I just dont know anymore

Okay.. I started my fight back in like early June. After 17 yrs of living this way.. I finally started to figure out things. And it's even more frustrating..

I lived like this for over half of my life to try and change what I know as 'normal' it's frustrating. To figure out why I am the way I am .. it's frustrating.

Then to have others have their in put it's just like Too Much! I just can't handle that. Let me go through this process the way that I am supposed to go through it. With you having to have your opinion just upsets me more and makes me want to go back to when I was 13 and lying about everything.

I'm trying to be honest. I mean for god sakes this one friend and it's been awhile like a few months but I called her to say some things and then when she called back I was like I lied to you. I mean who does that?? Me apparently:) I was like I was not wanting to tell you so I was, well basically ashamed. I think I blew her away. She didn't say much.

I mean I am proud of myself that I'm honest. That I'm not hiding so much anymore. And if you got the so much part.. it's because I'm starting to revert to hiding.

I thought if I was open things would be good.. instead it feels like shit hit the ceiling! So now I'm tending to not wanting to try because it was at least okay.

IDK

Nothing I do is right and I get that flown in my face constantly. Before me seeking recovery at least I got things done.. now I seem to just Suck!

So I just .. I just don't know. I'm spending money for me to just get my face pushed in the mud by my fam and friends.. not all of them do not get me wrong at all. Some of them are very supportive and others.. well .. they are what they are. It's not their responsibility for me either. But I can't say that it doesn't still hurt... it does.

But I'm in this pull of go back to that or try to be something else. When I was that back person I was on top of things .. everything .. I mean it wasn't perfect but it was at least moving along. Me now trying to change its crazy. And I hate crazy! I feel helpless and lost .. out of complete control .. I don't know what the next day is going to bring .. just kinda sad.