Okay I know I talked about my b-i-l death.. it's just that I feel those days that my sister is hurting and it just makes me feel upset. I can't help that. She didn't deserve that.. I feel like I should have. She deserved so much more and here she is ..
My husband will ask when I'm crying why am I crying and I just say I feel it.. completely out of nowhere .. I know that she's hurting. I know she doesn't want me to call her right then. Cause I have before and I can hear in her voice she just wants to be alone. I get that .. 100%. So I wait until the next day and then I'll ask was yesterday a bad day and she'll say umm... ya... and it's just like even tho were are thousands of miles apart I feel it. Sounds so stupid but every time it is the truth.
And do not get me wrong I am not trying to take away from her in the least bit.
We were close off and on. We would fight but nothing like fight without talking, it was just she's older then me and she had her life I had mine. So it was hard to get in touch and sometimes I didn't even think about it.
But we did/do have good times. She has done SO much for me that I can't even express. She helped out all the time. Just even this last spring last second she flew down so that I could go to the doctors. And I think that's what hurts the most. She's bent over backwards for me and she didn't deserve this.. I should have. I know sounds selfish in a way but it is how I feel.
I suffer in my own way, and I guess I just don't want her to suffer like that.
And I'm pissed.. how can you be so selfish to take your life and knowing that you are leaving everyone behind?!??!?!??! It's just not right!!!! I kinda wished he would have lived so that I could slap him!
But then I turn around and pray for him to be in heaven. I mostly pray for my sister tho, that in some way somehow she'll find her next best friend. In philip.. chances not so good.. well I guess you never know so I shouldn't say that.
A problem for me is that Ed seeps in.. and then it's a start over. I don't do well with change. I actually HATE IT!!! despise it..I like my routines. Then I get Tom on my back and it's just annoying. Which then pushes me even farther instead of helping. I mean cause he's done anything ??? really!! He wouldn't even go to counseling with me.. no I'm wrong he went 3 times out of the countless times I did.. but even when we went it was about our marriage more then about me Ed.. so I'm confused on what he thinks he knows.
Can you tell I'm pissed. Anger is always an easier outlet. At least for me anyways...
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
What's new.. not much.
So I have gone back to my behaviors. All I want to do all day is to listen to music.
Since my b-i-l (bro in law) passed.. things have really just gotten worse. I can't be there for my sister I feel helpless. I can' apparently do the right thing by my children/husband/mother.. It's just heartbreaking.
And it doesn't help with the schedule that I'm to keeping up with .. I've put too much pressure on myself and I can't seem to make things get to this place or that place, so then I'm having to last second cancel. Really tho I feel like I'm trying to get a reason to not go back to the doctors. ..
Eventho this sounds likes a BIG excuse.. We just don't have the finances either. And the times that I think that maybe it'd be better if I just wasn't here. Then at least the kids would have something.. or so I think ..
I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide! Just saying that sometimes I feel like my medical reasons are taking away from them.. It does bother me. Guess it's guilt. Really that's not a hard conclusion to come to.
Then there's another subject I want to address .. friends.. I don't have them. Tom tells me it's not me but how could I not feel like its not me?!?! The only friend I know I have is my sister and she's hurting so I don't want to bother her with my problems.. my little problems compared to hers. Idk.. idk if I would even want to trust anyone anymore. As soon as I open up .. I get stabbed someway or another.. so eventho I'm married with 3 children I am alone.
Since my b-i-l (bro in law) passed.. things have really just gotten worse. I can't be there for my sister I feel helpless. I can' apparently do the right thing by my children/husband/mother.. It's just heartbreaking.
And it doesn't help with the schedule that I'm to keeping up with .. I've put too much pressure on myself and I can't seem to make things get to this place or that place, so then I'm having to last second cancel. Really tho I feel like I'm trying to get a reason to not go back to the doctors. ..
Eventho this sounds likes a BIG excuse.. We just don't have the finances either. And the times that I think that maybe it'd be better if I just wasn't here. Then at least the kids would have something.. or so I think ..
I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide! Just saying that sometimes I feel like my medical reasons are taking away from them.. It does bother me. Guess it's guilt. Really that's not a hard conclusion to come to.
Then there's another subject I want to address .. friends.. I don't have them. Tom tells me it's not me but how could I not feel like its not me?!?! The only friend I know I have is my sister and she's hurting so I don't want to bother her with my problems.. my little problems compared to hers. Idk.. idk if I would even want to trust anyone anymore. As soon as I open up .. I get stabbed someway or another.. so eventho I'm married with 3 children I am alone.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Treatment
I saw this post that I wanted to post here to get my voice understood.
It seems like when I talk there is most that don't get it. They either just look at me with a blank look.
But I don't want to go to treatment. I'm scared to walk away. No .. Damnit I want to believe not because of ED but because of everything else. I have my kids. :(
Who's selfish now?!?
How is it to make yourself like your a good person when every chance you keep proving yourself wrong??
I'm not suicidal .. I can't do that! Nor would I ever. Have I thought of it.. yes .. but I can't. Just something that I believe.. honestly thanks to my mother. She was and can still be very much of a bitch but she has taught me some thing.
I'm not going to go down that road .. I've taught about it, cause I was in such a dark place. But now I've seen and am still feeling the impact from my brother-in-law. Not a chance I will do that!!!
But to go to a place .. still not ready .. I'm trying on my own.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Wanting hope
I woke up at 2:30 a.m. .. sat up and watched some tv cause I was hoping that I'd fall back asleep. Oh just in case I haven't said I haven't slept in my bed since Xmas day.
I know it's easily to say that he should keep my secrets. But to do it in the way he did.. I know now that I can only trust myself. So I keep everything in.. ya not good.
But here this morning I actually will be running around in a bit. But just wanted to get on and explain how much he is affecting me. I'm not sure if this is just a toxic relationship and I should somehow try to get out. Problem is I have 3 children. Yes my oldest is with another relationship from hs, but my husb has said that he would make sure I didn't have my kids. He was drinking when he said it, but does that give him the right?!?! And I fear that I would lose them.
I guess in one way I've hurt myself for so long I can deal with another 14 yrs of it. But that's not what I want.
I know life is not a bed or roses but I'd like to be happy. The other night he hurt me because I went on a drive with him and said (it's my made up work) ish-a-ba and he tells me how much he hates it when I say that. Not in a good way but that I could not ever say it again. And the word is like in my head def. just plain non-sense. Like when your driving and that person cuts you off .. I say ishaba. Like wipe it off your shoulder move on to the more important things in life. Cause some ppl are really fucking rude:)
Thing is tho.. I think I can say whatever I want to say.. especially since it's not offensive. It's not a curse word and for that fact.. I don't care as long as you don't mean it in mean way. I know others don't agree with my opinion on curse words but I personally feel that if you are going to say ANY word in a purpose to hurt someone, then that's just as bad as Bitch, I don't like to say the C word, Damn, Shit, Asshole, Fuck. If you are saying it in a manner that your trying to hurt someone isn't that as bad as saying your an idiot??? You look like a whore or slut? The intent to me is what I believe is when it is a curse word. And you don't have to agree with me .. I'm just saying my opinion.
Back to the main point is my husband actually 3 yrs ago introduced me into an online group for ed. And that was from me saying that I needed him again. I just felt like we were not communicating. This group lead me to this (which he dislikes) .. It was everything I did he didn't like how it was going. I was going to dr. appt. to my therapist. I was asking others their diets to be able to do it on my own. Then he tells me how wrong it was me to be in contact with these ppl. Didn't help that about the time the site we chatted on went down, but even then..
I have asked him to go to counseling, which he did .. Once. He brought home this 100 things to do with your wife and asked me to pick what I'd like. And I said I would like to do it together. Just cause I might like doesn't mean that he needs to do it.. ya only one walk together.. that was 3 yrs ago. Asked him to do a blog, he thought that was a great idea, yep he's only done one. I've quit it now. Just recently I read this statement that said when you are get married you have a box. That box is empty. The only way that you can get something out of it is if you put something in it. Me, obviously being dumb now looking back thought lets put notes in it saying what we want to do for others.. again he thought it was a great idea. Did it Once Again. And it had nothing to do with putting into our relationship but on him. I threw the box away. Then he tells me he'd rather email.. guess how many emails I've gotten ???????
So Ed and I are reunited. :(
I know it's easily to say that he should keep my secrets. But to do it in the way he did.. I know now that I can only trust myself. So I keep everything in.. ya not good.
But here this morning I actually will be running around in a bit. But just wanted to get on and explain how much he is affecting me. I'm not sure if this is just a toxic relationship and I should somehow try to get out. Problem is I have 3 children. Yes my oldest is with another relationship from hs, but my husb has said that he would make sure I didn't have my kids. He was drinking when he said it, but does that give him the right?!?! And I fear that I would lose them.
