Is Love Alive

I'm back with Ed. It's the only one I can count on.

You know up until I started to battle Ed I never thought of it as a relationship. I didn't think of it as a divorce .. as a proposal... never thought of it like that. Now I see it. I see the need .. the want ..

Ed somehow looks at me right now as sees a good person. The person that I wished everyone else could understand. But they don't.

They never do.. :(

I am just in this spot that I hate. I truly despise it. I want to have the life that I thought I would of when I was a little girl .. you know that fairy tale.. the one where you were going to live happily ever after.

I want to have a happily ever after.





And my happily ever after isn't being a princess living in a castle. It's just smiling each day. And feeling like I should smile. I mean obviously I could smile each day but if it doesn't have the meaning behind it it's worthless. At least to me it is.

I just hate the feeling that the only one that loves me is Ed. And ya that's an irrational thought. I understand that but when you constantly get put down by everyone else Ed's the only one. And to have lived with Ed for 17 years now ..

I mean my husband and I have only been together for 8 years and I don't want to give up on him and our marriage. I always want to work on it. SO it's really hard for me to think of my life without Ed. It's just hard to know the 'right' decision. And for some I completely get how they are like what is there to decide about.. it's going to kill you. And then the one part of me thinks that it won't because it hasn't so far .. but there's the irrational thinking again.

I just wished that people would start thinking about what they do and say and how it affects someone. You know people have said to smile at someone even if you don't know them because they might be having a bad day and it just might give them a little hope. I think I'll need like a million smiles so that I can get some hope.