When the Music's not forgotten

with music. It just does something to me that I feel like dancing like a fool acting like a fool .. just being happy.

Now some songs make me want to cry, but even those songs release a calm in me that I just need.

I like this song tho because I replace Music with me. When I'm not forgotten. Right now I only know for certain so many things. God is right now the only one behind me, and it's just not enough right now.

I'm facing so much, and I'm scared to death. I feel so terribly alone. All I want to do is cry. I have to deal with shit that I never thought I would have to. And I'm just so afraid and worried and .. Alone. The hardest probably is the unknowing.

Then to have people again attack you ..
it's just like PLEASE STOP! Like please!! Just please. I can't take it anymore. I'm so broken I can't take it.
Just stop!!!!!





I just don't know how to do this anymore. I'm going to attempt it again. I need to attempt it again. But I'm scared as hell to gain the weight. I have a friend tho that gets me, only problem is she does worry me with her Ed. I would do anything for her right now. If she asked me to come I would do anything and everything to make sure that happened. She's became so much to me, more then she'll probably know. I just want her to reach 92. I smile when I say that. She gets me, probably the only person that ever has.. so I love her to death. I just hope that death for us will be a long long time away. Just hope and pray.

Letting GO

How do I let go??

How can I say goodbye to the the one thing that has always been there? Obviously is destroying me but in the same sense at least I got to destroy me first. I get to destroy me just in the same point that everyone else is.


Why I allow them in?! Why I allow them to decide that I am broken and sad .. why they just get to push my face farther into the dirt. I don't get it.


So to say the least.. I was allowing myself to eat .. each day but then I saw what it did and then I got to deal with a conversation, which also put me in my place again.


My convo, was basically how horrible of a mother I am .. so ya .. I guess I am.. I guess the fact that they get into trouble when they don't do their homework .. or don't pick up clothes off the floor to put away.. yep I'm horrible.. it is what it is.. I can't say anything more. Now could I say I'm the best mother .. no .. not a chance, who is?? But can I say that I try my best and to give them the most happiness that they could have .. I'm trying hard as hell!


So to let go of the one thing .. the only thing that has been there .. thru thick and thin. The one person that looked at me and saw what I feel inside. My biggest supporter my biggest strength. The one that makes sure I'm going to feel.


Only problem is I don't want to die from this. I really don't. I don't want to see my friends that I have made die from this. God they deserve so much more. From family, from others. Oh they deserve a life of dance.






So today I am with Ed .. we're tight again. Tomorrow, who knows but today we're thick as thieves.

I Am My Mothers Daughter

:(

All I ever wish for is to be a boy. If I was a boy she would have like me. I would have not gotten into so much trouble. It would have been okay.. if I was a boy.

I'm not a boy tho. I'm a girl who got called a whore a slut. Told I was going to get pregnant by the time I was 16 because my sister had gotten pregnant. Told I was stupid I should do better.

What did I take from it?? I need to do better. I'm not do good enough. Put more out there push yourself. Then Ed came into the picture.. He's been in my picture for awhile and yep.

Ed tells me you tried at least hard enough.. did enough . when honestly I hadn't.

I am becoming my mom.. :( .. and that doesn't look well .. I'm not trying to completely throw her under the bus to punch her (maybe that's what I want to do) but I am not out to destroy her. But now I am becoming so over impulsive that the kids have to have this and do that.. why tho?? What difference does it make. ???

I had boys .. thank the lord. I do believe he knew that I couldn't have a girl. I'd destroy her just like I have been destroyed. Thank the lord!

You Are More

I love that song and hate it all at the same time!

Amazing how the long/hate relationship that always seems to be in my life.

No one seems to love who I am. What I am. What I do. How I do it. I just always seem to fail at it. The biggest problem is I like me. I know me. I'm not bad. I might not say the 'right' thing or the 'correct' thing at the time. I make mistakes. I own them.

I am ME:)

Okay here we .. you ready:)


I love me.. not enough to not hurt myself. Mainly because I want everyone else to love me too.


That makes me sad to say. I really don't believe that I've done that much to have hurt people so much. And if you tell me that I have.. I try my best to own it. I believe in owning your mistakes. Might not have intended them but own it because that's the only way that you and whoever or what can move threw it.


Either way.. I like to be alone. I know Ed likes me to be alone, but I like to be alone because then I get to smile. I think I'm just a lot more then what others think I am. That's why I like to be alone. Being in my seclusion I just smile. Like right now.