I guess in one way I've hurt myself for so long I can deal with another 14 yrs of it. But that's not what I want.
I know life is not a bed or roses but I'd like to be happy. The other night he hurt me because I went on a drive with him and said (it's my made up work) ish-a-ba and he tells me how much he hates it when I say that. Not in a good way but that I could not ever say it again. And the word is like in my head def. just plain non-sense. Like when your driving and that person cuts you off .. I say ishaba. Like wipe it off your shoulder move on to the more important things in life. Cause some ppl are really fucking rude:)
Thing is tho.. I think I can say whatever I want to say.. especially since it's not offensive. It's not a curse word and for that fact.. I don't care as long as you don't mean it in mean way. I know others don't agree with my opinion on curse words but I personally feel that if you are going to say ANY word in a purpose to hurt someone, then that's just as bad as Bitch, I don't like to say the C word, Damn, Shit, Asshole, Fuck. If you are saying it in a manner that your trying to hurt someone isn't that as bad as saying your an idiot??? You look like a whore or slut? The intent to me is what I believe is when it is a curse word. And you don't have to agree with me .. I'm just saying my opinion.
Back to the main point is my husband actually 3 yrs ago introduced me into an online group for ed. And that was from me saying that I needed him again. I just felt like we were not communicating. This group lead me to this (which he dislikes) .. It was everything I did he didn't like how it was going. I was going to dr. appt. to my therapist. I was asking others their diets to be able to do it on my own. Then he tells me how wrong it was me to be in contact with these ppl. Didn't help that about the time the site we chatted on went down, but even then..
I have asked him to go to counseling, which he did .. Once. He brought home this 100 things to do with your wife and asked me to pick what I'd like. And I said I would like to do it together. Just cause I might like doesn't mean that he needs to do it.. ya only one walk together.. that was 3 yrs ago. Asked him to do a blog, he thought that was a great idea, yep he's only done one. I've quit it now. Just recently I read this statement that said when you are get married you have a box. That box is empty. The only way that you can get something out of it is if you put something in it. Me, obviously being dumb now looking back thought lets put notes in it saying what we want to do for others.. again he thought it was a great idea. Did it Once Again. And it had nothing to do with putting into our relationship but on him. I threw the box away. Then he tells me he'd rather email.. guess how many emails I've gotten ???????
So Ed and I are reunited. :(
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Have to pick myself up again
I've been wanting to write about this for quite some time now, but I just couldn't pull myself to do so. I still don't know how long this will take me but I am determined to get this out.
I was on that diet for my autoimmune disorder, and then basically after going back home in the summer and eating just regular food and not gaining any weight or having any problems I just sorta stopped with the diet. It was kinda nice again to go and eat normal meals and not be worried.
Then in October my life took an unexpected turn. It was Wednesday the 29th at 1:04 p.m. I was just finishing cooking some lunch and my rings. Now mind you it seems like it wouldn't matter if I was eating at 11 or noon or 1 in between or if I didn't have a chance until 2 some reason my husband ALWAYS called me :) and he would ask what are you doing. I would only have to say seriously.. we'd laugh and he'd let me go. Well, when I answered he said you need to call your sister. I sat for a second and thought what .. why are you telling me I need to call my sister so I said okay why. He said you just need to call her she called me you need to call her. So then I'm going why didn't she just call me then???? I asked him and he then said that my brother-in-law shot himself. I couldn't think .. I couldn't respond. Everything froze at that time. And Tom says Trina did you hear me I couldn't even respond right away he had to say my name again and I then ya okay .. I immediately started crying. I was trying to pull myself together in 30 seconds to be able to talk to her and it wasn't good. My hometown is small so he was air evac to a city there and my sister was getting everything ready to go up. After I got off the phone with her I called my brother to tell him that he needed to take my sister up to Rapid that she shouldn't drive. Not realizing that my brother was out of town trucking and had no idea about it. He was snippy at first. I think he thought I was losing it and was going crazy or something, so then I had to tell him. He and my b-i-l were really good friends. And here my brother is driving a truck and 6 hrs away. It just sucked giving him that news like that.
Basically that day all I did was cry and here it's a Wednesday luckily Brayd road the bus home, but I had to get Kyler and his friend from school and pick up the friends sister to take them to religion. In the meanwhile I have calls that need to be made for just normal things that I couldn't put off. In between that and trying to find out what was going on. Thinking when I was going to be flying back cause I needed to get home for them. My nephew called at 3:32 p.m. and said that his step father was brain dead.. there's nothing they could do....
I liked my brother-in-law. But I mainly liked him because my sister loved him. And he was there for my nephew. He was my nephews father. Cuz he didn't have a father. His biological dad is 100% loser. Not because of money and that, it's because of other big reasons. My b-i-l had 3 children from a previous marriage, and all were married the oldest has 4 children and the second has 2. They were a family. It just made it really confusing on why he would do this. And it always will because he didn't leave a note or anything.
Thursday my sister would call and I had no words to say. I still don't. I can only cry with her. I want to take her pain. I can deal with it.. she shouldn't have to. She's such a great person and is always there for me being strong that just let me have her pain. Wednesday that it happened and Thursday nights I together go about 2hrs of sleep. So on Friday when we flew back I crashed on the plane. When we were getting on it was so hard to not be crying. Also when we were landing .. the kids were happy to be home because love going back, I knew how it was going to be for me tho.
My oldest brother was in Afghanistan on deployment. And he was able to come home for good, that was a positive if you want to say that. I mean I love my brother but for my sister and what she'll be dealing with from now on, I know he would have been fine over there if that meant this all didn't happen. But I am glad he's home do not get me wrong. I'm just saying that he only had one more month and if my b-i-l was alive and then my brother would have been back .. I don't if I'm making sense now.
What I was trying to get at tho is my second oldest brother was picking us up from the airport. So here he meets us up top .. well he came behind me and grabbed my ribs which I thought was Tom and was about to yell at him:) Then we get down to baggage claim, and never anytime we've ever flow has all our bags came out first and were talking 5 bags.. So here's the deal. My sister-in-law had told me earlier that day that my other 2 brothers and my sister and my nephew would be there when we flew in. So I had msg my sister when we landed to see if she was still in town or back at the house. She said that they went home. Oh okay no biggie, we'll see ya in a couple hrs. So as we are walking out, out of no where this person grabs me from behind and I look up to see my one brother and Tom so then I'm going who the fuck has a hold of me. Well, it was another brother (guess i should go with names but I'm not going to go back thru and change now haha) so I hug him. Then I turn to see my nephew.. still not clicking then that that would mean my other brother and sister would be there as well.
It was a nice welcoming but also a very sad one. The only thing that I really liked is the fact that it showed how much we have each others back. How even tho we fight at times and get annoyed with each other we are truly there for each other.
Oh to back up a little bit. My b-i-l stayed on life support til that Friday because they donated his organs. That morning my sister called early. I was awake anyways cause i couldn't sleep. Well it was the first night since it all happened that she slept. And she woke up alone and realized it all .. we cried with no words. Then she goes what is today anyways? I didn't answer I wasn't about to, because it was my birthday and I already knew what was going on. Then she said oh Happy Birthday Trina I'm so sorry. I almost wished she didn't remember what day it was. The ironic part of it all was that the week before my husband said what do you want to do for your birthday. I said nothing I don't want anything I really just don't even want my birthday to come. My sister had had a dream a week before that her husband was leaving her, but when she woke up he was there so she just figured it was a nightmare ya know, nothing to it. I don't know what to think. For me did I not want my birthday to come because of what was about to happen. Did she have a dream because it happened, he left. Some ppl believe in those sort of things, and now I somewhat do as well.
Another funny part was that the rest of my family was down at the bar having a couple drinks and my sister and I were going to go, but then she said she didn't want to be around anyone and my family said they wouldn't be long, so I said I'd go for just a bit and then be back up to her house. Well my family trying to be nice, gets the band to sing happy birthday to me. The next morning cause my mom went home before I got there, well I can't even recall who said what, but it was brought up about someone getting sang to for the birthday, and my mom goes "who's birthday is it?" Seriously mom:) Hello!!! lol
But that Friday night I planned and had asked my sister to stay with her. It was going to be her first night back in her house and the last thing I wanted was for her to wake up alone. Now mind you we shared a bed for 11 1/2 yrs of my life before she left for college, and when she would come back there were still times we would share. Then I spent two different summers with her. So we were used to sleeping together. Might sound a little weird that two grow sisters are sleeping together but we close. In the morning she got up, I hardly slept so I was awake but just laying there. She went into the bathroom and I just heard her sobbing. I wanted to hug her to tell her it will be all okay. But there's no okay in this.
