Caring for Me

I don't know how to care for me. I don't know how to love me. How can I love me if I always feel like I'm constantly getting pushed down and judged for everything that I do wrong?? How do you expect me to say it's okay. That I am still good. No it doesn't feel that way.


And I don't know how to fight. I mean .. I know obviously know how to punch. But like to fight and stick up for myself that part I don't know how to. Against Ed or to anyone for that fact. I say words but it doesn't mean anything to me. I can get into a heated argument and say some mean things but it's usually Ed talking because when it's done and said it's ME that hurts.

There's this picture I have (can't find it to post it) but I was probably around 3 or 4 and I look at her and think she's going to have a wonderful life. I'm jealous of her. She's going to be everything that I'm not.

It's like when you look at a child and they are smiling and having a ball and I feel so much joy for them. Wishing them the best of life.

I love my boys .. they do drive me crazy but they also like to be crazy with me and have fun. I do believe That's what I need in life.



I'm just tired of always being the one that has a problem.. that can't seem to find a way out. Why instead of telling me it's my fault .. why can't you just help and be there? But I can't see that coming. Cause it's my fault.

Not Again.. Not Tonight

There's a few things there. A couple I'll say..

1. It's hard enough to deal with myself and my kids but then to have a husband .. I didn't sign up for another kid. I had 3 .. I didn't have 4 but apparently I adopted one without knowing it. I guess that's marriage ?? Thought it was supposed to be two adults coming together. Whatever.

2. I can't sleep.

Tomorrow Brayden has a basketball game and I am supposed to go out with a friend to listen to a band. So now I'm going to look horrible because I won't be rested.

And I have mass in the earlier evening.

I don't like being a downer. I don't like being upset. I rather despise it!

Lately because I don't have the energy to put into it. It takes so much and right now all my energy is involved with so much more.

With ed right now.. all I feel is sad. I hate it every time that I have to do it but I have to do it. I've recently turned music on just so that I feel a bit more relaxed and not thinking of all that goes into it. How many ppl I am disappointing how there's no one but Ed. And that's not what I want. Just stuck..

Ed's also convinced me to cancel my appointments with Kimberly (my therapist). And I just follow. I don't want to go because I'm with Ed.. and the fact that I have that choice well I have it. Plus it just saves me money.. considering I'm not really changing lately there's no reason to go. I want to change but I just want the drama to end so that I can just be okay.

Do you see Ed talking.. I do.

Idk .. I'm all over the place lately. Another thing I despise.

Today ???

I am just learning to feel my anger and sadness that I've always held inside.

To be 100 percent honest. When I was 18 I got pregnant. I had just graduation high school. I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT!! I took a life that didn't have a voice. That wasn't right .. it just wasn't. There is so many people desperately just wanting to hold a child in their arms to call them their own and for me to disregard it all.. I don't forgive myself.

And I don't forgive myself because I didn't want to suffer my mothers words. I didn't want what she had already called me being a slut and a whore (even before I ever had sex) .. I just didn't want to give her that right to say hmm.. who knew it? Me. I didn't want to give her that. But instead I gave up more.

I can't stand myself for that choice .. plus others decisions.. but that one is starting to stick out.

I'm just starting to feel. I don't like it either. I'm working thru the emotions and they just seem to put me back further then getting me thru. I don't like sad and anger. I can not stand it.






I just want to celebrate .. and yet I don't know how to. I want to be happy and just live life the way that a person should.






I get that there is struggles and arguments and disagreements.. I just want to learn to not let ED say that it was somehow someway my fault for it all. To see where people are just constantly blaming me and saying I'm wrong YOU SUCK. I just wished I could do something right already.

And What Now?

I hate this place.

But how can I keep up with changing it .. I'm not sure. I don't like changing. I just wished something could magically erase it. Chances of that.. haha.. not going to happen. I just have a problem with WHY..

WHY do ppl have to continue to hurt me. Why do I continue to let them. Just why?? WHY? Please stop! I can't do it anymore. :(

And it sucks more because the ones that say that I'm actually a good person.. I mean it's nice to hear but it's not enough. It's not the person that should be saying it. It's not that one that I NEED. The ones that I know I probably will never get. And then that makes me feel like crap.

