So sad.. :(

Okay I know I talked about my b-i-l death.. it's just that I feel those days that my sister is hurting and it just makes me feel upset. I can't help that. She didn't deserve that.. I feel like I should have. She deserved so much more and here she is ..

My husband will ask when I'm crying why am I crying and I just say I feel it.. completely out of nowhere .. I know that she's hurting. I know she doesn't want me to call her right then. Cause I have before and I can hear in her voice she just wants to be alone. I get that .. 100%. So I wait until the next day and then I'll ask was yesterday a bad day and she'll say umm... ya... and it's just like even tho were are thousands of miles apart I feel it. Sounds so stupid but every time it is the truth.

And do not get me wrong I am not trying to take away from her in the least bit.

We were close off and on. We would fight but nothing like fight without talking, it was just she's older then me and she had her life I had mine. So it was hard to get in touch and sometimes I didn't even think about it.

But we did/do have good times. She has done SO much for me that I can't even express. She helped out all the time. Just even this last spring last second she flew down so that I could go to the doctors. And I think that's what hurts the most. She's bent over backwards for me and she didn't deserve this.. I should have. I know sounds selfish in a way but it is how I feel.

I suffer in my own way, and I guess I just don't want her to suffer like that.

And I'm pissed.. how can you be so selfish to take your life and knowing that you are leaving everyone behind?!??!?!??! It's just not right!!!! I kinda wished he would have lived so that I could slap him!

But then I turn around and pray for him to be in heaven. I mostly pray for my sister tho, that in some way somehow she'll find her next best friend. In philip.. chances not so good.. well I guess you never know so I shouldn't say that.

A problem for me is that Ed seeps in.. and then it's a start over. I don't do well with change. I actually HATE IT!!! despise it..I like my routines. Then I get Tom on my back and it's just annoying. Which then pushes me even farther instead of helping. I mean cause he's done anything ??? really!! He wouldn't even go to counseling with me.. no I'm wrong he went 3 times out of the countless times I did.. but even when we went it was about our marriage more then about me Ed.. so I'm confused on what he thinks he knows.

Can you tell I'm pissed. Anger is always an easier outlet. At least for me anyways...