Wanting hope

I woke up at 2:30 a.m. .. sat up and watched some tv cause I was hoping that I'd fall back asleep. Oh just in case I haven't said I haven't slept in my bed since Xmas day.

I know it's easily to say that he should keep my secrets. But to do it in the way he did.. I know now that I can only trust myself. So I keep everything in.. ya not good.

But here this morning I actually will be running around in a bit. But just wanted to get on and explain how much he is affecting me. I'm not sure if this is just a toxic relationship and I should somehow try to get out. Problem is I have 3 children. Yes my oldest is with another relationship from hs, but my husb has said that he would make sure I didn't have my kids. He was drinking when he said it, but does that give him the right?!?! And I fear that I would lose them.

I guess in one way I've hurt myself for so long I can deal with another 14 yrs of it. But that's not what I want.

I know life is not a bed or roses but I'd like to be happy. The other night he hurt me because I went on a drive with him and said (it's my made up work) ish-a-ba and he tells me how much he hates it when I say that. Not in a good way but that I could not ever say it again. And the word is like in my head def. just plain non-sense. Like when your driving and that person cuts you off .. I say ishaba. Like wipe it off your shoulder move on to the more important things in life. Cause some ppl are really fucking rude:)

Thing is tho.. I think I can say whatever I want to say.. especially since it's not offensive. It's not a curse word and for that fact.. I don't care as long as you don't mean it in mean way. I know others don't agree with my opinion on curse words but I personally feel that if you are going to say ANY word in a purpose to hurt someone, then that's just as bad as Bitch, I don't like to say the C word, Damn, Shit, Asshole, Fuck. If you are saying it in a manner that your trying to hurt someone isn't that as bad as saying your an idiot??? You look like a whore or slut? The intent to me is what I believe is when it is a curse word. And you don't have to agree with me .. I'm just saying my opinion.

Back to the main point is my husband actually 3 yrs ago introduced me into an online group for ed. And that was from me saying that I needed him again. I just felt like we were not communicating. This group lead me to this (which he dislikes) .. It was everything I did he didn't like how it was going. I was going to dr. appt. to my therapist. I was asking others their diets to be able to do it on my own. Then he tells me how wrong it was me to be in contact with these ppl. Didn't help that about the time the site we chatted on went down, but even then..

I have asked him to go to counseling, which he did .. Once. He brought home this 100 things to do with your wife and asked me to pick what I'd like. And I said I would like to do it together. Just cause I might like doesn't mean that he needs to do it.. ya only one walk together.. that was 3 yrs ago. Asked him to do a blog, he thought that was a great idea, yep he's only done one. I've quit it now. Just recently I read this statement that said when you are get married you have a box. That box is empty. The only way that you can get something out of it is if you put something in it. Me, obviously being dumb now looking back thought lets put notes in it saying what we want to do for others.. again he thought it was a great idea. Did it Once Again. And it had nothing to do with putting into our relationship but on him. I threw the box away. Then he tells me he'd rather email.. guess how many emails I've gotten ???????

So Ed and I are reunited. :(