???????????

I had it all planned out. Or ed did.. who knows at this point anymore.

I was going to be able to come on here and put on this post of I'm doing it again.. I'm fighting against Ed again. And I had it all planned. I knew exactly what was going to go on.

But isn't that the problem (not saying that I'm not giving into Ed today, because I am). I'm really upset .. =/ I'm not angry .. really I'm not! I'm just hurt.

So a ways back when.. haha if I'm not old:) my mother said I tend to date guys who have 'problems' .. like that I was to fix them. I did see that they had baggage .. but so did I, so :)

Now, I'm starting to look at it differently. Well at least right now. I'm questioning why or what it is.

This morning and I could be absolutely wrong. That's always a possibility and tends to seem to be in my world. Or at least I'm told that ways anyways.

However, I was thinking of it and this thought came to me. I maybe seek out these 'guys' that 'need help' .. that come with baggage. And I guess the way I was perhaps thinking was that someway one way or another, they'd be supportive of me. They'd see the shit that they went thru as well and want to I guess support one another.

Instead it's almost this tif for taf.

I come with everything I have.. because I don't want to give up. I don't want to give in. I don't want to be that person again. Even though slowly I am becoming that person.

I keep trying to tell myself who I am.. reassuring myself who I know what person I actually am on the inside. Sucks having or at least feeling like I have everyone tearing me apart slowly in pieces and not knowing what to do and how to love me if everyone seems to just hate the person that I am.

I'm lost at this point. Completely Lost!