I just smile. I listen to music and I feel so alive. Perfect to be honest.


My thoughts of being perfect isn't something out of a magazine. I look at ppl and say they are beautiful. And honestly there are definitely times that I bless myself that God created me the way he had.. appearance wise.. that I don't look that way on the outside. (I know that's vain but I'm being honest). And with that also being said. I've started to see they are more beautiful then I ever could be.


You look at the children with a medical problem whatever it is and they are gorgeous.


I remember when I was about 12 ?? close or to around that. We could go to prom and one sister had asked her brother to go to prom that year because that year he had gotten diagnosed with cancer .. and you never know. So he went thru chemo, lost all his hair at that time. And two A-holes made fun of him.. he was around the age of 10 and I think that's when I started looking at others pain and seeing that they deserve so much more. That is me.. I feel and hurt .. I want to make them not feel how much I hurt.


I just want to be comfortable not only in my skin but in my mind. I want and desperately need to have others at least understand that they might not understand but that's okay. NO wait.. that's not okay. If you don't understand .. turn around and walk. LEAVE ME ALONE .. LET ME LIVE .. I want to be happy. I I I I I .. I need to be happy. At least a bit. I need to feel that I can smile.


When I look into the mirror.. you know some of you might see this or that. I see my lips. I like my lips that's not what I'm getting at.. I see the wrinkle alone side them. The one that you see that frowns. And I look and think .. wow.. this is how said I've been. And I keep looking in the mirror .. telling myself cheese. Cause I want to fix those wrinkles. I don't want to look at see how sad I've been I want to be happy. Specially now.


That's where it comes in that I am me. I have a tummy.. with stretch marks thanks to Brayd:) I have thick thighs, .. weird long legs, but the one thing I won't allow anyone to say is I have these beautiful Great Eyes that I make sure when you are talking to me I look at you .. because when I do you get to see into me.

Hmm.. ?!

I AM SOMEBODY BECAUSE GOD MADE ME

I had an abortion when I was 18. How can I be someone that is gods creation ??

So I got pregnant when I was in high school. I remember it all. And I don't need to go into depth about it. It was a choice that I made. I made it. I made it. And here comes the BUT.. I experienced the other way. I had to lay there at night listening to my parents.. shit no .. my mother screaming at my sister.

My sister is beautiful. She's so kind. I love her to death. She'll do anything for you. And she enjoys you. I just love her. She is the life that I wished I could have. I believe in her so much always have. There's just not anything mean I could say about her. She's beautiful.

Well shit, wtf .. WTF! I got an abortion when I was 18. Everything that I was taught and believed to be against. and it's what I did. Because we all knew that my mother would be the bitch that she is.

Guess what I lost?? I lost my scholarship. hah. the one that I wasn't even trying to get!

I actually had colleges contact me to go to their schools and giving me scholarships and that to attend. What did I want. I wanted to go to MN to a school that had no interest in me.

I've always wondered why I wanted that. What it was about that school. The one that had no clue who I was. The one that I would have to prove myself to to be apart of the team. Why that was what I was seeking. I still don't know the answer.

But I had to sign where my mother wanted me to. She didn't even allow me to see the others .. I had to sign. If I knew what I know now.. I would have told her to shove it! I had a full scholarship to just a 2 yr program but that transferred everything. That to me was a deal. but the bitch had to have what SHE wanted. Who cares about what I wanted ?? It's not my life apparently.

I had that abortion. I don't even care if you've ever had one. What I remember .. how I felt. I was alone. And have since then been in this world ALONE.

Now to say that God loves me.. Love myself..

Who can love me? I can't love me. I hate me!

To have my mother say the shit she does to me.. I think I'm starting to get a bit more out there. She better start watching herself because she doesn't know what will come out of me. She needs to start praying for the sins that she has done and said. She needs to start understanding her wrong. And I am getting close that if she doesn't. I will push her to that point. Because I'm tired of hearing the shit that she puts in my ears.

That stupid bitch!

Fucking wrong part of it is that I want her apart of my life. The fucking bitch.
Ya I'm pissed! I'm mad I'm hurt I'm sad. Who deserved that. Who still deserves it. And to have someone tell them it didn't happen. YES IT DID! You fucking bitch!