I could go on a lot about this. I am so mad at him. He took part of my sister with him because he was so incredibly selfish in that moment. I really hope that it was just a 10 second dumb decision. That if he would have stopped for just another few seconds he would have saw his wife, his children, his grandchildren, his sisters and brothers. His extended family.
My sister is my best friend. I used to be able to call her and bitch about Tom and she would have complaints about her husband, sometimes it would be identical to what each of them were doing, so we'd laugh. Now, well there's not a chance in hell that I will call her to complain about my husband. I still have him around. I can't do that anymore with her. And she was the one I could be honest with. Mainly because I knew no matter what she would always love me, might not like me at times but would always ALWAYS be there. I know she still will be there if i needed her .. it's just different now. Like when we were back home Tom road in to my sisters house with us to get another vehicle to take back to my parents and when he was getting out he just naturally kissed me .. I gave him this look of like what the fuck are you doing???? No! Like she just lost her husband lets rub it in.
So here's the thing. Since then. I have been a mess. I wasn't really all that great before it, but afterwards I am a hot mess. I'm trying to get passed this .. not the whole thing but this moment I'm in. Cause I feel back with Ed. The only difference now is I actually kinda hate it. Before I used to I guess like it. I didn't have a problem .. it's somewhat difficult to explain. When I wouldn't eat or if I did and purged the purging was easy. It is easy for the most part right now as well, but then it was just well I guess like I wasn't feeling. Now I'm feeling and I hate it.
I think I went back to Ed believing in some way that I wouldn't feel anymore. When all it has done is made me feel even worse. Ed used to make me feel strong almost confident and now I feel completely the opposite. I've noticed that when I pick up the kids I keep my head down or if I'm out in public I am always looking down.
I'll be stopping here after this, but I'm really hoping that this new year will bring something better. Just even if it's little. I would like hope again.
I was on that diet for my autoimmune disorder, and then basically after going back home in the summer and eating just regular food and not gaining any weight or having any problems I just sorta stopped with the diet. It was kinda nice again to go and eat normal meals and not be worried.
Then in October my life took an unexpected turn. It was Wednesday the 29th at 1:04 p.m. I was just finishing cooking some lunch and my rings. Now mind you it seems like it wouldn't matter if I was eating at 11 or noon or 1 in between or if I didn't have a chance until 2 some reason my husband ALWAYS called me :) and he would ask what are you doing. I would only have to say seriously.. we'd laugh and he'd let me go. Well, when I answered he said you need to call your sister. I sat for a second and thought what .. why are you telling me I need to call my sister so I said okay why. He said you just need to call her she called me you need to call her. So then I'm going why didn't she just call me then???? I asked him and he then said that my brother-in-law shot himself. I couldn't think .. I couldn't respond. Everything froze at that time. And Tom says Trina did you hear me I couldn't even respond right away he had to say my name again and I then ya okay .. I immediately started crying. I was trying to pull myself together in 30 seconds to be able to talk to her and it wasn't good. My hometown is small so he was air evac to a city there and my sister was getting everything ready to go up. After I got off the phone with her I called my brother to tell him that he needed to take my sister up to Rapid that she shouldn't drive. Not realizing that my brother was out of town trucking and had no idea about it. He was snippy at first. I think he thought I was losing it and was going crazy or something, so then I had to tell him. He and my b-i-l were really good friends. And here my brother is driving a truck and 6 hrs away. It just sucked giving him that news like that.
Basically that day all I did was cry and here it's a Wednesday luckily Brayd road the bus home, but I had to get Kyler and his friend from school and pick up the friends sister to take them to religion. In the meanwhile I have calls that need to be made for just normal things that I couldn't put off. In between that and trying to find out what was going on. Thinking when I was going to be flying back cause I needed to get home for them. My nephew called at 3:32 p.m. and said that his step father was brain dead.. there's nothing they could do....
I liked my brother-in-law. But I mainly liked him because my sister loved him. And he was there for my nephew. He was my nephews father. Cuz he didn't have a father. His biological dad is 100% loser. Not because of money and that, it's because of other big reasons. My b-i-l had 3 children from a previous marriage, and all were married the oldest has 4 children and the second has 2. They were a family. It just made it really confusing on why he would do this. And it always will because he didn't leave a note or anything.
Thursday my sister would call and I had no words to say. I still don't. I can only cry with her. I want to take her pain. I can deal with it.. she shouldn't have to. She's such a great person and is always there for me being strong that just let me have her pain. Wednesday that it happened and Thursday nights I together go about 2hrs of sleep. So on Friday when we flew back I crashed on the plane. When we were getting on it was so hard to not be crying. Also when we were landing .. the kids were happy to be home because love going back, I knew how it was going to be for me tho.
My oldest brother was in Afghanistan on deployment. And he was able to come home for good, that was a positive if you want to say that. I mean I love my brother but for my sister and what she'll be dealing with from now on, I know he would have been fine over there if that meant this all didn't happen. But I am glad he's home do not get me wrong. I'm just saying that he only had one more month and if my b-i-l was alive and then my brother would have been back .. I don't if I'm making sense now.
What I was trying to get at tho is my second oldest brother was picking us up from the airport. So here he meets us up top .. well he came behind me and grabbed my ribs which I thought was Tom and was about to yell at him:) Then we get down to baggage claim, and never anytime we've ever flow has all our bags came out first and were talking 5 bags.. So here's the deal. My sister-in-law had told me earlier that day that my other 2 brothers and my sister and my nephew would be there when we flew in. So I had msg my sister when we landed to see if she was still in town or back at the house. She said that they went home. Oh okay no biggie, we'll see ya in a couple hrs. So as we are walking out, out of no where this person grabs me from behind and I look up to see my one brother and Tom so then I'm going who the fuck has a hold of me. Well, it was another brother (guess i should go with names but I'm not going to go back thru and change now haha) so I hug him. Then I turn to see my nephew.. still not clicking then that that would mean my other brother and sister would be there as well.
It was a nice welcoming but also a very sad one. The only thing that I really liked is the fact that it showed how much we have each others back. How even tho we fight at times and get annoyed with each other we are truly there for each other.
Oh to back up a little bit. My b-i-l stayed on life support til that Friday because they donated his organs. That morning my sister called early. I was awake anyways cause i couldn't sleep. Well it was the first night since it all happened that she slept. And she woke up alone and realized it all .. we cried with no words. Then she goes what is today anyways? I didn't answer I wasn't about to, because it was my birthday and I already knew what was going on. Then she said oh Happy Birthday Trina I'm so sorry. I almost wished she didn't remember what day it was. The ironic part of it all was that the week before my husband said what do you want to do for your birthday. I said nothing I don't want anything I really just don't even want my birthday to come. My sister had had a dream a week before that her husband was leaving her, but when she woke up he was there so she just figured it was a nightmare ya know, nothing to it. I don't know what to think. For me did I not want my birthday to come because of what was about to happen. Did she have a dream because it happened, he left. Some ppl believe in those sort of things, and now I somewhat do as well.
Another funny part was that the rest of my family was down at the bar having a couple drinks and my sister and I were going to go, but then she said she didn't want to be around anyone and my family said they wouldn't be long, so I said I'd go for just a bit and then be back up to her house. Well my family trying to be nice, gets the band to sing happy birthday to me. The next morning cause my mom went home before I got there, well I can't even recall who said what, but it was brought up about someone getting sang to for the birthday, and my mom goes "who's birthday is it?" Seriously mom:) Hello!!! lol
But that Friday night I planned and had asked my sister to stay with her. It was going to be her first night back in her house and the last thing I wanted was for her to wake up alone. Now mind you we shared a bed for 11 1/2 yrs of my life before she left for college, and when she would come back there were still times we would share. Then I spent two different summers with her. So we were used to sleeping together. Might sound a little weird that two grow sisters are sleeping together but we close. In the morning she got up, I hardly slept so I was awake but just laying there. She went into the bathroom and I just heard her sobbing. I wanted to hug her to tell her it will be all okay. But there's no okay in this.
I could go on a lot about this. I am so mad at him. He took part of my sister with him because he was so incredibly selfish in that moment. I really hope that it was just a 10 second dumb decision. That if he would have stopped for just another few seconds he would have saw his wife, his children, his grandchildren, his sisters and brothers. His extended family.
My sister is my best friend. I used to be able to call her and bitch about Tom and she would have complaints about her husband, sometimes it would be identical to what each of them were doing, so we'd laugh. Now, well there's not a chance in hell that I will call her to complain about my husband. I still have him around. I can't do that anymore with her. And she was the one I could be honest with. Mainly because I knew no matter what she would always love me, might not like me at times but would always ALWAYS be there. I know she still will be there if i needed her .. it's just different now. Like when we were back home Tom road in to my sisters house with us to get another vehicle to take back to my parents and when he was getting out he just naturally kissed me .. I gave him this look of like what the fuck are you doing???? No! Like she just lost her husband lets rub it in.
