Hmm.. ?!

I AM SOMEBODY BECAUSE GOD MADE ME

I had an abortion when I was 18. How can I be someone that is gods creation ??

So I got pregnant when I was in high school. I remember it all. And I don't need to go into depth about it. It was a choice that I made. I made it. I made it. And here comes the BUT.. I experienced the other way. I had to lay there at night listening to my parents.. shit no .. my mother screaming at my sister.

My sister is beautiful. She's so kind. I love her to death. She'll do anything for you. And she enjoys you. I just love her. She is the life that I wished I could have. I believe in her so much always have. There's just not anything mean I could say about her. She's beautiful.

Well shit, wtf .. WTF! I got an abortion when I was 18. Everything that I was taught and believed to be against. and it's what I did. Because we all knew that my mother would be the bitch that she is.

Guess what I lost?? I lost my scholarship. hah. the one that I wasn't even trying to get!

I actually had colleges contact me to go to their schools and giving me scholarships and that to attend. What did I want. I wanted to go to MN to a school that had no interest in me.

I've always wondered why I wanted that. What it was about that school. The one that had no clue who I was. The one that I would have to prove myself to to be apart of the team. Why that was what I was seeking. I still don't know the answer.

But I had to sign where my mother wanted me to. She didn't even allow me to see the others .. I had to sign. If I knew what I know now.. I would have told her to shove it! I had a full scholarship to just a 2 yr program but that transferred everything. That to me was a deal. but the bitch had to have what SHE wanted. Who cares about what I wanted ?? It's not my life apparently.

I had that abortion. I don't even care if you've ever had one. What I remember .. how I felt. I was alone. And have since then been in this world ALONE.

Now to say that God loves me.. Love myself..

Who can love me? I can't love me. I hate me!

To have my mother say the shit she does to me.. I think I'm starting to get a bit more out there. She better start watching herself because she doesn't know what will come out of me. She needs to start praying for the sins that she has done and said. She needs to start understanding her wrong. And I am getting close that if she doesn't. I will push her to that point. Because I'm tired of hearing the shit that she puts in my ears.

That stupid bitch!

Fucking wrong part of it is that I want her apart of my life. The fucking bitch.
Ya I'm pissed! I'm mad I'm hurt I'm sad. Who deserved that. Who still deserves it. And to have someone tell them it didn't happen. YES IT DID! You fucking bitch!

Alright.. done for now. I need to go to bed. She doesn't understand what she has done to me. She'll never understand. Even if she read this she'd just take something and twist and turn it to make it be my fault.

It is my fault tho. I have allowed you and everyone else to control my feelings.. to continue to control them. SO .. yep you go that.. Yay I'm glad that you won. Own it.. Be proud. That's usually what you want and desire.. be proud!