Alright.. done for now. I need to go to bed. She doesn't understand what she has done to me. She'll never understand. Even if she read this she'd just take something and twist and turn it to make it be my fault.

It is my fault tho. I have allowed you and everyone else to control my feelings.. to continue to control them. SO .. yep you go that.. Yay I'm glad that you won. Own it.. Be proud. That's usually what you want and desire.. be proud!

Forgiveness

It doesn't mean if you forgive someone for what they have done or not. Doesn't mean things were okay.

I'm having a hard time with forgiveness. I don't know how to accept things that have happened and are done and said. I can't let go because I feel like I didn't deserve what I was handed .. there was no reason that I should have been treated that way and I don't know how to just accept that it happened and move forward.


What is says is "I refuse to be locked in a prison where the bars are made of bitterness and hatred for the rest of my life."

My life is around bars. I am bitter. I am sad. I'm hurt. I feel like I need to treat those who hurt me just as badly as they did to me. They need to feel this. They need to understand what they did to me. For instance my husband. He needs to realize what he did to me. How he wrote on my slate and helped to create what I am. I don't think he gets it and I don't know if he'll ever 'get it'.


"If you allow it it changes you as a person, a woman, a wife, a mother."

And that is has.. it has changed me .. I've became a person that I don't know if I like so much. People have done things to me that I don't get why they would. What I caused for them to treat me the way they did. But they did. And all I can think is that some way .. one way or another.. I deserved it. Just trying to figure out what it was that I did to deserve it tho..


Things have changed me. I did become a spiteful person. As a wife, I really don't like my relationship. As a mother.. I would hate me if I was a child. I hate thinking that my children should hate me because of who I've became.




It's hard to forgive when someone continues to smash your foot while trying to forgive them.


Make peace with who you are.

That's probaly the hardest statement. Make peace with me? When everyone and anyone has told me that I'm not good enough. To except me.. that's hard. Harder then most would know.

Find peace within yourself. Cause you can't give away what you don't have.

If you haven't forgiven people and yourself for letting it happen then you don't have anything to give.

I don't necessarily agree with that. I give a lot more then what I have. I believe almost in treating others better then myself. Others deserve it more. I don't. :(

Why do I .. Me I.. have to accept that someone else treatment me like shit?? Why??? I don't think that's right nor fair .. nothing! I can't agree with it! Just can't!

Do for others.

Seeing the pain of others.
I try. I don't know a lot of these people and I just want them to walk away from that moment and say she doesn't even know me and she cares. I try.

And it's not that I want anything from them. Well no I do. I want them to say this person who I don't know.. that I probably won't see again .. and when I come across someone that I can just impact them a little.. I will. That's what I want.

I am very upset that people are so rude now.

Standing in line at the grocery store if someone behinds you have less allow them to go before you.

If someone sneezes say God Bless You.

If you need to go in front of someone say excuse me.

Teach your children to be thoughtful and kind to the rest of the humans around us. Regardless if they are like homeless or thieves or murders.. teach them that they were a man of God that he created so you are supposed to be compassionate. Understanding. Forgiving.

I'm just so tired of the anger that exists.

I understand that it will be there.. that people don't know how to address their emotions. I just can't understand the rude when someone hasn't brought it amongst themselves. Idk. I just know I can't stand it.

So to speak of Forgiveness. I haven't. I have no forgave so many people in my life. Which right now working through that is hard! Forgiveness sounds so easy.. It's not. If it is.. then you are not forgiving them.

I haven't deserved my plate.

I always think of the saying Dr. Phil says.. it's not why you are this way but why you wouldn't be. That is me.

It's Just Me

Ed and Me

Well it's just ME right?? I mean if I just get help and just figure out how to FIX me then everything will just be hunky-dory. Right ?? I mean come on it's just me.. I'm the problem!

I hate that! I can't stand being told that if I just would change then everything would be wonderful and perfect.

Pretty sure that others helped to create the person that I am. The one that is hurt and mad at the world. Now the person who wants to give and have other smile that's the one I like and I feel is who I created.

Here's my definition of me. There's two by the way =)

1. Here's the one that everyone has walked on and aided to create a mean spirited person. One I have my mother. Who is able to twist and turn things so that it's my fault. Always was my fault. Anything that happened that was wrong was MY fault. I wasn't ever good enough, smart enough, athletic enough.