ON another note..





Night is my favorite time.



And there is reasons for them.. lots actually. One for the part that the kids and Tom are sleeping and I get to be just me.. in my own way. I get to breath and just be. I get to be crazy myself. And love myself. Only time that I get to do that. Otherwise everyone has something to say.



But Tonight just keeps getting better. The "And What Now?" .. well it's more then Ed.. it's what how and why to change. If no one else seems to care why should I?? It's hard to change when everyone seems to always say oh FUCK YOU I deserve it first!

I mean I know I don't deserve the right to have everything 'my way' but Christ .. COME ON!! I'm killing myself and you just don't care. You might cry when you bury me but who wouldn't .. for Christ Sakes.. for Christ Sakes .. when .. what do I have to do .. when..

And When do I get to say and what not.. ya I don't care. I care for ME! Isn't that the whole thing of dealing with Ed.. at least that's what I've been told. I need to start taking care of ME. But how can I take care of me if everyone else doesn't give a fucking shit!! How can I change???

I'm just tired too.. but I just wished someone would stand up for me because right now I am to weak. I just want someone to STAND UP FOR ME! TO SAY I'M WORTH IT.. =(

I'm trying but every time that someone says something or does something I tend to go right back .. and I'm hating that right now. I'm so desiring LIFE.. I want it.. I need it. I desperately want it!

My doom Day

It feels that way anyways....





Okay and I get it.. I'm being dramatic. It's probably uh .. everything will be okay and nothing will happen.

That's probably the problem. Nothing will happen. I need .. I want answers. I'm not okay with just sitting by not knowing anything. It sucks. It really does!

I haven't hardly slept. I actually woke up around midnight thinking it was around 4ish .. went back to sleep and then woke up again around 3 and I swore it was 6. And considering what I have to go through today I was just like okay get up. You can shower blah blah.. you'll have to make some breakfast.. and I convinced myself to get up to only find out it was only 3 and well then I'm awake then. I can't lay back down. Specially considering today.

I had to turn on my music and put my ear phones in because Tom is in a deep sleep. Snoring and it honestly pisses me off.



I'm stuck feeling and being in this situation and your just easily sleeping. So ... music calms me .. It allows me to just be in the bubble that is just happy.I truly love my bubble too. My bubble is just .. words almost probably wouldn't describe. I'm okay with me .. I don't care what you think I'm just celebrating. I honestly love myself.



Really hoping today will bring me answers. I do not believe I'll get any but I'm hoping. I'm praying. Good lord someone has to get in my corner soon.. sooner or later.. preferably sooner. But hoping for the sooner .. come on.. someone.

My Family

I have an weird-ish relationship with my family..

Okay so to start. Well I start with my sister.

My sister is probably my biggest supporter. She's the one that will be like um.. ya but what if you did it like this ?? Just a suggestion. She just .. I mean I can't agree with her all the time nor do I like what she says. But I have chosen to now hear it and maybe then just tweak it. She's my best friend. She's like really one of my only friends. She knows everything and I trust her with everything. I love my sister.

My brother Bobby.. I have issues with. Um.. after my house had exploded Bobby had become at that time like my wall. He was the one that kept being my support. He watched out for me and had my back. I don't know really what happened. I know that once I got pregnant with Brayden he was mad, I don't know if that's what it was but our relationship around that time ended. We both seem to reach out a bit but only to then just say oh well. I miss my brother.

Steven and I .. hahaha.. our relationship was always weird. He used to come home from college and say 'get my stuff bitch' I was 11.. you shouldn't call me a bitch. But I have just gotten over that. Only because I now say that a word is a word .. you can make anything mean and bad if you want to .. it doesn't need to be a curse word.

Richard and I .. funny how it is .. but we've gained a better relationship because of Nascar. He comes out each year and we have a good time. He'll call and we can talk ... where before we hadn't. So I'm like taking this and running. I like him tho too because I know he supports my mothers actions towards my dad but yet when we ever talk about it he chooses to not respond back harshly or whatnot.. he takes in what I say and then responds. I definitely respect him a lot for that!