So here's the thing. Since then. I have been a mess. I wasn't really all that great before it, but afterwards I am a hot mess. I'm trying to get passed this .. not the whole thing but this moment I'm in. Cause I feel back with Ed. The only difference now is I actually kinda hate it. Before I used to I guess like it. I didn't have a problem .. it's somewhat difficult to explain. When I wouldn't eat or if I did and purged the purging was easy. It is easy for the most part right now as well, but then it was just well I guess like I wasn't feeling. Now I'm feeling and I hate it.
I think I went back to Ed believing in some way that I wouldn't feel anymore. When all it has done is made me feel even worse. Ed used to make me feel strong almost confident and now I feel completely the opposite. I've noticed that when I pick up the kids I keep my head down or if I'm out in public I am always looking down.
I'll be stopping here after this, but I'm really hoping that this new year will bring something better. Just even if it's little. I would like hope again.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Ed Deep
I have fallen. BAD. Everything that I worked for seems to just get shoved out the window .. the worst part is yesterday I couldn't even act out. I gained probably around 5 lbs.. It doesn't take me much to gain. Like just a piece of toast and for some reason it'll be 2 lbs. Tom doesn't get it, I can't explain it. I just know that it was it is.
Right now things are out of my control, and I can't stand it. I am constantly on the go, which then you would think would be easy for me to just not eat, but ya.. find time for that. Idiot! (Me I'm saying)
I don't know how to do this anymore. Everything that I learn or was told was to be selfish. Get yourself better, but how can I do that when I'm constantly having to put my kids and Tom before me... All I do every day is run around. I barely get to sit down and relax. Probably the reason why I'm gaining wight. You'd think with the constant go go I wouldn't gain but ya I do. Pisses me off.
I desperately want to go back in time. I want to be where I was like a year and half ago. It makes me so upset, I cry about it all the time. And I'm alone.. it doesn't seem like anyone gets it.
I just don't know how to be happy, I pray and ask for guidance and maybe I'm not listening good enough. I just know I don't want to be this.. what I am.
Right now things are out of my control, and I can't stand it. I am constantly on the go, which then you would think would be easy for me to just not eat, but ya.. find time for that. Idiot! (Me I'm saying)
I don't know how to do this anymore. Everything that I learn or was told was to be selfish. Get yourself better, but how can I do that when I'm constantly having to put my kids and Tom before me... All I do every day is run around. I barely get to sit down and relax. Probably the reason why I'm gaining wight. You'd think with the constant go go I wouldn't gain but ya I do. Pisses me off.
I desperately want to go back in time. I want to be where I was like a year and half ago. It makes me so upset, I cry about it all the time. And I'm alone.. it doesn't seem like anyone gets it.
I just don't know how to be happy, I pray and ask for guidance and maybe I'm not listening good enough. I just know I don't want to be this.. what I am.
Monday, August 26, 2013
F*CK U!!!!
WHy?????? WHY????
I can't stand you but it seems I can't live without you either. :(
Why I feel the way I do.. I don't know.. I wished only that I could feel that calm.. that feeling of it doesn't matter and it's all good.
Only problem.. it isn't.
I see the mirror.. I see what others see. It bothers me because deep down my heart isn't what I portray. I am easily hurt. I cry a lot. I wished others saw how soft hearted I am. But well I'm a bitch.
I'm a bitch because I have to protect myself. I'm the only one looking out for myself.. so I have to defend myself so if that means being a bitch well that's what it is..
Why isn't it ppl can't see me for me?? I'm not always right or nice or whatever but I don't want to hurt you.. why can't you see that??
Guess there's something wrong with me :(
I can't stand you but it seems I can't live without you either. :(
Why I feel the way I do.. I don't know.. I wished only that I could feel that calm.. that feeling of it doesn't matter and it's all good.
Only problem.. it isn't.
I see the mirror.. I see what others see. It bothers me because deep down my heart isn't what I portray. I am easily hurt. I cry a lot. I wished others saw how soft hearted I am. But well I'm a bitch.
I'm a bitch because I have to protect myself. I'm the only one looking out for myself.. so I have to defend myself so if that means being a bitch well that's what it is..
Why isn't it ppl can't see me for me?? I'm not always right or nice or whatever but I don't want to hurt you.. why can't you see that??
Guess there's something wrong with me :(
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Do You Ever?
There are times that I will be sitting here and will pull my legs up. grab them so tight! and just breath.
I don't understand why I can't get over this. Why I've become so raw. It completely sucks!!!
Just wish that someone could convince me that I am how I think I am. I look in the mirror .. not at my body but my eyes and they are so sad I hate it!!! I don't know how to get over it. Wished I could thousands and thousands of times!!
This is not the life that I want for anyone.. not myself and def. not for anyone else. SO hey if you read this and your in your teenage yrs.. try to belive this! God made you to be you! You are your own person beautiful inside and out. Don't got down this road it gets you pretty much no where. I would never think of having that towards my worst enemy tohave.. the thoughts I do.
Hug yourself.. love youself!!!! That's what I keep trying to tell me. God has me here for a reason .. believe it! Convince yourself.. hear it .. open your ears and listen.. it's hard it's not a fun road but belive that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't understand why I can't get over this. Why I've become so raw. It completely sucks!!!
Just wish that someone could convince me that I am how I think I am. I look in the mirror .. not at my body but my eyes and they are so sad I hate it!!! I don't know how to get over it. Wished I could thousands and thousands of times!!
This is not the life that I want for anyone.. not myself and def. not for anyone else. SO hey if you read this and your in your teenage yrs.. try to belive this! God made you to be you! You are your own person beautiful inside and out. Don't got down this road it gets you pretty much no where. I would never think of having that towards my worst enemy tohave.. the thoughts I do.
Hug yourself.. love youself!!!! That's what I keep trying to tell me. God has me here for a reason .. believe it! Convince yourself.. hear it .. open your ears and listen.. it's hard it's not a fun road but belive that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Unsure
I have been really struggling. So much is going on.. I'm really truly sad but it doesn't seem to stop people from wanting to tear me into pieces. All I can think is okay you've accomplished it .. you destroyed me now just move on! So tired of crying.
I envy those who are happy .. I mean obviously they are not always happy .. cause who can be .. it's not a possibility. Just isn't:) But to go thru a day without a constant battle going on.. It would be so heavenly.
I was really bothered today. I apologized to my mom for yelling at her. Which I don't apologize why I did, I apologize because of how I handle the situation. Of course she has nothing nice to say. Not sure why I keep bothering.. Insanity!!!! Then I'm upset and Tom has to voice his opinion on shit. And it's like really buddy like you were that great to me?!?! His whole thing now is that he's changed. a... ya .. lets see how long it lasts and then we'll talk. Cause it's been almost 10 yrs and it's just recently changed since well like January when I got really sick. Other then that he didn't give a freaking fly's ass.
Well it's getting pretty late. I best try to sleep. Get some type of rest anyways.
Not sure where I go from here tho. Time will tell.
I envy those who are happy .. I mean obviously they are not always happy .. cause who can be .. it's not a possibility. Just isn't:) But to go thru a day without a constant battle going on.. It would be so heavenly.
I was really bothered today. I apologized to my mom for yelling at her. Which I don't apologize why I did, I apologize because of how I handle the situation. Of course she has nothing nice to say. Not sure why I keep bothering.. Insanity!!!! Then I'm upset and Tom has to voice his opinion on shit. And it's like really buddy like you were that great to me?!?! His whole thing now is that he's changed. a... ya .. lets see how long it lasts and then we'll talk. Cause it's been almost 10 yrs and it's just recently changed since well like January when I got really sick. Other then that he didn't give a freaking fly's ass.
Well it's getting pretty late. I best try to sleep. Get some type of rest anyways.
Not sure where I go from here tho. Time will tell.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Not Lying
Seriously I refuse to. I might not hold up to what I hope for myself but I'll be completely honest about it.. done hiding and trying to protect Ed.
After I went back home I haven't been able to pull myself out. I keep saying at night that tomorrow I will but then tomorrow comes and I feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I just can't seem to do it.
I feel Guilty. Hate saying that I'll do something and then turn out not doing it! I don't want to be a liar! And I don't know how or what to do. I'm trying slowly.. finally. I made myself have an ensure, so at least I got some nutritious.. and I don't feel guilty about that. I can drink things and feel okay about it.. but food.. Not okay right now! I need to get back where I was. I can feel the affect. I don't like it either.
Part of me of course is happy that I lost the weight but I hate myself all at the sametime! Guess I am being selfish. You bitch for saying that to me! (my mom).
I've tried SO hard to forgive her for things. But then she does it again and it's like WHY????? Why am I supposed to forgive this!? Time doesn't heal all wounds that's for sure.