I think that's why I took losing state volleyball so hard. I did blame myself. I still blame myself. If I would have just gotten over myself we could have won. And ya it's a team and there's no I in team, but that's how much it meant and means to me. I wanted to show everyone that I was good enough and instead we lost.

Then comes in my relationships. I always tended to go for those who treated me like shit. I guess that's what I thought I deserved was crap. I would always put myself 100% out there and I always got back nothing that I thought I should have. Lies, deception.. I never got why when I'm the one being there for you, you would treat me like that. I still don't get why people treat me that way.

So now I don't like you .. I don't trust you .. I don't believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Cause all your going to do is take what I give and crumble it up like garbage.

So this side of me has a lot of hate towards others. Hate so strong. I actually don't really believe in the word hate. I think hates just an easy way of saying hurting and sadness. It's easier to come defensive and having that wall up then letting someone see me vulnerable. Mainly cause when I have been an easy target.. I get hit from all sides. So I would rather come across being a bitch then being sad.



To wrap this up.. I'm tired of people saying "it's me" Really cause I'm pretty sure if you weren't an ass maybe I wouldn't be this far into Ed and have such a tight relationship with him. Maybe. I know that I shouldn't blame someone else for what I'm choosing to do, and in that same breath maybe they should have treated me a bit better so that I didn't need to turn to Ed. But it's just me .. Ya I definitely rolled my eyes when I typed that!


2. The is the person that I like:) I love to smile. I love laughing. Laughing is awesome. I cry when I see something happy or if I feel upset for someone. It doesn't matter what it is. I was in church and a couple isles in front of me was this one lady and she was crying. And it instantly made me cry for her, so I prayed that whatever it was that was troubling her that God would be there for her to comfort her and that she would feel better soon.

I love to give to others. Not necessarily materials, but just respect or even just to donate. I feel like giving to those that even though they have no idea who I am, that they get this warmth inside of them that someone cares. That they are cared for.

And this part of me loves to have my children learn that we need to look out for each other. To be there for one another. How to treat another person with respect regardless of who or what they are. God created them so that means they deserve just as much respect and we would want for ourselves.

Trust

Calm. Relaxed. Breathing slowly, deeply. Smiling. Living in that moment, that two seconds that last what seems to be forever. Seeing beauty in the oddest places.






Now if I could only trust. There are something I trust in. I trust in that there is a God and I believe in Jesus Christ. I don't have the 'reasons' that others might have other then that I believe because I believe. I don't think I have to tell you facts or reasons why I believe other then I believe.













Giving up my power of Ed is difficult. It's more difficult because others continue to hurt me. And why shouldn't I at least be able to hurt myself if they are going to hurt me anyways. At least I have that control in hurting me. I know it's coming it's not out of the blue. I'm ready for it when I hurt myself.






So far today has been a struggle in my mind. I'm supposed to fight and I'm trying. It's just hard to do. Ed is an addiction. But he's so much more then just an addiction and obsession with a body type. And to trust in something else that is 'supposed' to be better for me. Not even just something but someone. No one knows unless your in the same battle. People think that this is the same as a drug addict or an alcoholic. It probably has it's similarities but it's to me at least A LOT different. And to compare it it's just insane.







But I am letting go. I am doing my best at letting go. I can't believe how well I've done this past week.






Unfortunately something bad had to happen, and is happening.. it's not over yet. This is the road though I guess I was to take and walk.



So I'm walking, tripping and falling sometimes. Falling but standing back up.











Crying but wiping away tears,












screaming and then breathing calmly.






"Falling down is part of LIFE...Getting back up is LIVING"
John Erickson

My relationship with Ed

So today, I knew it was going to be hard. Not only because it's possibly day 7 of not giving into Ed. But just of all that went down last week. I really don't want to go into that because it is quite embarrassing and hurtful.

I'm really upset and stressed and just completely lost!

Last Monday was a horrible day.. along with Tuesday. Something that I would never want anyone else to go through. Tuesday I didn't get to eat much but I didn't purge. It wasn't my choice either on eating well it was in a way but it was too nasty that I couldn't even stand eating it.

Since then I've eaten 'normal' meals. I haven't had any alcohol.. just water. Won't even drink juice or soda. Just water. Then I did go and weigh myself. I gained weight.. a lot .. for you that don't know how this feels you won't get it.

Anyways, I wanted to just explain me and Ed.

