Do you know how hard it is to say I'm 31!?? To celebrate 31. It's just another year with Ed is how now I think of it! I didn't even speak with Kim (my t) about me turning 31.
Right now I am so ashamed. And Ed likes ashamed. Oh lord he loves a lot. =)
You are more the choices you made
you are more then sum of your past mistakes
you are more then the problems you create.
That is what I have to try to follow by at least I think so... ?! Whether that's right or wrong. It's something that is going to make me healthy.. alive!
So today I made my meal plan and I was fine doing it except when it came to dinner.. dinner is always the hardest trying to figure something for me and also for the rest of the fam. It's just like I want to make sure that it's not disgusting but also something that I'm willing to have and be able to control.. ahaha there goes that word control.. but make sure I wouldn't have TOO much but at least some intake.
Another note is that now it comes to I'm feeling just cancel with Kim on Friday and reschedule and just keep where your at. It's shameful to go in again and have her basically say she can't do anything for you and your not trying hard enough. I'M TRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry my trying is different then your trying.. I f*ck up and I fall again but I'm trying!!
I feel like such a child and I'm going to be 31 now.. I mean it was hard being 30 and coming clean.. now I'm 31 I'm supposed to be this type of adult that doesn't have problems. I'm supposed to pretend on life.
I feel like an addict! I don't know other then what I have seen on tv but its the whole asking for money believe me I'm better. Well I don't ask for money at right now I don't even lie. I'm 100% honest. You ask me if I didn't eat or if I ate and purged .. I could tell you every little thing that came by me and what I did and didn't do. It's disgusting to me to do so but I could. Do I think it's right?? HELL NO!!! If it was one of my boys I would freak and say eat something it's not bad you are wonderful. But I can't say that about myself! I really hope that I am not 'teaching' my boys the same thing.
Right now they haven't figured it out.. Brayd is on the verge .. but he doesn't still know what ED Is. I don't feel like I need to tell him yet either. He will know soon enough though.. he might already have an idea. Which I wouldn't put by him but I also kind of believe let him be a child and just be happy and alive. I don't need him worrying about me and wondering about me right now.
You know there is this song by Pink Dear Mr. President .. and it's just so much of a mixture of how I feel between myself and a lot of others. I don't see it as talking about Pres. Bush. I take the words and feel a whole different world! My husb hated this at first.. he hated the song. And I'm a true believer that a President isn't the cause for what happens in our nation .. we have Congress and they have a lot of control.. anyways not going to go into politics here :) This song was a mixture of a battle between me and my mom and then me and Ed. Not sure how to explain it.. but why should I have to?? It's what I feel. I feel what I do.. just cause you feel this doesn't mean I should feel it too. God if only everyone would understand that we don't have this common feeling. Yes common respect doesn't mean we should like or love the respect but I believe and do my ways and others do their .. doesn't mean that they are below me or horrible people! Just as long as they are respecting me as I'd respect them then they are just as perfect as I am.
I might seem all over the place and I can get that. But also I haven't slept but 3 hrs... that's a usually night .. that's actually a long night.. one or two is the usual.
My whole point is that well you could say almost a 'midlife' crisis..I'm scared of 31. I'm mad with 31.. who's supposed to be 31 with ED??!! Frustrated that I can't let go of ED. Frustrated cause I can't figure out what and where I should be in my life. Scared.. really scared of my life but at the same moment scared without Ed! I'm 31.. I'm 31.. who'd want me without ed.?
It seems to me anyways whether you understand it or not cause I usually am that way:) I say all the other stuff cause that's the 'me' trying to speak .. trying to override Ed. Hopefully one day it'll be me Ed is trying to speak but can't! That's what I'm fighting for.
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