why

I don't understand why I keep finding myself in the same situation time and time again..

I know..well I don't know but have just been told about how great life can be without Ed..just when I'm trying to let Ed go all I see is how much I miss Ed.

I don't want to be like pro-Ed .. it's just Ed somehow makes me feel normal. Probably irrational, just I've lived so long with Ed I can't even think of my life without it. Like something will.. Idk how to explain it but just a part of me will forever be lost and so then making it so that I would be lost.

I don't get those people that can just be. I'm so envious of them. I know you shouldn't envy someone but that's the one thing I dream of. Just to be and not have all these thoughts that I have. To go to the store and care less about what someone else is thinking or saying or doing. Not me, I just can't seem to look away and say oh well.

I just don't understand why I feel that Ed completes me and makes me whole. When in fact I do know he's destroying me and ruining me. And yet I can't seem to say go away. I just don't know why..