IDK

Yep .. hah

I always try to laugh when I feel I guess uncomfortable .. !!?

It's easy for me to put on that smile and pretend.

Mom taught me well on pretending! I hate pretending .. Ed is pretending!

It's crappy enough that I had to pretend for Ed... but then to pretend for 'me'. I hate it!

I looked at some older pictures yesterday and it put me back.. I don't exactly know why. I mean I was with Ed then. Just I guess, it's the fact that now I feel all the hurt where then I was putting on that smile .. the front. Where now I feel everything and I keep wanting and trying to smile but I am just really sad. And stuck.

I remember when I was little.. about 4.. we lived in the country and we had a little damn that we'd go swimming in. I can't believe I ever did that.. specially cause there were snakes in there that you'd feel go by your legs and I'm surprised I didn't ever just scream when that happened, but for some reason it was just something that was. And I was okay with it .. then Definetly not now:) haha. But the one time I tried to come out and there was like probably close to 5 ft of mud. Well I got stuck. My feet and about half way up my calves were in the mud. I couldn't move! My dad had to get the tractor and lower down the bucket to then pull me out. He saved me=) He pulled me out. I can't but smile when I say that. He pulled me out. It was someone there .. when I'm looking back now it's just I wished I had someone to pull me out now.

That tractor was the best too. I don't know how old it was or anything. It was red, and the seat was so uncomfortable. It was one of those that like had the middle part that rose up to have like 'two check sides' is how I always thought of it. lol Dad used to let me drive it. It was fun to learn how to drive a tractor. And it was open cab. So in the summer it was .. oh it was just beautiful. Nice and toasty is what I always say. But the sun out and the sky just so blue .. with nothing around. Just the sound of that tractor..

The other tractor that he had for the winter. Oh that was the best. He'd tie up the sled to the hitch and then would go and it was Bobby, Kim and I on the sled and dad would go faster and then slower and we'd have to duck cause we were going to go under the tractor. Funny how now-a-days people would freak out of that. But that was the funnest thing. I so loved those winter days on the farm.

So back to Ed. IDK! I hate him and love him .. I'm just sad. And usually mad comes out then cause Ed does a good job at being my wall of defense. I am just sad.