Things have been difficult to say the least. It doesn't help that my health issues are coming into play, but then to not go back to Ed or at least rely on Ed just frustrates me more.
I had a friend ask me the other day how I feel about it. And my honest reaction is Pissed! I get so mad that I cry and I feel like crap because I can't do it. I am not sure how to explain it, but it's the fact that now that food sits in me just makes me feel disgusiting and repulsive, and I want nothing more then to get rid of it. But I can't.
For those who dont understand it it's like well that's a good thing.. no.. not really. You just took away my option and that's the last thing I had and it was riped away from me. I am a control freak. Or at least I try to be. Obviously you can't control everything, but I sure try. And it's just not right! It's not fair! It was supposed to be my choice and my actions that took it away, not the other way around! I was to grow with eating and feeling good about it, instead it's more controlling then ever and I HATE IT!!!
Im so sick of ppl saying that it's your decisions and you pick your path you can either be happy or not. Well how is that the case. I didn't get to pick it. I didn't have an option. So how is it that I'm 'blaming' or whatever this whole thing on something else instead of just facing the facts.
I desperately want to go back two years. I want to go back before Tom introduced me to EDA. Granted I met some great ppl. (in which I suck and haven't been good about communicating with either). But before that, things were fine. Ya Tom and I fought, but it wasn't anything like ended up happening. And I was again the one that had to take the blame.
To have a lawyer say that I'm the one 'falling on the sword' .. to me that's an obvious that I was not solely responsible for that night.
You know I wasn't just fighting Tom I was fighting everything in my life. I was fighting all those ppl that pushed me aside or put me down that made me feel that little and stupid. Finally I was stepping up for myself. And what did I get from it.. hah. I got told again how it was my fault.
I went off my diet this week. That was the first mistake. I mean I usually will have a mess up every other day or so, but this week it's been constant. And it's showing and I'm feeling it as well. I just don't know how to get back on board. I'm mad I'm frustrated I'm sad.. probably most of all I'm alone. I don't even have Ed .. my best friend has left my side. Well except he's still there telling me how WRONG I am. But the way I acted out before has disappeared. It's like a distant dream.
It's almost 3 a.m. here now. I'm exhausted and just to elaborate on something else. My brother in law and his wife defriended me on fb. Not like it's that big of a deal because it's fb, but more of a deal because why?! I didn't realize that I did or say anything that would cause them to do that. And it's annoying because over the past years it's like we were always welcomed to their house and visa versa, but they were not willing to come to our house and for us to travel 45 mins to their house with 3 kids was sometimes just annoying to me. So sorry that I didn't constantly want to do that. And maybe I'm overreacting.. I'm not sure. I had bought an outfit for their baby back in Sept. And we were supposed to meet up twice, but both times they canceled. So here I have this outfit in which now I'm just donating, but it's ridiculous to me how they think everyone should go out of their way to go to them. But I guess that's Tom's family for you. Mine would drop everything if needed where his would ask questions and say well I'm not sure. Mine just reacts and askes questions later.
So to say the least. I decided to write to both my brother and sister in law and say that it's obvious that they deleted me, and I wasn't sure why, that I guess it must have been something that I wasn't aware of, but that I wished the both of them the best and that was basically it. I don't expect nor necessarily want them to friend me again, I think to defriend someone is childish, that's my own opinon. But it's just the fact that they are supposed to be family. And if they want to get like that, well hey you weren't there at the hospital when Zaelur was there for 10 days, but hey we came over twice while your baby was in the hospital to see how you were doing. It's to me a one sided arguement.
It just doesn't help with the stress and being mad about Ed and having to deal with my upcoming appt. at USC with the Hepatologist.. it's just like frucking cut me some slack already.
Ahh.. anyways. Done with that garbage.
I do want my relationship back with Ed.. I know that's crazy but I really do. It scares me to think that it's gone. That it's ended and I didn't even get to cut it off. I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel like I'm selfish for wanting this but I also feel so desperate to have Ed that it's just the only solution to be happy. I really don't know :/
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