What's new.. not much.

So I have gone back to my behaviors. All I want to do all day is to listen to music.

Since my b-i-l (bro in law) passed.. things have really just gotten worse. I can't be there for my sister I feel helpless. I can' apparently do the right thing by my children/husband/mother.. It's just heartbreaking.

And it doesn't help with the schedule that I'm to keeping up with .. I've put too much pressure on myself and I can't seem to make things get to this place or that place, so then I'm having to last second cancel. Really tho I feel like I'm trying to get a reason to not go back to the doctors. ..

Eventho this sounds likes a BIG excuse..  We just don't have the finances either. And the times that I think that maybe it'd be better if I just wasn't here. Then at least the kids would have something.. or so I think ..

I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide! Just saying that sometimes I feel like my medical reasons are taking away from them.. It does bother me. Guess it's guilt. Really that's not a hard conclusion to come to.

Then there's another subject I want to address .. friends.. I don't have them. Tom tells me it's not me but how could I not feel like its not me?!?! The only friend I know I have is my sister and she's hurting so I don't want to bother her with my problems.. my little problems compared to hers. Idk.. idk if I would even want to trust anyone anymore. As soon as I open up .. I get stabbed someway or another.. so eventho I'm married with 3 children I am alone.