Frustration

My frustration goes on all lengths..

It could be as simple as an idiot that doesn't know how to turn on their blinker to turn in or into another lane. Could be person who ask rude to me when I say excuse me and am trying to be polite and respectful.

Could just be my kids being loud laughing. That one really gets me.. the loud. There is something that even though I'm trying to see their fun and just smiles .. that the louder it gets the more my skin burns. And I don't like that! My life might be screwed up but I don't want theirs to be because of me. That's the worst thought in the world!

I hate and yes Hate.. I know it's a strong word but what has happened here?? People don't care anymore. It's just how much more I have and what are you in my space for .. I should have gotten that, Not you! How much more I can show on how GREAT of a life I have then you and your just like this little bug.. what are you here for??

I am here because there is a real good reason for it. I believe that. I believe that all of us with Ed have such a kind heart. We hurt so much so it is very easy to put up that wall .. I still have mine up! I can't let it go. So many have and continue to hurt me that I need that wall to protect me. And that alone is frustrating.

I don't deal with frustration. Frustration to me means hurt and angry and sadness. Fits me to the T but I don't like it and I don't like to confront it. Seems every time I try to push out of it and just live and be okay something happens that I have to go back to hurt/anger/SAD.

Tonight I wanted to play cards with the kids and Tom. The other week we started doing this and it makes me feel so calm and relaxed and just Smile. It's like the one thing I have. Last weekend we had a friend of Brayds stay over and it was SO much fun!! Felt really good. So now I just want to play when the kids don't have school the next day. I want to teach them so much. I want to give them something that they can carry on to teach their children. A tradition:) And of course tonight Tom doesn't want to .. so I just feel hurt and like 'it's just a dumb game' type of feeling. Like it put me down. I'm stupid. So then I get so upset. My wall, my ed comes in.

He makes sure I don't cry .. I go to my own world. I can let them see I'm mad.. but not hurt nor bothered in that way.

And I hold onto that.. can't let go of it. Specially when I told Tom how wonderful it made me feel.. how great it was to share with Braydens friend and how happy his friend was. That it was like I just gave you apart of me and you enjoyed it. I was proud. I was very happy. Made me feel not so stupid but just happy. like I was happy.

People can take that away from me in a heartbeat. Most probably don't even know they are doing that but it's so easy! I know it's my life and I shouldn't blame others and I really am not.. I'm just saying that I don't have control of me so others can control me very easily. What they say will hurt and piss me off. I'll know it's wrong and think what or how I handled it was right but it'll still eat at me that I just shouldn't have done that.

Well I'm going to end this journal for now. My frustrations are high and big .. a lot! Just hope some day I can overcome letting others "get" to me.