I did have brothers that past away.. I don't know much about them. My mom says I can ask but she also doesn't like to talk about it so I tend to not ask .. usually. When back home I know have decided to make sure to go visit their sites. They are my family.

I left my last brother .. Mark. He's my oldest brother. I suck at being a sister to him. He left when I was 5 to go into the army. I remember that day and I hated it! At that point he was the one who I could count on. I don't blame him or anything but I just hated every time that he was assigned to leave. And he knows it to this day. He knows that if he calls and says that he's supposed to go somewhere that I'll cry. I don't want him leaving anymore. I hate it!

But I am proud of my brother. He has done great things and I am proud of him for it. He's like dad. He's very much like dad.

I'm proud of my family. I mean I have 3 siblings that are teachers.. Great teachers too! They have all (well cept for Rich .. sorry haha) have a great wife or husband and it continues to give me a bigger family in which I just love.

I love family I want to consume it. I can't wait for my boys to enjoy it. I want them to enjoy it.

I think that's why I love playing games so much because I want them to just enjoy life and maybe sometimes just 'PLAY'.. what's wrong with it.. nothing in my eyes.

I miss my family.. I miss them!

Wished I would have taken the moments that I did have a little more serious and be happy about those moments .. nothing for granted

And it does suck knowing that I'm the fucked up one. I love my family and here .. they got me. It sucks knowing that! I don't want that.. I wished I could give them something other but ya.. here I am.

I am a Daddys Girl

I believe I've mentioned this before but on of my earliest memories was when my brother said I broke the trim (in which he was the one responsible for it) .. well my dad was to spake me 10 times. He took me downstairs .. spanked me once and told me to continue to cry so my mom 'bought it'.

My dad has always had a heart of gold .. at least according to me.

When I was I think around 6 .. we had went back out to the country and I fell into okay long story there, but there was a bar covering a hole and I fell into it so I ended up with a puppy. haha.. My mom was pissed.

My dad would easily give his shirt off his back if it would in anyway help. He is such a great person.

My brother actually said the other day that he just wanted to make dad proud. That he failed. And by no means do I think my brother failed. I actually really am proud to be apart of my family. There is definitely times that I don't feel like I should have such great people.. I don't deserve it

I get that it's hard to understand that because there are so many that would give anything to have it and here I suck at it

Another great moment with my dad .. haha.. CPS would have a good one with this. In the winter dad tied the sled up to the back of the tractor and Bobby, Kim and I would ride on it .. when he'd slow up you'd have to deck because we'd go underneath the tractor.

I grew up .. oh haha.. in a different world.



I stole this from a friend that posted it. And as soon as I saw it ..

My dad doesn't say love you and that. But every time I speak with him I make sure that I say it. I know he loves me. I do know that.

He actually this past July at our family reunion said when introducing me.. this is my baby and my favorite. I just wished I wasn't what I was.. ;(

I know right now he is so worried about me and that's not what should be going on. Yuck is all I can think right now.

My dad is ready to leave this world. I don't like that at all. I just don't. I mean don't take this wrong he is older but I just am not ready to let go. I don't know who would be.

Love my dad.

Uck Seriously.. Again?!?!

As soon as I start to feel that I can like stand on my own two feet and legs to make it something always pushes my face back into the ground in which I turn to Ed.

Today I had my doctors appt. Which I wasn't thrilled about either. It was a simple just blood work done. But I sat in the frickin room for an hour. And it has been that way in the past but today I had to bring my youngest so it was really annoying.

I finally came out of the room and was like I am going to have to leave. The doctor I guess has a meeting.. find that's okay I get that things happen but don't leave me there either. YOu could have called or something.. something other then leaving me there.

Plus too I should back up and say that I had gained weight which .. that's never good in my eyes. Unfortunately =(

So finally the nurse comes in and she's like if you would have just said it was blood work you wouldn't have to see the doctor blah blah blah..

