Gental

Why is it so hard for us to be nice to US??

Why do we constantly have to put everyone else before US?

For me I know a lot of people think that I was just a bitch. But that was my wall .. that was my ed.. that was my protection so that you couldn't get in and hurt me. And still can't get in.

I look at blowing bubbles and see how careful and thoughtful and calm you have to be with it.. It's amazing how something that you don't even realize in life you can relate to. That my bubble it might burst... it might not if I take care of it. If I just protect it. And I have to start protecting me.

I love this pictures of Zaelur.. he's like so patient so relaxed and proud at the same time. It's hard to explain why a simple picture would express so many different things. It's like you can see in his hand how careful he's being. Like it's glass that if the slightest slip will break.

At times that's where I am. I do well and then that glass falls and I slip and I'm back to where I'm confident in. Which is ed. Ed makes me feel strong and confident. He's so great at it too! Like there's no one else that can make me feel so wonderful and so proud of myself other then ed .. at least for right now .. I hope so anyways because I really don't want this life to continue on ...

I want better I want more for me and for my family!

I feel somewhat lost.. haha that's a joke. I AM LOST! I am having such a confusing hard time letting go of ED. It's really hard when others say things. I don't know why I allow others words to affect me and get in to decide whether or not I'll be with ED today or not.. but I do. That's all I can say. All I know is that's what I do. So I like these two pictures.. One is Brayden.. and he's going the wrong way :)

And it's a simple game right?? It's a game that you just don't think about anything more than pinning the tail on the donkey type if thing.. I can't quite remember if it's was a donkey or not.. my point being tho.. is that Brayden was walking the wrong way and had everyone around him.. and here me.. :)

I have two of my sons behind me.. BEHIND ME! That might now mean much for others .. but for me.. it's A LOT! It's a feeling that can't be described and unless you know and been there you have no idea!

Ya it's just a blindfolded game.. but it's my life at the sametime. My life is a blindfolded game. I don't know where or why I do what I do .. I just do it. And I don't know how to change. I'm stuck. Haha I actually wrote suck which would also be right.

Anyways.. on another note.. :) .. this is what I love!



I don't know why I feel such freedom when I see this. Maybe because Ed is the divingboard and I want to just jump and feel that happiness of jumping.. There's something about the picture and it's not just because it's Kyler:) hehe. But there's more to it! There's something in there. Something in me.. that really just want's to feel that joy of pure. Pure is amazing. I do remember it when I was little.. I want it again. And I don't think it's much to ask for.

So I keep on praying .. God gave me everything and I need to start being more thankful and giving them a life they deserve. With me in it! Hopefully I can start to continue keeping it up.. I hate my good days but I need to find something to 'hold' me to those good days. Because I really REALLY don't want my kids to put me in the ground knowing about ED. Maybe they already know of ED .. maybe they don't ?!?! I just don't want them to go on with their life knowing mom had ED and that's what happened to take her life!

I don't mean to go from going on a high note to a down one.. just kind of can't help it right now. I am trying so hard to just be okay and happy and ... I'm not .. I'm really sad and hurt and mad. Mad is easy so mad is usually the first emotion that I feel!

I don't want to live like this! I want to be able to sit down as a family for a meal and not have to go to the bathroom afterwards.. I want to be 'normal'.

But this is my only control! Everyone took my control away!! If you don't have Ed and are reading this .. Don't do that! And if you know someone who has ed understand someone took all .. everything ... scraped it.. and ED came in. It was the only thing that made me. The bad part right now is

I'm proud of what Ed has done. He's created something that I've desired. But where from now?? How to do I continue on??

Anyways.. another day.. I'm trying to be gental with myself.. I'm trying to give myself some type of leniency.. but it's not really working either. Just another day another day..