At least with Tom I can be 100% honest. More then that.. probably TMI haha! But he's been good about it. Pacient and knowing that I can get back on track. He's letting me have my little fit. And I appreciate it!
I just don't want to end back up in the hospital.. I can't take away from my kids anymore. And yet I don't know what more to do:(
After I went back home I haven't been able to pull myself out. I keep saying at night that tomorrow I will but then tomorrow comes and I feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I just can't seem to do it.
I feel Guilty. Hate saying that I'll do something and then turn out not doing it! I don't want to be a liar! And I don't know how or what to do. I'm trying slowly.. finally. I made myself have an ensure, so at least I got some nutritious.. and I don't feel guilty about that. I can drink things and feel okay about it.. but food.. Not okay right now! I need to get back where I was. I can feel the affect. I don't like it either.
Part of me of course is happy that I lost the weight but I hate myself all at the sametime! Guess I am being selfish. You bitch for saying that to me! (my mom).
I've tried SO hard to forgive her for things. But then she does it again and it's like WHY????? Why am I supposed to forgive this!? Time doesn't heal all wounds that's for sure.
At least with Tom I can be 100% honest. More then that.. probably TMI haha! But he's been good about it. Pacient and knowing that I can get back on track. He's letting me have my little fit. And I appreciate it!
I just don't want to end back up in the hospital.. I can't take away from my kids anymore. And yet I don't know what more to do:(
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
SELFISH!
So last second.. decided to fly back home. ugh
Got everything scheduled with my sister (after talking to her telling her it was becoming too much she took over.. which I LOVE HER for!!!!!) Got it so that we surprised my parents on us on our visit .. their bdays.. and their anny.. but ...
Ya BUT.
My mom and I went off on each other. One she got eye surgery. The dr. told me what to have her to do .. she didn't want to listen. Guess I don't know shit.. just like it was when I was there.. but whatever..
So we scream at each other... over nonsense. I didn't want to go there, but you start coming at me, my claws will come out!!!!!
TO tell me that I'm a selfish Bitch.. well I am a selfish Bitch.. I need to live! SO go screw yourself!
Then to think I have my husband behind meee... ya go figure..
we come home and he tells me to get over myself.. Thanks.. Thanks for having my back.
Guess I was wrong!!!!!!!
So here I am.. Stuck.. not knowing what to do .... howto change.. how to believe..
Got everything scheduled with my sister (after talking to her telling her it was becoming too much she took over.. which I LOVE HER for!!!!!) Got it so that we surprised my parents on us on our visit .. their bdays.. and their anny.. but ...
Ya BUT.
My mom and I went off on each other. One she got eye surgery. The dr. told me what to have her to do .. she didn't want to listen. Guess I don't know shit.. just like it was when I was there.. but whatever..
So we scream at each other... over nonsense. I didn't want to go there, but you start coming at me, my claws will come out!!!!!
TO tell me that I'm a selfish Bitch.. well I am a selfish Bitch.. I need to live! SO go screw yourself!
Then to think I have my husband behind meee... ya go figure..
we come home and he tells me to get over myself.. Thanks.. Thanks for having my back.
Guess I was wrong!!!!!!!
So here I am.. Stuck.. not knowing what to do .... howto change.. how to believe..
Sunday, April 21, 2013
And just when I think I can get rid of you
For some reason I have always convinced myself that my relationship with Ed wasn't so intense as it was. ... Well it's Big!! BIG!
It's more then a break up with a bf.. it's a marriage that I feel like I can't live without. And it's a definite Love/Hate relationship.
I want to feel good about myself and be able to tell everyone else how well I am, but the other part of me feels like the only part of me that will be accepted is if I act out with Ed. and we all know too well how ed feels on that one. OH yes.. he Loves It!! And part of me loves it as well.
I just don't understand myself. I allow myself right now to be dictated by the morning. If I wake up and I'm iffy.. well then it's a "Bad Day". NO changing it either. And then I'll somehow try to convince myself that it's just that day and I'll start all new the next and we'll be on the right track. Which lately my track is all over the place!
I do feel good tho when I do have a good day. Can't say I like the scale so much tho. I'm already 'overweight' in my mind so to continue to go on this strict meal plan to not lose any weight just discourages me even more and .. well then I tend to just drown in my own tears.
I just wished there was someone that I could truly relate to. Understanding that I have to put myself last because of my kids and husband but at the same time am almost selfish (cause I consider Ed as being selfish in my situation). It's just hard feeling completely alone but yet surrounded my many. I don't know how to handle it. :(
It's more then a break up with a bf.. it's a marriage that I feel like I can't live without. And it's a definite Love/Hate relationship.
I want to feel good about myself and be able to tell everyone else how well I am, but the other part of me feels like the only part of me that will be accepted is if I act out with Ed. and we all know too well how ed feels on that one. OH yes.. he Loves It!! And part of me loves it as well.
I just don't understand myself. I allow myself right now to be dictated by the morning. If I wake up and I'm iffy.. well then it's a "Bad Day". NO changing it either. And then I'll somehow try to convince myself that it's just that day and I'll start all new the next and we'll be on the right track. Which lately my track is all over the place!
I do feel good tho when I do have a good day. Can't say I like the scale so much tho. I'm already 'overweight' in my mind so to continue to go on this strict meal plan to not lose any weight just discourages me even more and .. well then I tend to just drown in my own tears.
I just wished there was someone that I could truly relate to. Understanding that I have to put myself last because of my kids and husband but at the same time am almost selfish (cause I consider Ed as being selfish in my situation). It's just hard feeling completely alone but yet surrounded my many. I don't know how to handle it. :(
Monday, April 15, 2013
Something I Just Have to Do
I don't know where my life is going to take me. Because a yr ago if you would have told me I'd be in this position. Well my first response would definetly of been run like hell. Altho it would have just caught up to me anyways.
I always go back and think if I did this or that. I tend to live in the past a lot. Specially now. Specially weighing what I do. And I know it's just a number but that number is what I want. It's like I worked so hard to get it and it was just ripped out from under my feet. There's nothing I can do about it either.
Eventho I purged I can't do it like I had. I thought I had tricked my body, which I had a couple times, but it caught on real fast. too fast.
And the fact that the stupid medicine makes me hungry. You would think just stop with the meds then right?! The only problem then is the AutoImmune picks back up and then I do stand a high chance of not seeing my kids grow. That's the only reason why I care. I probably should care enough not to want to act out as well, but that just seems to be on a different level.
What annoys me is when ppl say I need to learn a different copying mechanism. I have looked and everything I read it's just like nope nope nope.. I mean I like to do things like go on walks or listen to music but that doesn't change my mind. Once my mind is set there's no changing it. That's what has to change and I have to figure that out.
So after weeks. Almost a month I am going to attept this again. My reasoning is that hopefully I'll lose weight again, but if I gain I know I'll panic. I just pray that I can. And I'm accepting that I won't be what I was but I just want to be at a comfortable weight. So it's not like a big deal, just a big enough deal to me. And maybe then I won't be crying so much.
I always go back and think if I did this or that. I tend to live in the past a lot. Specially now. Specially weighing what I do. And I know it's just a number but that number is what I want. It's like I worked so hard to get it and it was just ripped out from under my feet. There's nothing I can do about it either.
Eventho I purged I can't do it like I had. I thought I had tricked my body, which I had a couple times, but it caught on real fast. too fast.
And the fact that the stupid medicine makes me hungry. You would think just stop with the meds then right?! The only problem then is the AutoImmune picks back up and then I do stand a high chance of not seeing my kids grow. That's the only reason why I care. I probably should care enough not to want to act out as well, but that just seems to be on a different level.
What annoys me is when ppl say I need to learn a different copying mechanism. I have looked and everything I read it's just like nope nope nope.. I mean I like to do things like go on walks or listen to music but that doesn't change my mind. Once my mind is set there's no changing it. That's what has to change and I have to figure that out.
So after weeks. Almost a month I am going to attept this again. My reasoning is that hopefully I'll lose weight again, but if I gain I know I'll panic. I just pray that I can. And I'm accepting that I won't be what I was but I just want to be at a comfortable weight. So it's not like a big deal, just a big enough deal to me. And maybe then I won't be crying so much.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I did it!
So I was finally was able to purge again. So who won?!?
ED does a damn good job or saying in my mind YA YOU DID IT!!!! WOohoO!:)
Finally! You've only just got to keep going.
It's crazy to say aloud but it's not crazy when it is how I've been the most part of my life. When I first purged here (I've had a couple back to back days) my reaction was like so frickin happy couldn't believe it.. I did it I finally did it again. I was in control again.
I don't know what to say. What I know is that not too long ago I was content with me. And now .. I'm all over the place. I can't see anything I like anymore. I want to, I remember what I liked about me and I think about that but then I see myself in a mirror or reflextion and it brings me back to reality .. that that's all gone.