Um.. Really?? Cause when you were asking me questions I told you that was the purpose of my visit. But apparently you don't listen. Agh!!!

Then as I'm leaving she asks me if I'm fasting. Are you fucking kidding me already?? You don't ask someone that already is dealing with weight if their fasting.. specially since I gained weight.. nice one thanks.. thanks ..

SO ya then I had the control but I allowed Ed to control.

It was hard enough seeing that I had gained weight but then to have someone ask if I wasn't eating and it's like shit apparently I suck at this too.

It's just real frustrating!

And I really don't blame the nurse.. it is on me .. it just sucks. It just sucks!

For those who don't understand .. it is really hard to gain weight. I know that they say it's a form of control.. I haven't yet grasp that. My weight it everything. It makes me a better person some how. And I'm scared to death to gain more because I feel like I will lose everything.




I have convinced myself that I will lose everything. And I will be alone. Sad and alone. With Ed he has gotten me my husband.. my friends.. my family.. without Ed I'll be just 'me' .. alone. By myself. =(


That is all I have anymore is Hope. I just keep praying. That's all I have. I just wished someone somehow would hear the answers.

But it is what it is.. right? I hate that. I hate it .. I HATE IT!!! I don't want it is what it is. I want more. I believe I deserve more .. just why cant someone else see that I deserve it as well. ?!?!

Storms

This Video really got to me..

(oh btw.. probably scroll down and pause my music before you play the clip)






The one thing I hear in this is being in a storm.. I am in a storm right now. And I don't know when or how to get out .. I feel that dark cold cloud above me.I feel the way it is at night hearing the lightening crashing and the clouds bashing. That is what I feel in my life right now. Nothing is going right and I just have to sit by and hope that some how some way I don't get consumed by it.



It's just everything and anything that could bother me is piling up.

I don't want Monday to come. Christ I don't even want tomorrow to come. Tomorrow I see my Doctor which I'll have blood work done and it's just .. ya don't want to bother anymore. Monday.. well I don't like to go into that. I know it will be over quickly but I feel like it still will be giving me no answers and I'll be STUCK in the same situation that I am in.



When will I get out of this storm?.. I have no idea.

I'm getting tired of being sad. Of being like pathetic and feeling bad for myself. I'm tired of it!

I just don't know how to get out. I just wished that I would have something .. uck. nevermind.

My storm is in the middle right now. I feel the rain I feel the booms of lightening and thunder. I feel it all. I'm wanting to not feel anymore =(

For Good Lords Sake

So last night the boys are brushing their teeth, and for some unknown reason they always have to fight when they brush their teeth. (which is why I have now made a rule that only one at a time in the bathroom) But my story is that Zaelur and Kyler were fighting so it just annoys me because it's 8 p.m. I'm tired and just can you not just brush your freaking teeth and get it done !??!


Anyways. I go into the bathroom and here Zae is like half in the toilet (haha) and half on the bathtub. And Kyler has the shoot.. it's the lid to the top of the toilet where the handle and all is. (I hope this is making sense)But it's not the lid to the seat but the upper part. So I grab it from him and notice Zae's nose is bleeding so I not meaning to but apparently slammed down that lid and it broke in which it cuts my thumb up big time. And all I can think is SERIOUSLY????


I don't get my bad luck lately. I honestly think I have this dark cloud following me around none stop. It's like if there's a chance for something wrong to happen.. it's going to happen.



Like okay I'm not going to say exactly what happened after Thanksgiving.. but that was hell.


Then Zaelur takes off with my drivers license .. which I really don't want to go back to the DMV to pay another $30 or so for a new license, specially since I know that it's somewhere in the house.


I keep forgetting shit. Like what to do or where to go. It's like I need sticky notes throughout the house so that I can remember what to do next.





I just feel like I'm in this hole, trying to climb out and keep getting pushed back in. I keep thinking I'm reaching for the sky and instead I can't ever seem to even touch it. I know the saying 'the grass is always greener on the other side' but I just want a little bit of green.. just some .. something.