I kind of think I have a different relationship .. maybe?? Maybe I don't. But it sure feels like most of my life I've been told I'm not good enough. I don't do this right or what I have to say and think doesn't matter. It's not worth someones time to listen to my opinion because I'm just wrong anyways.

Growing up as the baby of a family of 4 brothers and 1 sister. I was constantly told to just shh. I don't think I was ever really told to Shut Up, but I was definitely given that impression. I couldn't play games with the family because I wasn't good enough to play. When we would play like word games I would get made fun of because my words were simply.

So Ed stepped in. And even though doing what Ed tells me to do seems like he's mean and hurtful to me. He's actually probably my biggest supporter.

In sports Ed told me that your not even putting in 100% and look at how good you are! He tells me a lot of days how beautiful I am. How funny I am and that it's hilarious to watch me laugh at myself for being silly.

Lately he hasn't even looked at me and told me I look fat. Even right now when I gained lbs. He still looks in the mirror and says 'it's okay you can do it we can do it and you'll look great'.

He also say 'you don't need to take that from them'. 'You never should have taken that from them'. 'Your better then that'. He constantly tells me that if I just look this way I can go back and go SEE!! I am good enough. Look what you missed, you just had to put me down, and Now What?! Too bad for you .. you lost out!

Ed is my strength. He catches me every time. I feel like I could be standing on an edge and when I'm just about to fall he grabs me back and holds me and says he'll never let go. Not a bad let go. The one that you feel love from. That he'll never let me down like everyone else has.

Everyone thinks that Ed is evil. I'm not so sure. I kind of feel like everyone in my life has been evil/hurtful/nasty/Mean. Ed the only one that I've ever felt like I could trust.

I know it sounds weird to talk about Ed like if he was an actual person. It's obvious that he's not an actual person. But his thoughts are real to me and mean a lot to me. It's probably the only thing that gets me through a lot.

Saying Goodbye to him. Letting go of the one thing that has helped me through some of the hardest and roughest times in my life. Or just the frustrating times and stressful ones. Even the happy times I relied on him. To say no more .. It's not even just to say no more it's to say I'm done going to Ed but then to have people again hurt me it's hard to not just return to Ed.

I don't know where our relationship will go. I just know that even if he was destroying my body he was the only one that seemed to ever be there for me. To tell me I'm not stupid, I'm not ugly, I'm not incapable. He had a lot of good things to share with me. A lot of good things.

YOUR NOT BEING RATIONAL

=(

God I hurt so bad. and here comes ed in.. don't cry.. back up ..breath, and your going to be fine. Just keep it up you'll do it your fine.

Your all over the place. you are you are. Your on fire mode ever since I got home. That's what I get to hear from my husband. Who I thought was behind me 100%. The one who keeps telling me that he has my back but yet still continues to put me down just about at least once a week. Ya that makes me feel good and wanting to change.

Ed's the only one that 'has my back'.

Frustration

My frustration goes on all lengths..

It could be as simple as an idiot that doesn't know how to turn on their blinker to turn in or into another lane. Could be person who ask rude to me when I say excuse me and am trying to be polite and respectful.

Could just be my kids being loud laughing. That one really gets me.. the loud. There is something that even though I'm trying to see their fun and just smiles .. that the louder it gets the more my skin burns. And I don't like that! My life might be screwed up but I don't want theirs to be because of me. That's the worst thought in the world!

I hate and yes Hate.. I know it's a strong word but what has happened here?? People don't care anymore. It's just how much more I have and what are you in my space for .. I should have gotten that, Not you! How much more I can show on how GREAT of a life I have then you and your just like this little bug.. what are you here for??

I am here because there is a real good reason for it. I believe that. I believe that all of us with Ed have such a kind heart. We hurt so much so it is very easy to put up that wall .. I still have mine up! I can't let it go. So many have and continue to hurt me that I need that wall to protect me. And that alone is frustrating.

I don't deal with frustration. Frustration to me means hurt and angry and sadness. Fits me to the T but I don't like it and I don't like to confront it. Seems every time I try to push out of it and just live and be okay something happens that I have to go back to hurt/anger/SAD.

