Surprising.. No I don't think so..

I can't let go.. I can't let ED go! We are thick as thieves..

I don't know what to do anymore. Monday was a 'great' day according to what your supposed to do. I ate 3 meals and had 2 snacks.. couldn't do my last snack which was just an apple.. but still couldn't do it!And all I really wanted to do was eat something and purge.

I'm not sure what I get from purging or from eating but I get a reward in my own head that I just like.. no I love it. It feels some reason good. Like I accomplished something right in my life... I don't know how to explain it sometimes. It's just something that I feel inside of me and think. Obviously corrupted but it's there unfortunately .. for me and my family!

I don't think my mom has yet recognized how bad it is. She I think I mentioned when I was 17 I confronted her about Ed and she responded with "I know". Why she said that I'll never know. I like to believe she did that just out of spite.. having to be 'right'. Acting like she knows everything. Really just being a Bitch! I give that to her. I try to find that she was acting in a wrong mannor that was then okay for her to behave the way she did. But finally what almost 14 yrs later I come out and say it again. And again she avoids it. She basically tells me that it's simple. Just eat. Haha.. just eat.. that's a good one .. and keep it down ?!?! Ya haha funny.

When I've been living my life day in day out this way you think it's that simple?? Really? It's not! I don't even know at 17 if I could have quit without some type of help.

It's funny how everyone thinks it's just simply about food. If it was only that simple then I guess I wouldn't have a problem then would I ??!! Why is it that no one can't ever see the underlining of the problem?? Why is it that it always comes back to me? I mean I know that I have the control but don't you get that .. I have the control! It's the ONE thing I absolutely have control over! The only thing! Everyone and everything can do what they want and treat me in a way that they want but with food I control it and I control what goes in and comes out. And that's sad to say but it's the truth.

What sucks about my mom is that a couple years back I brought up some issues with my dad that she had said. I don't need to go into all that .. but it was rude and irresponsible and selfish on her part. I will never accept what was said or how it was said. I will accept that she was stressed and just overwhelmed but that other shit nope.. not a chance! We got into it.. and I remember saying to myself don't go to her level bring yourself back. That was ED. Ed told me not to be that person to be BIGGER. To be stronger and prove to her and everyone else that I was able to be a 'better' person. When in all actualality I wanted to go punch her in the face! Oh that would have felt so good.. sorry to say but it would have! I mean she constantly always yelled at me .. to wake up or do this and still does.. and it's just like you know what I'm a grown F*cking woman leave me alone!

Like specially this last visit. I was worried cause I was trying to actually fight Ed. And I was doing well before I went. And I thought I'll buy food so then I can cook .. one then it's what I cook. Two she's busy won't have to worry. Three it'll be nice to have the family all together for dinner. And all I got was negativity. People saying this remarks.. like one for instance is that I cooked Chicken Alfredo (which I make the sauce myself) but the noodles I put under cold water instead of butter because that's just then less calories that I allow myself to think about. I get critized for that. Not just by my mom don't be mistaken but by others in my family.. and it's just kind of like well if you'd like to cook something else there's the fricking stove and what not! Like I didn't get a thank you for cooking for all of us.. And it's not like I needed a THANK YOU but I did just need a nothing. I didn't need to hear this or that.. then don't eat it.. find yourself something else! I mean my GOD you already know that I have ED cause it's already gone around the family .. can't you be a little?? A little bit more watching your words around me?? Is that so much to ask for? I guess so..

Well I don't know what to do or where to go from here.. I constantly feel in a matter that I'm being controlled and have no say so then that's when Ed usually steps in. I'm not sure how to move forward or what to think/do...