My relationship with Ed

So today, I knew it was going to be hard. Not only because it's possibly day 7 of not giving into Ed. But just of all that went down last week. I really don't want to go into that because it is quite embarrassing and hurtful.

I'm really upset and stressed and just completely lost!

Last Monday was a horrible day.. along with Tuesday. Something that I would never want anyone else to go through. Tuesday I didn't get to eat much but I didn't purge. It wasn't my choice either on eating well it was in a way but it was too nasty that I couldn't even stand eating it.

Since then I've eaten 'normal' meals. I haven't had any alcohol.. just water. Won't even drink juice or soda. Just water. Then I did go and weigh myself. I gained weight.. a lot .. for you that don't know how this feels you won't get it.

Anyways, I wanted to just explain me and Ed.

I kind of think I have a different relationship .. maybe?? Maybe I don't. But it sure feels like most of my life I've been told I'm not good enough. I don't do this right or what I have to say and think doesn't matter. It's not worth someones time to listen to my opinion because I'm just wrong anyways.

Growing up as the baby of a family of 4 brothers and 1 sister. I was constantly told to just shh. I don't think I was ever really told to Shut Up, but I was definitely given that impression. I couldn't play games with the family because I wasn't good enough to play. When we would play like word games I would get made fun of because my words were simply.

So Ed stepped in. And even though doing what Ed tells me to do seems like he's mean and hurtful to me. He's actually probably my biggest supporter.

In sports Ed told me that your not even putting in 100% and look at how good you are! He tells me a lot of days how beautiful I am. How funny I am and that it's hilarious to watch me laugh at myself for being silly.

Lately he hasn't even looked at me and told me I look fat. Even right now when I gained lbs. He still looks in the mirror and says 'it's okay you can do it we can do it and you'll look great'.

He also say 'you don't need to take that from them'. 'You never should have taken that from them'. 'Your better then that'. He constantly tells me that if I just look this way I can go back and go SEE!! I am good enough. Look what you missed, you just had to put me down, and Now What?! Too bad for you .. you lost out!

Ed is my strength. He catches me every time. I feel like I could be standing on an edge and when I'm just about to fall he grabs me back and holds me and says he'll never let go. Not a bad let go. The one that you feel love from. That he'll never let me down like everyone else has.

Everyone thinks that Ed is evil. I'm not so sure. I kind of feel like everyone in my life has been evil/hurtful/nasty/Mean. Ed the only one that I've ever felt like I could trust.

I know it sounds weird to talk about Ed like if he was an actual person. It's obvious that he's not an actual person. But his thoughts are real to me and mean a lot to me. It's probably the only thing that gets me through a lot.

Saying Goodbye to him. Letting go of the one thing that has helped me through some of the hardest and roughest times in my life. Or just the frustrating times and stressful ones. Even the happy times I relied on him. To say no more .. It's not even just to say no more it's to say I'm done going to Ed but then to have people again hurt me it's hard to not just return to Ed.

I don't know where our relationship will go. I just know that even if he was destroying my body he was the only one that seemed to ever be there for me. To tell me I'm not stupid, I'm not ugly, I'm not incapable. He had a lot of good things to share with me. A lot of good things.