Tonight I wanted to play cards with the kids and Tom. The other week we started doing this and it makes me feel so calm and relaxed and just Smile. It's like the one thing I have. Last weekend we had a friend of Brayds stay over and it was SO much fun!! Felt really good. So now I just want to play when the kids don't have school the next day. I want to teach them so much. I want to give them something that they can carry on to teach their children. A tradition:) And of course tonight Tom doesn't want to .. so I just feel hurt and like 'it's just a dumb game' type of feeling. Like it put me down. I'm stupid. So then I get so upset. My wall, my ed comes in.

He makes sure I don't cry .. I go to my own world. I can let them see I'm mad.. but not hurt nor bothered in that way.

And I hold onto that.. can't let go of it. Specially when I told Tom how wonderful it made me feel.. how great it was to share with Braydens friend and how happy his friend was. That it was like I just gave you apart of me and you enjoyed it. I was proud. I was very happy. Made me feel not so stupid but just happy. like I was happy.

People can take that away from me in a heartbeat. Most probably don't even know they are doing that but it's so easy! I know it's my life and I shouldn't blame others and I really am not.. I'm just saying that I don't have control of me so others can control me very easily. What they say will hurt and piss me off. I'll know it's wrong and think what or how I handled it was right but it'll still eat at me that I just shouldn't have done that.

Well I'm going to end this journal for now. My frustrations are high and big .. a lot! Just hope some day I can overcome letting others "get" to me.

Quirks.. what's wrong with them?? I love them!

I LOVE IT!

It makes me ME. I don't do things right .. I don't necessarily do them wrong. At least I believe you don't get that say.. God does .. not anyone else!




I do things in that moment that I thought with the first thought was how I felt. It's how I felt. Sorry .. no not sorry. I don't need to apologize for me being me. Specially when I TRY so hard to make sure that I don't say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. To drive the wrong way. I feel like I am constantly trying to make sure that I don't do wrong by you (you meaning everyone and anyone!)

So I want to put pics on here of me in my 'weird'. How when I look at them it brings me joy but I always question what others think which I really need to Stop doing!
































The only problem that I have with me.. is that others have a problem with me. It makes me sad when I'm just trying my hardest to just laugh and smile and having someone keep pushing me down.

And right now it's more of looking back. I know past is the past you can't change it there's nothing to do about it. But I can't let go right now. I want to know why and what I did .. just why!




This has got to be one of my favorite pictures. It's just a memory first that I will never let go. Looking at the fireworks is one of my favorite things in life.
There's something about that silence to hear this boom that just makes me feel .. something I can't describe .. it's amazing! So the pic with Tom and I is just something no one could ever take away from me. Laying there looking up at the night and seeing these beautiful colors. I just wished people could see the dark in my but the sparks that come out. That I have something in me. That I'm not just a bitch! That I do love people ya I get upset I get mad I get hurt .. but if you need me if you are there for me .. I'll never walk away!

I'm quirky .. I love saying I'm quirky! I don't say the right things I don't do the right things.. but that's what I'm taking with my quirkiness.

If you don't want to be there for me .. with me.. WALK AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't need you! I am me and I'm tired of trying to be something for you.

I love to dance and sing and do stupid child activities but that's what I love .. so screw off if you don't like it cause you can find someone else!

=)

Music

So today I'm writing in my journal..

And I realize something that makes me smile and just BE.






There is something about the sounds that just lift me up. Something that makes me smile. Well some songs of course..
others make me cry and I love them just as much as I love the ones that make me want to get up and Dance! There is nothing more that I could ask then to just be free and be weird and wild and dance. Or the way that music impounds me.




I know Impound?! Impound that word.. but it's what I felt.


Music traps me. And I love that feeling. It surrounds me .. it wraps me up into everything. Being happy, being sad, being mad, angry, frustrated.I get it all just a release by hearing it. I don't have to say a word because the words in the song say everything for me. So I just get to sit and listen and breath. I get to have everything released for me from the song. No matter what I'm feeling I get it.. I feel it and I love it!




It takes me away. It takes me to this amazing place. Where like if you were to be sitting on the beach.. just feeling that breeze and just sitting back letting life have it's beautiful moments.

Now don't get me wrong I don't believe in this whole I deserve everything without working for it. I work for it. I have worked for it. I've worked just for a life that I deserve to live in.

I don't need money. I don't need gifts. I just want and desire for someone to be behind me. For once to say that ...

My whole point of music is that it gets me and it hits hard with me .. I connect with it more then anything else. I can't wait to start playing again. I want to start playing again. I want to hear just me and me alone and know that I'm alone because others will judge whether I'm good enough or not..

