Right now I'm struggling hard! I just have a whole lot of sad thoughts going thru.. feeling alone.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Who's Got My Back??
Well for the last 17 yrs .. that'd be Ed. And he's been so good at it! As long as I listen to him he continues to tell me how beautiful I am. I believe him too. I look in the mirror and see what he does and say oh I'm pretty cause of this or that. Or at least I think that's him.. could be me trying to push thru and telling him to shut up!
Right now I'm struggling hard! I just have a whole lot of sad thoughts going thru.. feeling alone.
Right now I'm struggling hard! I just have a whole lot of sad thoughts going thru.. feeling alone.
It's so hard because it's not just Ed and me fighting.. It's me against the world lately! Against the kids against Tom .. just anyone everyone. And no one understands it!! Tom and I argued tonight and he called me crazy.. I don't get why he has to hit hard.. I don't understand it.. This pictures actually makes me think of my heart looking outward..
Like I've been shattered but in the same sence I see the clear blue skies with the clouds and think/believe things will some way get better.. I don't know..
It's really hard when you apprecaite yourself for some values.. mine =) heh it makes me smile.. but I was a good atheltic, I thought I was always at least fairly well.. like not a GREAT singer but just good. I thought I was funny at times.. quirky is how I'd like to say it cause I say that I'm still quirky! I played piano good .. I understood music and still do. But then it's the tear me downs that kill me.
If I was that great of an atheltic.. well then first basketball season would have turned out better. Ya I started playing varsity when I was a sophomore but it's a small school so what's that mean just didn't have the people and I was just 'next' best. Volleyball.. volleyball is my ... it was my life and I didn't make it more of my life then what I should have! I should have pushed more I should have just done so much more that now obviously there's nothing I can do about it! Then there was track.. I was just decent .. again if only I would have pushed but that's when Ed stepped in and said "your too tired" "you can't do it" "it's okay"...
As for music.. Ed also steps in.. My Ed is so well:)He's a perfectionist and good at it too!!! And because I can't play the piano really.. well I could but others would hear so since it's been so long I refuse to play it just in case someone else hears.. can't do it if you don't do it 'right'!
Like you can't sit there and play and hit the wrong note or notes.. everything has to be done RIGHT! And don't you dare let someone hear you do it wrong!! Don't you dare!
Well as for now I don't know who's behind me.. or if it's just me .. I do know it's Ed and me and me trying to slowly say goodbye to ed.. slowly. But it's me .. it's me. It's hard knowing that it's just me. Feeling hopeless and alone and guilty just doens't help anything either. ... dot dot dot.. until the next.
It's really hard when you apprecaite yourself for some values.. mine =) heh it makes me smile.. but I was a good atheltic, I thought I was always at least fairly well.. like not a GREAT singer but just good. I thought I was funny at times.. quirky is how I'd like to say it cause I say that I'm still quirky! I played piano good .. I understood music and still do. But then it's the tear me downs that kill me.
If I was that great of an atheltic.. well then first basketball season would have turned out better. Ya I started playing varsity when I was a sophomore but it's a small school so what's that mean just didn't have the people and I was just 'next' best. Volleyball.. volleyball is my ... it was my life and I didn't make it more of my life then what I should have! I should have pushed more I should have just done so much more that now obviously there's nothing I can do about it! Then there was track.. I was just decent .. again if only I would have pushed but that's when Ed stepped in and said "your too tired" "you can't do it" "it's okay"...
As for music.. Ed also steps in.. My Ed is so well:)He's a perfectionist and good at it too!!! And because I can't play the piano really.. well I could but others would hear so since it's been so long I refuse to play it just in case someone else hears.. can't do it if you don't do it 'right'!
Like you can't sit there and play and hit the wrong note or notes.. everything has to be done RIGHT! And don't you dare let someone hear you do it wrong!! Don't you dare!Well as for now I don't know who's behind me.. or if it's just me .. I do know it's Ed and me and me trying to slowly say goodbye to ed.. slowly. But it's me .. it's me. It's hard knowing that it's just me. Feeling hopeless and alone and guilty just doens't help anything either. ... dot dot dot.. until the next.
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