They really mean it when it's said that it's like breaking up with someone. One moment your content and happy with how things are going and the next you so despreately need it back in your life.
I have so many thoughts going threw my head, and there's just so much going on in my life between obligations and appts that I don't know how to get it out. I want some ME time and it's the last thing that I can have right now.
It was kinda funny this last time I was out to LA to meet my transplant team. When I talked with my Social worker and then also my nutrionist my husband was like oh she does so good keeping track of this or that and blah blah. And I just smile and said ya it's my eating disorder. He's like no.. and both of them were like yes it is .. it's all about control.
I know I have major control issues. It's never enough I always need to do more. I can't even stand to write sometimes because I dont like the way it looks so then it has to get redone to get redone. Just simply annoying.
Tomorrow is a new day. I know that.. I say that. What does it mean tho ?! *shrug*
Because I have to keep track of my calories, protein and sodium I can easily get discouraged. And then the fact that I have to weigh myself every day. Actually that one probably isn't so bad because I would have done it anyhow Heh. So at least now I have permission. Ya I always find a way to make it okay even when I know it's not.
Just really wished I could be normal when it comes to food. It's either I am upset because of the # or I am because I'm restricting. (and not losing any weight that I've gain.. VERY Frustrating!) But even then my dr. would not be happy with me. They wouldn't be happy with me if I told them now but if they could see it .. ya .. Idk.. there's probably no difference. But Ed gets in there and is like well you haven't made a difference so really your okay. F&ck.
So here we go new day. I will lay my head down and hopefully in the morning I won't despise you so much. Can only hope.
ED does a damn good job or saying in my mind YA YOU DID IT!!!! WOohoO!:)
Finally! You've only just got to keep going.
It's crazy to say aloud but it's not crazy when it is how I've been the most part of my life. When I first purged here (I've had a couple back to back days) my reaction was like so frickin happy couldn't believe it.. I did it I finally did it again. I was in control again.
I don't know what to say. What I know is that not too long ago I was content with me. And now .. I'm all over the place. I can't see anything I like anymore. I want to, I remember what I liked about me and I think about that but then I see myself in a mirror or reflextion and it brings me back to reality .. that that's all gone.
They really mean it when it's said that it's like breaking up with someone. One moment your content and happy with how things are going and the next you so despreately need it back in your life.
I have so many thoughts going threw my head, and there's just so much going on in my life between obligations and appts that I don't know how to get it out. I want some ME time and it's the last thing that I can have right now.
It was kinda funny this last time I was out to LA to meet my transplant team. When I talked with my Social worker and then also my nutrionist my husband was like oh she does so good keeping track of this or that and blah blah. And I just smile and said ya it's my eating disorder. He's like no.. and both of them were like yes it is .. it's all about control.
I know I have major control issues. It's never enough I always need to do more. I can't even stand to write sometimes because I dont like the way it looks so then it has to get redone to get redone. Just simply annoying.
Tomorrow is a new day. I know that.. I say that. What does it mean tho ?! *shrug*
Because I have to keep track of my calories, protein and sodium I can easily get discouraged. And then the fact that I have to weigh myself every day. Actually that one probably isn't so bad because I would have done it anyhow Heh. So at least now I have permission. Ya I always find a way to make it okay even when I know it's not.
Just really wished I could be normal when it comes to food. It's either I am upset because of the # or I am because I'm restricting. (and not losing any weight that I've gain.. VERY Frustrating!) But even then my dr. would not be happy with me. They wouldn't be happy with me if I told them now but if they could see it .. ya .. Idk.. there's probably no difference. But Ed gets in there and is like well you haven't made a difference so really your okay. F&ck.
So here we go new day. I will lay my head down and hopefully in the morning I won't despise you so much. Can only hope.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Even I don't understand
Things have been difficult to say the least. It doesn't help that my health issues are coming into play, but then to not go back to Ed or at least rely on Ed just frustrates me more.
I had a friend ask me the other day how I feel about it. And my honest reaction is Pissed! I get so mad that I cry and I feel like crap because I can't do it. I am not sure how to explain it, but it's the fact that now that food sits in me just makes me feel disgusiting and repulsive, and I want nothing more then to get rid of it. But I can't.
For those who dont understand it it's like well that's a good thing.. no.. not really. You just took away my option and that's the last thing I had and it was riped away from me. I am a control freak. Or at least I try to be. Obviously you can't control everything, but I sure try. And it's just not right! It's not fair! It was supposed to be my choice and my actions that took it away, not the other way around! I was to grow with eating and feeling good about it, instead it's more controlling then ever and I HATE IT!!!
Im so sick of ppl saying that it's your decisions and you pick your path you can either be happy or not. Well how is that the case. I didn't get to pick it. I didn't have an option. So how is it that I'm 'blaming' or whatever this whole thing on something else instead of just facing the facts.
I desperately want to go back two years. I want to go back before Tom introduced me to EDA. Granted I met some great ppl. (in which I suck and haven't been good about communicating with either). But before that, things were fine. Ya Tom and I fought, but it wasn't anything like ended up happening. And I was again the one that had to take the blame.
To have a lawyer say that I'm the one 'falling on the sword' .. to me that's an obvious that I was not solely responsible for that night.
You know I wasn't just fighting Tom I was fighting everything in my life. I was fighting all those ppl that pushed me aside or put me down that made me feel that little and stupid. Finally I was stepping up for myself. And what did I get from it.. hah. I got told again how it was my fault.
I went off my diet this week. That was the first mistake. I mean I usually will have a mess up every other day or so, but this week it's been constant. And it's showing and I'm feeling it as well. I just don't know how to get back on board. I'm mad I'm frustrated I'm sad.. probably most of all I'm alone. I don't even have Ed .. my best friend has left my side. Well except he's still there telling me how WRONG I am. But the way I acted out before has disappeared. It's like a distant dream.
It's almost 3 a.m. here now. I'm exhausted and just to elaborate on something else. My brother in law and his wife defriended me on fb. Not like it's that big of a deal because it's fb, but more of a deal because why?! I didn't realize that I did or say anything that would cause them to do that. And it's annoying because over the past years it's like we were always welcomed to their house and visa versa, but they were not willing to come to our house and for us to travel 45 mins to their house with 3 kids was sometimes just annoying to me. So sorry that I didn't constantly want to do that. And maybe I'm overreacting.. I'm not sure. I had bought an outfit for their baby back in Sept. And we were supposed to meet up twice, but both times they canceled. So here I have this outfit in which now I'm just donating, but it's ridiculous to me how they think everyone should go out of their way to go to them. But I guess that's Tom's family for you. Mine would drop everything if needed where his would ask questions and say well I'm not sure. Mine just reacts and askes questions later.
So to say the least. I decided to write to both my brother and sister in law and say that it's obvious that they deleted me, and I wasn't sure why, that I guess it must have been something that I wasn't aware of, but that I wished the both of them the best and that was basically it. I don't expect nor necessarily want them to friend me again, I think to defriend someone is childish, that's my own opinon. But it's just the fact that they are supposed to be family. And if they want to get like that, well hey you weren't there at the hospital when Zaelur was there for 10 days, but hey we came over twice while your baby was in the hospital to see how you were doing. It's to me a one sided arguement.
It just doesn't help with the stress and being mad about Ed and having to deal with my upcoming appt. at USC with the Hepatologist.. it's just like frucking cut me some slack already.
Ahh.. anyways. Done with that garbage.
I do want my relationship back with Ed.. I know that's crazy but I really do. It scares me to think that it's gone. That it's ended and I didn't even get to cut it off. I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel like I'm selfish for wanting this but I also feel so desperate to have Ed that it's just the only solution to be happy. I really don't know :/
I had a friend ask me the other day how I feel about it. And my honest reaction is Pissed! I get so mad that I cry and I feel like crap because I can't do it. I am not sure how to explain it, but it's the fact that now that food sits in me just makes me feel disgusiting and repulsive, and I want nothing more then to get rid of it. But I can't.
For those who dont understand it it's like well that's a good thing.. no.. not really. You just took away my option and that's the last thing I had and it was riped away from me. I am a control freak. Or at least I try to be. Obviously you can't control everything, but I sure try. And it's just not right! It's not fair! It was supposed to be my choice and my actions that took it away, not the other way around! I was to grow with eating and feeling good about it, instead it's more controlling then ever and I HATE IT!!!
Im so sick of ppl saying that it's your decisions and you pick your path you can either be happy or not. Well how is that the case. I didn't get to pick it. I didn't have an option. So how is it that I'm 'blaming' or whatever this whole thing on something else instead of just facing the facts.
