Why

So ever since June when I started this battle.. well at least addressing the issue. My life has flip upside down.

I honestly feel right now that my life was easier then. I had a better time remembering and concentrating. I was there more for the boys. Tom and I were not fighting as much. I mean we argued but for those who know our argument got a lot worse.

In which now I can't do anything. Again! Again I am helpless in what I can say or do. Just another way to take control away from me.

Seriously for those who don't have an Ed and are maybe possibly reading this to help or understand. It's not about a number. It really isn't. It's about control. To have control taken away from you it's Huge! I don't even think I can express or explain it. Unless you feel it it's hard to tell someone how it is to have everything taken from you and your grasping for something to hold onto. Something to be proud of. For me that's my weight and the food that does or does not go into my body. Or the lack of .. really.

So there's the picture of me, I won't post it or anything. It's really blurry anyways. But I look at it, and I see my Ed view and then I see the what a person should think view. Only problem, I like it. The way I look. =/ It doesn't make me happy to say or anything but in that same breath.. I like it.

I do know I don't want to live my life like this. It's just frustrating to have all the other responsibilities and on top of it to try and 'fix' myself. I'm now starting to understand why ppl go into ip. And then now I worry that if I would go, well number 1 reason is I don't want to feel like I'm in jail. Number 2 is if no one is helping with the kids now, what would it be like if I'm gone. (But I guess if I end up killing myself what's the difference.) My number 3 reason is Money.

You would think that things like this wouldn't cost as much. That people would want to help more then they would want to see the $$$$$$. But I guess that's what makes me me and them them.

It Is What It Is.

I just really need to start believing again. I need to get that burst of fire for a bit. At least a moment.