Not Lying

Seriously I refuse to. I might not hold up to what I hope for myself but I'll be completely honest about it.. done hiding and trying to protect Ed.

After I went back home I haven't been able to pull myself out. I keep saying at night that tomorrow I will but then tomorrow comes and I feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I just can't seem to do it.

I feel Guilty. Hate saying that I'll do something and then turn out not doing it! I don't want to be a liar! And I don't know how or what to do. I'm trying slowly.. finally. I made myself have an ensure, so at least I got some nutritious.. and I don't feel guilty about that. I can drink things and feel okay about it.. but food.. Not okay right now! I need to get back where I was. I can feel the affect. I don't like it either.

Part of me of course is happy that I lost the weight but I hate myself all at the sametime! Guess I am being selfish. You bitch for saying that to me! (my mom).

I've tried SO hard to forgive her for things. But then she does it again and it's like WHY????? Why am I supposed to forgive this!? Time doesn't heal all wounds that's for sure.

At least with Tom I can be 100% honest. More then that.. probably TMI haha! But he's been good about it. Pacient and knowing that I can get back on track. He's letting me have my little fit. And I appreciate it!

I just don't want to end back up in the hospital.. I can't take away from my kids anymore. And yet I don't know what more to do:(