Grudges

Well what.. they say holding onto a grudge really does nothing to the other person but just solely effects your own life.

But I can't seem to let go. How do you let go?

These people hurt me and for no reason in my eyes. For instance the one friend who told everyone at my new job that I had an ed. It was like really? You were supposedly my best friend and you go and do that. So I cut her out of my life. And found it more ridiculous when she tried to become friends with me again. There was no chance for that.. shouldn't have fucked up like that.

Don't get me wrong I do forgive people for things. It's just the big parts that I can't say it's okay. And that's how I feel. As soon as I say I forgive and I'll even forget that I'm saying it's okay that you just treated me like crap, Go ahead do it again.

The problem I am having with it is that it's keeping me in a really sad mood. I don't even know what happy is anymore. I smile but that's not hard. I'll laugh but it's not hard either.

It's what I feel like on the inside that I can't seem to change. I want to feel joy on the inside just because I am where I am. I do not need anything more (well except maybe a little bit of help here and there lol) But I really have things that I should just be able to enjoy every day instead of feeling like dirt.

I somewhat hate this place that I am in. I hope it's just a process of going through to get better. I'm praying that it is. But I also feel like I'll be stuck in this place too. I know I need to push but I just feel so weak and helpless lately that I don't know how to.

I don't know how to let go of those times that those who should have been my biggest fans, my biggest supports ended up being the ones that hurt me the most. And the fact that they don't even seem to care....

I don't know why I care then.