I desperately want to go back two years. I want to go back before Tom introduced me to EDA. Granted I met some great ppl. (in which I suck and haven't been good about communicating with either). But before that, things were fine. Ya Tom and I fought, but it wasn't anything like ended up happening. And I was again the one that had to take the blame.
To have a lawyer say that I'm the one 'falling on the sword' .. to me that's an obvious that I was not solely responsible for that night.
You know I wasn't just fighting Tom I was fighting everything in my life. I was fighting all those ppl that pushed me aside or put me down that made me feel that little and stupid. Finally I was stepping up for myself. And what did I get from it.. hah. I got told again how it was my fault.
I went off my diet this week. That was the first mistake. I mean I usually will have a mess up every other day or so, but this week it's been constant. And it's showing and I'm feeling it as well. I just don't know how to get back on board. I'm mad I'm frustrated I'm sad.. probably most of all I'm alone. I don't even have Ed .. my best friend has left my side. Well except he's still there telling me how WRONG I am. But the way I acted out before has disappeared. It's like a distant dream.
It's almost 3 a.m. here now. I'm exhausted and just to elaborate on something else. My brother in law and his wife defriended me on fb. Not like it's that big of a deal because it's fb, but more of a deal because why?! I didn't realize that I did or say anything that would cause them to do that. And it's annoying because over the past years it's like we were always welcomed to their house and visa versa, but they were not willing to come to our house and for us to travel 45 mins to their house with 3 kids was sometimes just annoying to me. So sorry that I didn't constantly want to do that. And maybe I'm overreacting.. I'm not sure. I had bought an outfit for their baby back in Sept. And we were supposed to meet up twice, but both times they canceled. So here I have this outfit in which now I'm just donating, but it's ridiculous to me how they think everyone should go out of their way to go to them. But I guess that's Tom's family for you. Mine would drop everything if needed where his would ask questions and say well I'm not sure. Mine just reacts and askes questions later.
So to say the least. I decided to write to both my brother and sister in law and say that it's obvious that they deleted me, and I wasn't sure why, that I guess it must have been something that I wasn't aware of, but that I wished the both of them the best and that was basically it. I don't expect nor necessarily want them to friend me again, I think to defriend someone is childish, that's my own opinon. But it's just the fact that they are supposed to be family. And if they want to get like that, well hey you weren't there at the hospital when Zaelur was there for 10 days, but hey we came over twice while your baby was in the hospital to see how you were doing. It's to me a one sided arguement.
It just doesn't help with the stress and being mad about Ed and having to deal with my upcoming appt. at USC with the Hepatologist.. it's just like frucking cut me some slack already.
Ahh.. anyways. Done with that garbage.
I do want my relationship back with Ed.. I know that's crazy but I really do. It scares me to think that it's gone. That it's ended and I didn't even get to cut it off. I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel like I'm selfish for wanting this but I also feel so desperate to have Ed that it's just the only solution to be happy. I really don't know :/
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Will Power
So this won't be so great of a blog.. might be triggering I'm not sure.
When I think of will power, I think how I can stay with Ed. Not how I can refuse to seek Ed. And when I mess up it's really frustrating.
To say the least I'm really frustrated.
I've lived my life a certain way for years.. years and years and years.. and here now I can't live that way. I can't get over that. I don't know how to. I am not sure how to take something that was such a part of my life and the way I lived and just be okay with it not being that way anymore.
It just annoys me .. more and more .. all I can think about is that if Tom would have let things be the way things were everything wouldn't be going the way they are. I would be living my life the way I had and I wouldn't have all these problems that are coming up. And yes, could I be wrong, probably, but it just amazes me that as soon as I let him talk me into it everything started coming about. Left and Right.. Spinning my head around and around. I'm lost!
There are just times that I wish I was better. I mean I'm now well still in the normal weight range but nothing even close to what I want to be. And I don't know how to get back to that cause I can't act out like I had. I try to eat 'healthy' but that only lasts so long and only gets me so far. I just feel like it's a losing battle.
Thought I was stronger then this:/
When I think of will power, I think how I can stay with Ed. Not how I can refuse to seek Ed. And when I mess up it's really frustrating.
To say the least I'm really frustrated.
I've lived my life a certain way for years.. years and years and years.. and here now I can't live that way. I can't get over that. I don't know how to. I am not sure how to take something that was such a part of my life and the way I lived and just be okay with it not being that way anymore.
It just annoys me .. more and more .. all I can think about is that if Tom would have let things be the way things were everything wouldn't be going the way they are. I would be living my life the way I had and I wouldn't have all these problems that are coming up. And yes, could I be wrong, probably, but it just amazes me that as soon as I let him talk me into it everything started coming about. Left and Right.. Spinning my head around and around. I'm lost!
There are just times that I wish I was better. I mean I'm now well still in the normal weight range but nothing even close to what I want to be. And I don't know how to get back to that cause I can't act out like I had. I try to eat 'healthy' but that only lasts so long and only gets me so far. I just feel like it's a losing battle.
Thought I was stronger then this:/
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Ed your pissing me off.. in more then one way!
So eventho I'm pretty sure I'll cont. to repeat myself. It's been really since July since I've been able to act out the way I want.
Which should be a good thing right?
Well my stupid mind takes it and twists it and says that it sucks because I didn't make the decision the decision was made for me and when it really comes down to it I would still be acting out if I could.
I really don't get it. That's the problem. I don't understand how one day I could go from being the way I was for 18 yrs to all of the sudden not being able to. And then to top it off, to gain as much weight as I have. Holy Shit! Seriously. I am not healthy and yet I'm gaining all this weight.. it's like COME ON ALREADY!!! GIVE ME A FRICKIN BREAK!
But that's not looking like it's going to happen anytime soon.
It's frustrating because I really should be happy that I can't act out right? I mean isn't that why I started this whole journey, was to become a better happier person with myself and not harm myself. Which instead all it's done is seem to make me more and more depressed and hating everything.
The part that is most frustrating is that I want to just turn back the clock. I want to go back to the way things were and how I was before I learned of my behavior. Before I spent money on Dr. and theraphy. I did at least feel happy then. Maybe it was just a disguse.. not sure but it definetly felt better then what I do now. Specially with all the medical problems. And for some reason I have convinced myself that if I wouldn't have gone down this road that everything in my body would have been fine and that I wouldn't be facing all that I am.
Well, tomorrow I go back to the 'eating low sodium diet'. Fun fun. I hate it. I just mainly hate the way it makes me feel afterwards. And the fact that I would be okay with certain foods (like drinking an ensure, but I can't do that.. too much sodium). I don't know.. if it's not one thing lately it's another.
Which should be a good thing right?
Well my stupid mind takes it and twists it and says that it sucks because I didn't make the decision the decision was made for me and when it really comes down to it I would still be acting out if I could.
I really don't get it. That's the problem. I don't understand how one day I could go from being the way I was for 18 yrs to all of the sudden not being able to. And then to top it off, to gain as much weight as I have. Holy Shit! Seriously. I am not healthy and yet I'm gaining all this weight.. it's like COME ON ALREADY!!! GIVE ME A FRICKIN BREAK!
But that's not looking like it's going to happen anytime soon.
It's frustrating because I really should be happy that I can't act out right? I mean isn't that why I started this whole journey, was to become a better happier person with myself and not harm myself. Which instead all it's done is seem to make me more and more depressed and hating everything.
The part that is most frustrating is that I want to just turn back the clock. I want to go back to the way things were and how I was before I learned of my behavior. Before I spent money on Dr. and theraphy. I did at least feel happy then. Maybe it was just a disguse.. not sure but it definetly felt better then what I do now. Specially with all the medical problems. And for some reason I have convinced myself that if I wouldn't have gone down this road that everything in my body would have been fine and that I wouldn't be facing all that I am.
Well, tomorrow I go back to the 'eating low sodium diet'. Fun fun. I hate it. I just mainly hate the way it makes me feel afterwards. And the fact that I would be okay with certain foods (like drinking an ensure, but I can't do that.. too much sodium). I don't know.. if it's not one thing lately it's another.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Thanksgiving
What can I say. I frickin hate and love turkey all at the same time:) So I didn't stay true to my diet. I made my gravy, had my potatoes, and stuffing. .. didn't care about the low sodium. Now does that mean in the back of my head I wasn't planning on what I always had every other yr. which is to just go purge. Oh ya. That's what I wanted. Unfortunately, my body.. not so much. Which just frustrates and aggravates me even more. It was a nice Thanksgiving tho. It was just Tom, me and the boys. I was able to cook in my small kitchen without being bothered and got everything done at the same time to be able to sit down together and enjoy a nice lunch together. I guess I should take that more then I should the fact that I'm just gaining weight. So Christmas doesn't have me looking forward to it to say the truth. The only thing is that I know that I can't do what I did for Thanksgiving.
