Letting GO

How do I let go??

How can I say goodbye to the the one thing that has always been there? Obviously is destroying me but in the same sense at least I got to destroy me first. I get to destroy me just in the same point that everyone else is.


Why I allow them in?! Why I allow them to decide that I am broken and sad .. why they just get to push my face farther into the dirt. I don't get it.


So to say the least.. I was allowing myself to eat .. each day but then I saw what it did and then I got to deal with a conversation, which also put me in my place again.


My convo, was basically how horrible of a mother I am .. so ya .. I guess I am.. I guess the fact that they get into trouble when they don't do their homework .. or don't pick up clothes off the floor to put away.. yep I'm horrible.. it is what it is.. I can't say anything more. Now could I say I'm the best mother .. no .. not a chance, who is?? But can I say that I try my best and to give them the most happiness that they could have .. I'm trying hard as hell!


So to let go of the one thing .. the only thing that has been there .. thru thick and thin. The one person that looked at me and saw what I feel inside. My biggest supporter my biggest strength. The one that makes sure I'm going to feel.


Only problem is I don't want to die from this. I really don't. I don't want to see my friends that I have made die from this. God they deserve so much more. From family, from others. Oh they deserve a life of dance.






So today I am with Ed .. we're tight again. Tomorrow, who knows but today we're thick as thieves.