I have anymore is Hope. I just keep praying. That's all I have. I just wished someone somehow would hear the answers.
But it is what it is.. right? I hate that. I hate it .. I HATE IT!!! I don't want it is what it is. I want more. I believe I deserve more .. just why cant someone else see that I deserve it as well. ?!?!
hun, i know we met because of your ed. but im here now with or without ed. And no, your husband, and family and friends are there because of you not because of ed. They are there for the amazing person you are trina, the caring, giving, funny one, not because of ed...
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