I don't know where my life is going to take me. Because a yr ago if you would have told me I'd be in this position. Well my first response would definetly of been run like hell. Altho it would have just caught up to me anyways.
I always go back and think if I did this or that. I tend to live in the past a lot. Specially now. Specially weighing what I do. And I know it's just a number but that number is what I want. It's like I worked so hard to get it and it was just ripped out from under my feet. There's nothing I can do about it either.
Eventho I purged I can't do it like I had. I thought I had tricked my body, which I had a couple times, but it caught on real fast. too fast.
And the fact that the stupid medicine makes me hungry. You would think just stop with the meds then right?! The only problem then is the AutoImmune picks back up and then I do stand a high chance of not seeing my kids grow. That's the only reason why I care. I probably should care enough not to want to act out as well, but that just seems to be on a different level.
What annoys me is when ppl say I need to learn a different copying mechanism. I have looked and everything I read it's just like nope nope nope.. I mean I like to do things like go on walks or listen to music but that doesn't change my mind. Once my mind is set there's no changing it. That's what has to change and I have to figure that out.
So after weeks. Almost a month I am going to attept this again. My reasoning is that hopefully I'll lose weight again, but if I gain I know I'll panic. I just pray that I can. And I'm accepting that I won't be what I was but I just want to be at a comfortable weight. So it's not like a big deal, just a big enough deal to me. And maybe then I won't be crying so much.
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