Well back to my thumb.. this is what Ed says:
'what are you going to do now you can't purge.. it'll hurt. Oh nevermind that's okay it'll hurt but it'll hurt more if you eat and let it stay in you'

And because I am with Ed so much all I can think is 'ya'. I know that's irrational. I do .. I get that, but with that being said it has been my life. It's what I know. =(

Maybe one day I'll be able to go back through this and know that person but be another healthy better person. Maybe one day.

why

I don't understand why I keep finding myself in the same situation time and time again..

I know..well I don't know but have just been told about how great life can be without Ed..just when I'm trying to let Ed go all I see is how much I miss Ed.

I don't want to be like pro-Ed .. it's just Ed somehow makes me feel normal. Probably irrational, just I've lived so long with Ed I can't even think of my life without it. Like something will.. Idk how to explain it but just a part of me will forever be lost and so then making it so that I would be lost.

I don't get those people that can just be. I'm so envious of them. I know you shouldn't envy someone but that's the one thing I dream of. Just to be and not have all these thoughts that I have. To go to the store and care less about what someone else is thinking or saying or doing. Not me, I just can't seem to look away and say oh well.

I just don't understand why I feel that Ed completes me and makes me whole. When in fact I do know he's destroying me and ruining me. And yet I can't seem to say go away. I just don't know why..

Love Myself

I like this one because that's usually what I do. And also just to follow up the 10 ways to love because I think I need to start listening to myself more so that I can learn to love myself and not care what others think and say. I have to learn to be strong again and be okay that it just is what it is.





I always wanted more but maybe more isn't what I was supposed to have. God, I do believe has a plan for me and I have to listen to him and realize what it is. I think then I will be happy. Maybe not every day but most of the time I think he'll give me in the end joy.




I think if I just let go things could be okay. I like as soon as I start saying that in the back of my head I'm going are frickin kidding?? LET GO?? Ya not! Your starting to sound insane. Haha. I have control issues. I do think that over time I have been letting go but the problem with that too is that then things don't get done right and I usually tend to go overboard then.





The one thing I need to let go of is how much that number says. It doesn't depict who I am. But it's kills me to have people say things about how I look. It's like well if that's what matters is how I look, instead of who I am.. it's hard to think anything different.

But that's where the loving myself comes into play. If I know and validate who I am then what others say won't bother me as much. At least I hope so. So I have to start saying positives about myself and allowing myself to hear the positives and when a negative is said to just almost pretend that it wasn't said. That's what I'm hoping for anyways.








And because of that .. not listening to the negatives I need to learn to let people go .. I need to let them walk out of my life because they are not good for me. They weren't then and they won't be in the future. And I need to embrace those that are going to be positive for me and be willing to like me for who I am not for who they want. To be understanding enough to realize that just because I think I'm right doesn't mean I don't think that they are wrong. People do not have to live exactly the same.




So here's my list :)

1. I love myself because I like to act silly and dance like an idiot.
2. I love myself when I sing or play the piano, even if I'm not that great at it.
3. I love myself because I find humor in the simplest things.
4. I love myself because I will see something beautiful in the spots that people don't look.
5. I love myself for giving to people. To want to help them as much as I can.
6. I love myself because I am trust worthy.
7. I love myself for being stupid sometimes =) Only sometimes tho lol


That's it for now.. I guess it's a start tho. Someday I hope to love myself for every part of me that there is. One day *fingers crossed*

Is Love Alive

I'm back with Ed. It's the only one I can count on.

You know up until I started to battle Ed I never thought of it as a relationship. I didn't think of it as a divorce .. as a proposal... never thought of it like that. Now I see it. I see the need .. the want ..

Ed somehow looks at me right now as sees a good person. The person that I wished everyone else could understand. But they don't.

They never do.. :(

I am just in this spot that I hate. I truly despise it. I want to have the life that I thought I would of when I was a little girl .. you know that fairy tale.. the one where you were going to live happily ever after.

I want to have a happily ever after.





And my happily ever after isn't being a princess living in a castle. It's just smiling each day. And feeling like I should smile. I mean obviously I could smile each day but if it doesn't have the meaning behind it it's worthless. At least to me it is.

