Calm. Relaxed. Breathing slowly, deeply. Smiling. Living in that moment, that two seconds that last what seems to be forever. Seeing beauty in the oddest places.
Now if I could only trust. There are something I trust in. I trust in that there is a God and I believe in Jesus Christ. I don't have the 'reasons' that others might have other then that I believe because I believe. I don't think I have to tell you facts or reasons why I believe other then I believe.
Giving up my power of Ed is difficult. It's more difficult because others continue to hurt me. And why shouldn't I at least be able to hurt myself if they are going to hurt me anyways. At least I have that control in hurting me. I know it's coming it's not out of the blue. I'm ready for it when I hurt myself.
So far today has been a struggle in my mind. I'm supposed to fight and I'm trying. It's just hard to do. Ed is an addiction. But he's so much more then just an addiction and obsession with a body type. And to trust in something else that is 'supposed' to be better for me. Not even just something but someone. No one knows unless your in the same battle. People think that this is the same as a drug addict or an alcoholic. It probably has it's similarities but it's to me at least A LOT different. And to compare it it's just insane.
But I am letting go. I am doing my best at letting go. I can't believe how well I've done this past week.
Unfortunately something bad had to happen, and is happening.. it's not over yet. This is the road though I guess I was to take and walk.
So I'm walking,
tripping and falling sometimes. Falling but standing back up.Crying
but wiping away tears, screaming and then breathing calmly.
"Falling down is part of LIFE...Getting back up is LIVING"
John Erickson
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