For some reason I have always convinced myself that my relationship with Ed wasn't so intense as it was. ... Well it's Big!! BIG!
It's more then a break up with a bf.. it's a marriage that I feel like I can't live without. And it's a definite Love/Hate relationship.
I want to feel good about myself and be able to tell everyone else how well I am, but the other part of me feels like the only part of me that will be accepted is if I act out with Ed. and we all know too well how ed feels on that one. OH yes.. he Loves It!! And part of me loves it as well.
I just don't understand myself. I allow myself right now to be dictated by the morning. If I wake up and I'm iffy.. well then it's a "Bad Day". NO changing it either. And then I'll somehow try to convince myself that it's just that day and I'll start all new the next and we'll be on the right track. Which lately my track is all over the place!
I do feel good tho when I do have a good day. Can't say I like the scale so much tho. I'm already 'overweight' in my mind so to continue to go on this strict meal plan to not lose any weight just discourages me even more and .. well then I tend to just drown in my own tears.
I just wished there was someone that I could truly relate to. Understanding that I have to put myself last because of my kids and husband but at the same time am almost selfish (cause I consider Ed as being selfish in my situation). It's just hard feeling completely alone but yet surrounded my many. I don't know how to handle it. :(
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