And it's not something I'm looking forward to anyways as it is, mainly because I have to go to my in-laws because everyone is going to be there. But I am planning on having my food that I'm supposed to have on my diet to take with to eat. I gotta be true this time, because I know that I can't purge anymore and it's useless trying. So ya.
It's frustrating after 18 yrs for some reason my body just won't let me purge. And it hurts to bad for me to push it too far. I try hard and I fail and that's aggravating. But when it comes down to it. When I stay to my meal plan I actually do better. I feel better and I lose weight. It's when I go off it thinking that I can just purge afterwards or if I starve myself that things don't turn out the way I would like. Well, at least not what I was used to. I guess I just wished I could be like 'normal'. Be one of those ppl that could just sit down and eat and feel okay about it. That it's not going to make me look disguising. Guess there is a lot more that I have to deal with to accept who I am and be okay with who I am, even if that means others might not like it. It's who I am.
Now, Can I be wrong in my actions .. ya. And would I like someone to at least nicely say Trina.. come on:) .. and then I could at least be like I know.. ahh! But I don't want to be like treated because of one action that it was so horrible. Mainly because those who might be correcting me.. it's like hello. I know what you did.. where do you get off now acting like you never did that and that your somehow 'perfect'. That's like for my oldest per-say... I'm not even sure how he got so smart. It amazes me. I mean I know I was helping him when he was younger and teaching him to remember, but still.. he just amazes me. And when I get after him for his grades I tell him, you know I didn't get these grades when I was younger, and that I'm not trying to be mean but that I see what he has in him and that I know he can do it and I believe in him. I've always told him, that if he gets like a B.. yes a B:) but as long as he can prove that he tried, then I will gladly accept that. Even a C. (even though I don't think he should get C's. but ya.) In sports, if he played poorly.. I'm not going to lie, I'll tell him flat out he had a bad game. Not like I hadn't had those. But I'm not going to act like he did really good when he didn't. Okay I'm going off on a tangent here..:)
Anyways. With Ed. Thanksgiving sucked! But when it comes to what I felt yesterday sitting at the table with my husband and three boys and laughing .. it's starting to take a priority. Which is a BIG step for me. Can't say that it doesn't hurt that my boys love my cooking and they were happy we just stayed home and I cooked because "It tasted So good" .. that helped a bit lol.
It's taking me awhile.. and I figure it's going to take me a bit while longer. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I can accept being happy with what I have instead of constantly worrying about what food to eat and how much and what I'll look like .. blah blah blah.
One foot in front of the other right?
And it's not something I'm looking forward to anyways as it is, mainly because I have to go to my in-laws because everyone is going to be there. But I am planning on having my food that I'm supposed to have on my diet to take with to eat. I gotta be true this time, because I know that I can't purge anymore and it's useless trying. So ya.
It's frustrating after 18 yrs for some reason my body just won't let me purge. And it hurts to bad for me to push it too far. I try hard and I fail and that's aggravating. But when it comes down to it. When I stay to my meal plan I actually do better. I feel better and I lose weight. It's when I go off it thinking that I can just purge afterwards or if I starve myself that things don't turn out the way I would like. Well, at least not what I was used to. I guess I just wished I could be like 'normal'. Be one of those ppl that could just sit down and eat and feel okay about it. That it's not going to make me look disguising. Guess there is a lot more that I have to deal with to accept who I am and be okay with who I am, even if that means others might not like it. It's who I am.
Now, Can I be wrong in my actions .. ya. And would I like someone to at least nicely say Trina.. come on:) .. and then I could at least be like I know.. ahh! But I don't want to be like treated because of one action that it was so horrible. Mainly because those who might be correcting me.. it's like hello. I know what you did.. where do you get off now acting like you never did that and that your somehow 'perfect'. That's like for my oldest per-say... I'm not even sure how he got so smart. It amazes me. I mean I know I was helping him when he was younger and teaching him to remember, but still.. he just amazes me. And when I get after him for his grades I tell him, you know I didn't get these grades when I was younger, and that I'm not trying to be mean but that I see what he has in him and that I know he can do it and I believe in him. I've always told him, that if he gets like a B.. yes a B:) but as long as he can prove that he tried, then I will gladly accept that. Even a C. (even though I don't think he should get C's. but ya.) In sports, if he played poorly.. I'm not going to lie, I'll tell him flat out he had a bad game. Not like I hadn't had those. But I'm not going to act like he did really good when he didn't. Okay I'm going off on a tangent here..:)
Anyways. With Ed. Thanksgiving sucked! But when it comes to what I felt yesterday sitting at the table with my husband and three boys and laughing .. it's starting to take a priority. Which is a BIG step for me. Can't say that it doesn't hurt that my boys love my cooking and they were happy we just stayed home and I cooked because "It tasted So good" .. that helped a bit lol.
It's taking me awhile.. and I figure it's going to take me a bit while longer. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I can accept being happy with what I have instead of constantly worrying about what food to eat and how much and what I'll look like .. blah blah blah.
One foot in front of the other right?
Friday, October 26, 2012
Family
So I'm having issues... Go figure right:)
When don't I seem to have issues hah
So mainly right at this moment.. I miss my family. I miss being able to come home and see everyone. And now I can't do it and that alone just bothers me. It's not like every time I have gone back it was one thing or another that bothered me, but it was just something about my family.
I am not sure how to explain it. Things are said and it hurts and bothers me.. even over the phone.. but at this point I'm feeling I need to be closer to them. That I shouldn't have moved away.
I thought it was going to be a good thing to have the distance but now I don't know.
Shit IDK anything anymore. Every decision seems to be the wrong one :?
When don't I seem to have issues hah
So mainly right at this moment.. I miss my family. I miss being able to come home and see everyone. And now I can't do it and that alone just bothers me. It's not like every time I have gone back it was one thing or another that bothered me, but it was just something about my family.
I am not sure how to explain it. Things are said and it hurts and bothers me.. even over the phone.. but at this point I'm feeling I need to be closer to them. That I shouldn't have moved away.
I thought it was going to be a good thing to have the distance but now I don't know.
Shit IDK anything anymore. Every decision seems to be the wrong one :?
Thursday, October 25, 2012
So...
Well, lately I've just been sad. I've been upset that I can't really act out. I have nothing. I'm alone.
I've been wanting to cry for some time now. I mean I have cried but I really just wanted to cry my eyes out. The only thing was, I wanted my husband to like hold me and tell me that everything would be okay and it would be alright. That didn't happen. :/
I have to go get blood work done tomorrow and I'm thinking of canceling it .. I don't know what I want to do. I know I don't want to eat today but I will have to. Stupid medicine!
Then I have my Dr. appt. next week and I'll end up being honest. Mainly because I'm stupid and I just fess up lately. I don't deny things or lie. Also because I don't want ppl lying to me so then I figure if I don't lie they won't. (don't ask me why I figure that.. wouldn't be able to give a good answer).
My Dr. as far as I know doesn't know of my ED. The Dr. that sent me to him I did tell the first one and he sent everything but whether or not they really listened to me when I said I had Ed for the last 18 yrs. now that's another case. So, I might have to come out about it all and I'm really not in the mood to look at someone and tell them that I'm messed up. That I fucked up.. that I am a fuck up. Just don't need it right now. Or really ever.
So well whatever. I'm still having to eat. I'm still gaining weigh. I really just hate myself and I'm not sure what to do about that. Everyone tells me that I'm a horrible mom because I don't fight harder for my kids because I would die. And that just sucks. Just keep telling me I am failing yep.. that's helping.
Oh well.. :(
I've been wanting to cry for some time now. I mean I have cried but I really just wanted to cry my eyes out. The only thing was, I wanted my husband to like hold me and tell me that everything would be okay and it would be alright. That didn't happen. :/
I have to go get blood work done tomorrow and I'm thinking of canceling it .. I don't know what I want to do. I know I don't want to eat today but I will have to. Stupid medicine!
Then I have my Dr. appt. next week and I'll end up being honest. Mainly because I'm stupid and I just fess up lately. I don't deny things or lie. Also because I don't want ppl lying to me so then I figure if I don't lie they won't. (don't ask me why I figure that.. wouldn't be able to give a good answer).
My Dr. as far as I know doesn't know of my ED. The Dr. that sent me to him I did tell the first one and he sent everything but whether or not they really listened to me when I said I had Ed for the last 18 yrs. now that's another case. So, I might have to come out about it all and I'm really not in the mood to look at someone and tell them that I'm messed up. That I fucked up.. that I am a fuck up. Just don't need it right now. Or really ever.
So well whatever. I'm still having to eat. I'm still gaining weigh. I really just hate myself and I'm not sure what to do about that. Everyone tells me that I'm a horrible mom because I don't fight harder for my kids because I would die. And that just sucks. Just keep telling me I am failing yep.. that's helping.
Oh well.. :(
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