I did it!

So I was finally was able to purge again. So who won?!?

ED does a damn good job or saying in my mind YA YOU DID IT!!!! WOohoO!:)
Finally! You've only just got to keep going.

It's crazy to say aloud but it's not crazy when it is how I've been the most part of my life. When I first purged here (I've had a couple back to back days) my reaction was like so frickin happy couldn't believe it.. I did it I finally did it again. I was in control again.

I don't know what to say. What I know is that not too long ago I was content with me. And now .. I'm all over the place. I can't see anything I like anymore. I want to, I remember what I liked about me and I think about that but then I see myself in a mirror or reflextion and it brings me back to reality .. that that's all gone.

They really mean it when it's said that it's like breaking up with someone. One moment your content and happy with how things are going and the next you so despreately need it back in your life.

I have so many thoughts going threw my head, and there's just so much going on in my life between obligations and appts that I don't know how to get it out. I want some ME time and it's the last thing that I can have right now.

It was kinda funny this last time I was out to LA to meet my transplant team. When I talked with my Social worker and then also my nutrionist my husband was like oh she does so good keeping track of this or that and blah blah. And I just smile and said ya it's my eating disorder. He's like no.. and both of them were like yes it is .. it's all about control.

I know I have major control issues. It's never enough I always need to do more. I can't even stand to write sometimes because I dont like the way it looks so then it has to get redone to get redone. Just simply annoying.

Tomorrow is a new day. I know that.. I say that. What does it mean tho ?! *shrug*

Because I have to keep track of my calories, protein and sodium I can easily get discouraged. And then the fact that I have to weigh myself every day. Actually that one probably isn't so bad because I would have done it anyhow Heh. So at least now I have permission. Ya I always find a way to make it okay even when I know it's not.

Just really wished I could be normal when it comes to food. It's either I am upset because of the # or I am because I'm restricting. (and not losing any weight that I've gain.. VERY Frustrating!) But even then my dr. would not be happy with me. They wouldn't be happy with me if I told them now but if they could see it .. ya .. Idk.. there's probably no difference. But Ed gets in there and is like well you haven't made a difference so really your okay. F&ck.

So here we go new day. I will lay my head down and hopefully in the morning I won't despise you so much. Can only hope.