I just hate the feeling that the only one that loves me is Ed. And ya that's an irrational thought. I understand that but when you constantly get put down by everyone else Ed's the only one. And to have lived with Ed for 17 years now ..

I mean my husband and I have only been together for 8 years and I don't want to give up on him and our marriage. I always want to work on it. SO it's really hard for me to think of my life without Ed. It's just hard to know the 'right' decision. And for some I completely get how they are like what is there to decide about.. it's going to kill you. And then the one part of me thinks that it won't because it hasn't so far .. but there's the irrational thinking again.

I just wished that people would start thinking about what they do and say and how it affects someone. You know people have said to smile at someone even if you don't know them because they might be having a bad day and it just might give them a little hope. I think I'll need like a million smiles so that I can get some hope.

And Again

So probably one of the most trying things of my recovery is dealing with other people.

It's hard because others don't understand. I'm so thin skinned right now. Just the slightest thing said I can take it and twist and turn it just to make sure that some how it is meant for me.

I hate that!

I don't know how to change it either. I know a lot of the comments or what not have nothing to do with me but it just is hard to not feel it and allow it to get to me.

I was doing good for a.. well 4 days .. but then again I have to go back to Ed.

Ed is so supportive. I know it sounds crazy .. but when you've been in this relationship with Ed for so long .. there's nothing you won't do to make sure ..

It's like a divorce. You do everything and anything to make sure that it'll work out. And even then you keep trying to make sure it'll come out.

It's a tough call tho.. how do you decide if it's a best decision or not. I mean I know healthy wise .. obviously .. but there's so much more then just health. IDK..

I just don't know..that's what it comes down to. I really hope that others and even Ky and Brayd can keep moving forward but just that they have a goodish life.. That's all I want for them.

Day Two

Well yesterday I managed to eat. Honestly I'm not happy about it. I feel like I ate too much.

What really bites is I weighed myself before I started the day. And I had lost weight. And like this happiness fills my body like yes I did it I'm on my way back to where I was I can do it. Then reality hit and it was like but you promised today you were going to eat. I had to keep my promise. So I ate. All day I felt like crap. I don't know if it was cause I was hungry or my stomach was hurting because it actually had food in it. I don't know if it was just cause I was stressing out because I was eating.

Last night I couldn't sleep at all. Couldn't stop thinking about what I all ate, what I'm going to eat for tomorrow. Cause now it comes into the fact that when I see Kim on Friday and she's asks how things are going I want to be able to say well I slipped for awhile but I started back with eating and I'm at least doing it.

Like Tom and my friend were like Great Job. And it's like hmm.. I mean thank you but for me on the inside it's like ya.. great job right. Great job on losing everything you worked so hard to get to. And now what, ya keep going woohoo. Go ahead go get fat. You'll have to buy new clothes cause you won't fit into the ones you have now. And where you going to get the money for that.. ya funny.

I can't quite figure things out. Not sure if I ever will. Or it it's always going to be this do good for awhile and screw up for awhile to finally come back to doing good again.

Well Eds grip is tight. Always has been, but I have to make it thru the day and tomorrow and at least Friday. And I'm hoping that with those many days under that maybe I can keep pushing thru. Only time will tell.

Please Stop

It's all I ever seem to say anymore. To my mom, to my husband, to my kids, to Ed. It's like I'm getting bombarded on every side and I just can't take it anymore!

My mother is a big trigger for me. She always says the stupidest of things. Like for instance I drove a friend to the airport cause she lives out of town a little ways and so I said I'd keep her car for her while she was gone. And my mom was like "what were you thinking??" "You need to think next time". Hmm.. I was thinking that I am helping a friend out and that's kind of the bottom line for me. There's not much more to think about.

