It's Just Me

Ed and Me

Well it's just ME right?? I mean if I just get help and just figure out how to FIX me then everything will just be hunky-dory. Right ?? I mean come on it's just me.. I'm the problem!

I hate that! I can't stand being told that if I just would change then everything would be wonderful and perfect.

Pretty sure that others helped to create the person that I am. The one that is hurt and mad at the world. Now the person who wants to give and have other smile that's the one I like and I feel is who I created.

Here's my definition of me. There's two by the way =)

1. Here's the one that everyone has walked on and aided to create a mean spirited person. One I have my mother. Who is able to twist and turn things so that it's my fault. Always was my fault. Anything that happened that was wrong was MY fault. I wasn't ever good enough, smart enough, athletic enough.

I think that's why I took losing state volleyball so hard. I did blame myself. I still blame myself. If I would have just gotten over myself we could have won. And ya it's a team and there's no I in team, but that's how much it meant and means to me. I wanted to show everyone that I was good enough and instead we lost.

Then comes in my relationships. I always tended to go for those who treated me like shit. I guess that's what I thought I deserved was crap. I would always put myself 100% out there and I always got back nothing that I thought I should have. Lies, deception.. I never got why when I'm the one being there for you, you would treat me like that. I still don't get why people treat me that way.

So now I don't like you .. I don't trust you .. I don't believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Cause all your going to do is take what I give and crumble it up like garbage.

So this side of me has a lot of hate towards others. Hate so strong. I actually don't really believe in the word hate. I think hates just an easy way of saying hurting and sadness. It's easier to come defensive and having that wall up then letting someone see me vulnerable. Mainly cause when I have been an easy target.. I get hit from all sides. So I would rather come across being a bitch then being sad.



To wrap this up.. I'm tired of people saying "it's me" Really cause I'm pretty sure if you weren't an ass maybe I wouldn't be this far into Ed and have such a tight relationship with him. Maybe. I know that I shouldn't blame someone else for what I'm choosing to do, and in that same breath maybe they should have treated me a bit better so that I didn't need to turn to Ed. But it's just me .. Ya I definitely rolled my eyes when I typed that!


2. The is the person that I like:) I love to smile. I love laughing. Laughing is awesome. I cry when I see something happy or if I feel upset for someone. It doesn't matter what it is. I was in church and a couple isles in front of me was this one lady and she was crying. And it instantly made me cry for her, so I prayed that whatever it was that was troubling her that God would be there for her to comfort her and that she would feel better soon.

I love to give to others. Not necessarily materials, but just respect or even just to donate. I feel like giving to those that even though they have no idea who I am, that they get this warmth inside of them that someone cares. That they are cared for.

And this part of me loves to have my children learn that we need to look out for each other. To be there for one another. How to treat another person with respect regardless of who or what they are. God created them so that means they deserve just as much respect and we would want for ourselves.