So music basically means a lot to me. It gives me a lot. ....

IDK

Yep .. hah

I always try to laugh when I feel I guess uncomfortable .. !!?

It's easy for me to put on that smile and pretend.

Mom taught me well on pretending! I hate pretending .. Ed is pretending!

It's crappy enough that I had to pretend for Ed... but then to pretend for 'me'. I hate it!

I looked at some older pictures yesterday and it put me back.. I don't exactly know why. I mean I was with Ed then. Just I guess, it's the fact that now I feel all the hurt where then I was putting on that smile .. the front. Where now I feel everything and I keep wanting and trying to smile but I am just really sad. And stuck.

I remember when I was little.. about 4.. we lived in the country and we had a little damn that we'd go swimming in. I can't believe I ever did that.. specially cause there were snakes in there that you'd feel go by your legs and I'm surprised I didn't ever just scream when that happened, but for some reason it was just something that was. And I was okay with it .. then Definetly not now:) haha. But the one time I tried to come out and there was like probably close to 5 ft of mud. Well I got stuck. My feet and about half way up my calves were in the mud. I couldn't move! My dad had to get the tractor and lower down the bucket to then pull me out. He saved me=) He pulled me out. I can't but smile when I say that. He pulled me out. It was someone there .. when I'm looking back now it's just I wished I had someone to pull me out now.

That tractor was the best too. I don't know how old it was or anything. It was red, and the seat was so uncomfortable. It was one of those that like had the middle part that rose up to have like 'two check sides' is how I always thought of it. lol Dad used to let me drive it. It was fun to learn how to drive a tractor. And it was open cab. So in the summer it was .. oh it was just beautiful. Nice and toasty is what I always say. But the sun out and the sky just so blue .. with nothing around. Just the sound of that tractor..

The other tractor that he had for the winter. Oh that was the best. He'd tie up the sled to the hitch and then would go and it was Bobby, Kim and I on the sled and dad would go faster and then slower and we'd have to duck cause we were going to go under the tractor. Funny how now-a-days people would freak out of that. But that was the funnest thing. I so loved those winter days on the farm.

So back to Ed. IDK! I hate him and love him .. I'm just sad. And usually mad comes out then cause Ed does a good job at being my wall of defense. I am just sad.

My husband

I meet my husband when I was 23. I remember him walking into the hotel where my friend was having her reception for graduating from college.

He was wearing khaki pants, a blue sweater and his baseball hat.. God he was so adorable. I mean he still is to me but he really took me away in that moment. I remember going to my friends (fiances at the time) his room.. and just ya.. :)

We met up later on that night at the bar and from then on.. he was with me. With me. With every part of me. Wow....

I told him about Ed within the first week that we were together.. I don't know why he's stayed!

I mean don't get me wrong he's done things wrong to me.. he hasn't done what I feel a Man should do but he is trying to make it better.. and I guess I can't critize that because I'm trying to make me better so how do I something about another in the same aspect. I just shouldn't!

We got married almost a yr and half after we met.

It was a weird day. Like if you believe in superstition things.. well.. my dress ripping not once but twice and then my rose falling off my bouquet. My family having .. no not my family .. my mother. Why she would act like that on my wedding day was ridiculous. But is what it is ..

But on another note.. he gets me one way or another.... =).. he completely gets me.. or at least he's willing to 'deal' with me. That means a lot!! A LOT!

I'm always all over the place. I'm up and down I'm happy and then I'm crying and he's just always there. Ya we fight he gets upset but who wouldn't?? How could you deal with the crap that I deal?? So it's hard when it happens and in that moment but afterwards I completely understand where he is coming from.

One thing I can say is I took my vows .. Vows are HUGE to me.. they are not just words they are promising and promising mean that you NEED to put everything into it! You need to constantly work at it. It's not just this simple thing of 'words' .. words are words! Actions now they are different! And I believe and go by my vows being actions.

I have a honestly wonderful family.. I have three boys that I wouldn't trade in for the world.
I would throw myself in front of anything for them just so that they had a life that they'd be okay with. I have a beautiful family..


























I couldn't ask for more for me.. Except to leave Ed at the curb. But he's just there with me and I can't let go of that grip. I'm trying.. trying- ish.. It's hard.

But I am glad that I have Tom there.. ya there are definitely times that he does/says things that just hurt and hit hard but I'm know starting to believe that he's 'there' for me. That I have someone behind me. Someone.. It means a lot too.