My kids .. well their just kids. But my oldest starts things with the other two that then they learn it and it just doesn't matter how many times you say please stop please stop they just go on and fight. I mean they have their good days where they play good and everything goes well and then there's days like today that I have to like separate then into different rooms and I'm clueless on the 'right' thing to do. Then of course my mom has to jump in and tell me how I should do it. Ya cause she did such a great job with me =)

My husband and I .. I mean we are having problems but for some reason I do have the hope that it's just this hole in the ground and we are slowly crawling out. Only problem is sometimes we're slipping back into the bottom but just keep trying to move forward. He has in own issues and I guess I make up excuses for him probably too many times but I think he's willing to change along with me. Only problem is there are times where it just seems he just doesn't want to quit saying things to me that are really hurtful and it hasn't changed even when I've expressed it to him. I usually lock myself in the bathroom now because that's the only place I can go ..

It was the other night he just would not stop. Bringing up Ed and my behaviors and its just like you don't think I know.. I'm living it. And I try to stay calm but then he'll usually say something that just hits hard and then I'm mad. And my mad is not good. So I will have to just leave. Then I usually can't go to sleep, I don't want to talk to anyone and just be alone. And that sucks to feel like that.

And then there's Ed. Gosh he's so convincing. Usually when something like these get me stressed Ed's usually the one saying see they don't care. I do. Look how long I've stood by your side. I'll never leave you can bet on that. And usually those days I'm so sad that it's like ya your right. Your the only the only thing that I can actually count on. And who cares what I'm doing to my body .. I mean no one else cares how they treat me why should I?! Eds going ya I know see!

When the days I think about without ed, I'm just scared. I look at my triggers and I'm not sure how to work thru them. Mainly because when someone that I care about treats me nasty .. well they don't have the right to do that. If anyone has that right It's Me! But I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be sad and anxious. I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to see my kids grow up and have a family .. to be apart as a whole family and be supportive of them.

So would everyone just please stop. Stop hurting me.. think what your saying and doing. (not so much for my kids cause haha they don't know any better right now lol) but just be supportive for once. If you don't want to be bothered with it.. well there's the damn door. I might be the one walking out the door ..

It's a New Year Same ol Day

I'm going to try again. I have to .. it scares me but I have to try again.

Only problem is that I have to argue with Ed and say okay fine one more day you can have it.. but tomorrow is the start. And I will .. tomorrow that is. Now will I stay on track .. who knows?!

I'm just sick that I allow others to dictate my day.

I have to say I was so proud of myself yesterday. I was sitting in the car while Tom was putting the cart away. And if there is one thing about me I'm very observant. So this guy was backing up into a parking spot and he was going to then pull forward again to park it in the middle and there was this lady who was coming so like he waved to let her she waved to let him they both giggle. And at this point I'm laughing because that always seems to happen to me. But then she goes and I watch him back up and hit the car behind him. He then looks both ways and I'm thinking oh hell no you better not I'll chase you down. And yep sure enough he pulls out of the spot. I immediately get out and Tom's like hey where you go whats going on. I just say hold up. Luckily the guy didn't leave the store but just pulled into another spot so then it wouldn't of been him. I knock on his window and he has earphones on.. whether he was listening to music or talking with someone who knows (not me haha) so I just come out and say I saw you hit that car. And he goes what car? I said are you kidding me? I watched you back up and you hit that car. He gets out and was like where what car? So I walk over to it, and at that point I hadn't seen the damage and he just says oh it's fine. I said the least you can do is write a note to let them know you hit it. So he goes oh okay. I said huh maybe then I should call the police and he goes Ya you go do that!What an Ass. So then I got the license plates for the other car walked into the store so they could let the owners know. He did write a note, but Tom said it only had his phone number on it which doesn't mean much in my mind but whatever. The stores security came out and recorded everything. So hopefully it all worked out well.

My whole purpose of this story is why would I have to get out and tell you to do the right thing?? Why? What is wrong with you? And then why do I let it impact me so much. I mean for me I'm glad that I did that. This other lady was like I completely heard it but she just got in her vehicle and left. And it's just to me if there were more people that just stood up for one another then maybe things would be better ??

Tom was worried I'd get shot. Which maybe one of these days I will. But I really don't care. If that's the way I leave, I'm okay with that. Better then leaving because of Ed.

So right now .. today. I'll cave.. I'll give in. And I'm scared for tomorrow but like Tom always says 'Give it Hell' so that's what I'll try to do.