It's what gives me hope. Us .. It's like it's something other then Ed and me .. it's starting to be Tom and me. As ridiculous as that sounds that's what goes in my mind. I am having a hard time letting go but it's nice to know that maybe .. perhaps.. someone else cares for me just as much and will back me up like that.

Well that is my husband. He's an ass .. quite a bit:) But I'm sure I'm not the sweetest haha! I love him. I really do love him and would do as much as it could take for us to both be happy with one another. He makes me laugh he makes me smile and I'm so glad that we met. Love you!

Gental

Why is it so hard for us to be nice to US??

Why do we constantly have to put everyone else before US?

For me I know a lot of people think that I was just a bitch. But that was my wall .. that was my ed.. that was my protection so that you couldn't get in and hurt me. And still can't get in.

I look at blowing bubbles and see how careful and thoughtful and calm you have to be with it.. It's amazing how something that you don't even realize in life you can relate to. That my bubble it might burst... it might not if I take care of it. If I just protect it. And I have to start protecting me.

I love this pictures of Zaelur.. he's like so patient so relaxed and proud at the same time. It's hard to explain why a simple picture would express so many different things. It's like you can see in his hand how careful he's being. Like it's glass that if the slightest slip will break.

At times that's where I am. I do well and then that glass falls and I slip and I'm back to where I'm confident in. Which is ed. Ed makes me feel strong and confident. He's so great at it too! Like there's no one else that can make me feel so wonderful and so proud of myself other then ed .. at least for right now .. I hope so anyways because I really don't want this life to continue on ...

I want better I want more for me and for my family!

I feel somewhat lost.. haha that's a joke. I AM LOST! I am having such a confusing hard time letting go of ED. It's really hard when others say things. I don't know why I allow others words to affect me and get in to decide whether or not I'll be with ED today or not.. but I do. That's all I can say. All I know is that's what I do. So I like these two pictures.. One is Brayden.. and he's going the wrong way :)

And it's a simple game right?? It's a game that you just don't think about anything more than pinning the tail on the donkey type if thing.. I can't quite remember if it's was a donkey or not.. my point being tho.. is that Brayden was walking the wrong way and had everyone around him.. and here me.. :)

I have two of my sons behind me.. BEHIND ME! That might now mean much for others .. but for me.. it's A LOT! It's a feeling that can't be described and unless you know and been there you have no idea!

Ya it's just a blindfolded game.. but it's my life at the sametime. My life is a blindfolded game. I don't know where or why I do what I do .. I just do it. And I don't know how to change. I'm stuck. Haha I actually wrote suck which would also be right.

Anyways.. on another note.. :) .. this is what I love!



I don't know why I feel such freedom when I see this. Maybe because Ed is the divingboard and I want to just jump and feel that happiness of jumping.. There's something about the picture and it's not just because it's Kyler:) hehe. But there's more to it! There's something in there. Something in me.. that really just want's to feel that joy of pure. Pure is amazing. I do remember it when I was little.. I want it again. And I don't think it's much to ask for.

So I keep on praying .. God gave me everything and I need to start being more thankful and giving them a life they deserve. With me in it! Hopefully I can start to continue keeping it up.. I hate my good days but I need to find something to 'hold' me to those good days. Because I really REALLY don't want my kids to put me in the ground knowing about ED. Maybe they already know of ED .. maybe they don't ?!?! I just don't want them to go on with their life knowing mom had ED and that's what happened to take her life!

I don't mean to go from going on a high note to a down one.. just kind of can't help it right now. I am trying so hard to just be okay and happy and ... I'm not .. I'm really sad and hurt and mad. Mad is easy so mad is usually the first emotion that I feel!

I don't want to live like this! I want to be able to sit down as a family for a meal and not have to go to the bathroom afterwards.. I want to be 'normal'.

But this is my only control! Everyone took my control away!! If you don't have Ed and are reading this .. Don't do that! And if you know someone who has ed understand someone took all .. everything ... scraped it.. and ED came in. It was the only thing that made me. The bad part right now is

I'm proud of what Ed has done. He's created something that I've desired. But where from now?? How to do I continue on??

Anyways.. another day.. I'm trying to be gental with myself.. I'm trying to give myself some type of leniency.. but it's not really working either. Just another day another day..